User talk:Adevire1/William R. Brody

Hello, I just finished peer reviewing your article! Hsim2 (talk) 00:53, 28 March 2020 (UTC)Hajin

Hello, here is my peer review page of your article. Macullau (talk) 19:04, 2 April 2020 (UTC)Mauricio

MH final comments on draft

As you finalize your project, I'd suggest the following tweaks to clean it up by May 8:

1. Make sure to perfect the formatting (some of the citations have spaces between the period and the footnote, or these come in an odd order).

2. Source-wise, try to add one or two more sources to the BLC section, or integrate the sources you have more thoroughly by weaving the footnotes through. Essentially, you don't want big blocks of text with no visible footnotes.

Overall, though, well done! The fundamentals are solid, and with these mostly aesthetic changes, you'll have completed a very nice project.

MH Comments on draft

This article is looking much improved! There's still some work to be done, however, particularly in the section about the BLC.

1. The link to his website just directs to a photo of him - please fix. Also, is this the photo you wanted to use? If so, have you heard anything back from the Salk Institute about permission? If not, send them another email and CC me - I can vouch for the project if needed.

2. The section on his career is good, but a little wordy, and you might think about how to make the phrasings simpler. The 'Entrepreneurship' section could also do with more detail if available - who are the co-founders of his companies (and why does it say 'Stealth mode' after Commure)? Do you know what his patents are for? If the inventions are very obscure, they might not be worth noting, but if any of them has its own Wikipedia page, they ought to be linked to here. Similarly, I'm not sure that working for the FDA counts as 'entrepreneurship', so consider either splitting that off into another section or renaming the 'Entrepreneurship' segment something like 'Other activity'.

3. I think the 'Personal life' segment is sufficient as is (better to err on the side of less rather than more), but it could use a citation for the flight instructor fact - otherwise, consider removing it.

4. The BBC section needs work, both in terms of tone and content. As you revise it, keep in mind that Wikipedia is an reference text: your prose should be just as dry as the kind you would find in a school encyclopedia (saying light 'pours through' is a little too poetic for this context). Similarly, follow the 'show, don't tell' principle in order to help keep the tone neutral. For example, you've stated that it has a variety of features for the 'facilitation of learning and collaboration for the students'. That's clearly what the architects hoped, but what does this communicate to the reader that isn't covered by your subsequent list of its actual facilities? A careful reader would be able to tell from the number of shared spaces and library resources that the space was good for learning and collaboration. Rather than telling your reader what to think, try to simply provide them with the facts necessary to draw their own conclusions. (This holds true in the Awards and Honors section as well: if you tell your reader that Brody is a member of the Academy of Arts and Sciences, they should be able to figure out on their own that he belongs to 'well-known and respected organizations'.)In addition, as noted in your peer review, it would be good to cite another source here if possible.

Also, please post a comment to the Talk page of the original Brody article explaining that you're drafting a new version of this article for a WikiEducation class, providing a short summary of the changes you've made (dividing it into sections, adding information about the BLC, etc.) so that when you begin moving this across in a couple of weeks, it won't come as a surprise.

Overall, though, it's looking good, and you're on track to complete a solid final project! Let me know if you have any questions as you update the page for your next draft. — Preceding unsigned comment added by M.hin.ck (talk • contribs) 21:00, 4 April 2020 (UTC)