Slowestonian

Slow Estonians

Haven't you heard? Estonians are amazingly slow people. This serves as a deterrent to other, faster folks. They simply give up waiting. For slow Estonians, this is a major boon. All they have to do is be themselves. Most problems simply go away in an Estonian blink of an eye.

Faster is not always better

If you feel jumpy, talk to an Estonian. After half an hour, your pulse rate will normalize and you will forget about your problems. Simply concentrating on a laid back conversation with an Estonian is therapeutic for most people. Next time you feel upset, give it a try.

Ents and Estonians

There is still a debate as to whether Estonians are descended from Ents. You may remember the disappearance of Entwives back in the day. In fact, some Estonians think that Ents are ancient Estonians that were exceptionally slow. As a result, they missed the Entwives telling them they were going out shopping.

Truth is, the Entwives were not lost. They are still out shopping. Being slow, they take their sweet time. Ents just got a bit impatient and hasty. Or maybe they miss the Entwives more than they let on.

No dogs or Estonians

You may have heard that some restaurant owners in Russia have put up signs announcing "No dogs or Estonians". You may wonder what it is that makes these restaurant owners so unhappy as to lump dogs and Estonians together like this.

Well, for one thing, both dogs and Estonians are strong, silent types. They usually have very good appetites, consuming a lot of restaurant food whenever they can.

Trouble is, both dogs and Estonians appear slow to pay, especially to hasty and nervous Russian restaurant owners. Most Russians are not good mind readers, so they can't tell who is a dog and who is an Estonian. If only they could be patient enough, they would soon discover that good things come to those who wait. Dogs would reward them with unconditional love. The Estonians, well they would pay eventually.

The origins of the world-famous Saaremaa summer vacation

If you are wondering how the world had ever discovered that summer vacation jewel, the island of Saaremaa, the credit goes to ancient Estonians. Long before Miami Beach was even a dream in the minds of Cuban immigrants, some Estonians braved the frigid waters of the Baltic sea to cool off after a wife carrying race.

The first Estonian to set foot on the sandy beaches of Saaremaa was a big, brave man who craved the weak sunlight after a long dark winter. After strolling bare-chested along the shoreline for a while, he and his wife decided to stay on the island.

Shortly after their arrival, the weather turned nasty and a chilling shower fell from the leaden,lifeless skies. The Estonian settlers sought shelter away from the beach and found a Finnish sauna behind the dunes.

Being unhurried, thoughtful people, the Estonians took their time enjoying the sauna and thinking things through. That's when the brilliant idea of slow food occurred to them. It was the breakthrough the world needed: a combination of inclement weather, bracing seas, warm sauna, and a nice slow meal at the end of a long wait. It felt like a change of pace.

Estonians and the Battle of Marathon

It is possible that Estonians were present at the historic battle of Marathon in 490 BC. As observers, as they did not feel particularly strongly for one side or the other. In fact, Estonians felt the whole thing was a silly affair. Rumor has it they did offer to run back to Athens to deliver the news of Greek victory. The Greeks politely declined secretly concerned as they were about the Estonians being slow. It turns out the Greeks may have worried unnecessarily as Estonians have since demonstrated their prowess in Marathon running time and again.

Alcoholics Anonymous was invented by Estonians

Believe it or not, the first ever Alcoholics Anonymous got its start in Estonia. Young Estonians loved to party and would get a rise out of drinking through the night with a bunch of strangers.

One of the AA founders famously called his mother and confessed that he was drinking three days in a row with a bunch of people whose names he still didn't know.

Estonians were bewildered when they attended an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in New York. They couldn't get over the fact that no drink was offered. Instead, miserably sober people would get up and introduce themselves.