And what if we changed the value of the speed of light?
editAs WikiNews has already reported, the world was taken over last week in a bloodless coup by a little known organization called the Bureau International des Poids et Mesures (BIPM), based in the small town of Sèvres just outside Paris, France. “It was time for a change,” said a spokesperson for the new global regime. “We should know – we set the time!”
One of the first acts of the Comité international that now manages the world’s affairs – the Metric Overlords as some have already baptized them – was to set a new value for the speed of light. “We think this is just what the world’s economy needs,” the spokesperson continued. “The old value had been around in one form or another for 37 years now. It was looking jaded, and it was difficult to remember all those different digits. The new value of 600 million metres per second gives everyone a fresh start to go with their new rulers. But people shouldn’t worry: this change only affects our units of measurement. Light is still travelling just as fast as it ever did, and the real physical speed hasn’t changed at all. We could have picked any number we wanted, we just chose 600 million because, well, we liked it really.”
Meterstick manufacturers across the world have welcomed the new value. “It’s like Christmas come early for us,” said one, who preferred to remain anonymous. “Schools everywhere are having to change their old metersticks for new models. We’re even running a ‘Buy one, get one free’ promotion if they bring in their old metersticks.” However there have been reports that some unscrupulous manufacturers are simply cutting the old metersticks in half and selling them on. “That’s simply not true,” protested the anonymous factory owner. “We have put a lot of time and effort into recalibrating all our machinery to comply with the new value for the speed of light. Each old meterstick that’s brought in is carefully checked for its length and accuracy. Only then do we cut them in half, and never down the long axis, always straight across.”
The change has also proved a boost for government finances, with speeding fines rocketing as motorists struggle to adapt to the new limits. A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police in London, England, said “At last we have speed limits which bear some resemblance to the real speed of traffic in central London. Before we had a limit of 30 mph while the traffic rarely got above 15 mph: now the traffic is running smoothly at 20–25 mph and, once in a while, we even get to issue a ticket.”
Although the BIPM has promised to respect pre-existing democratic institutions, the political fallout from the change was quick to be felt. A group in California is collecting signatures to put a proposition on the next ballot paper, calling for Secession from the Union: “We’re twice as far from Washington, D.C. than ever before!” cries the group’s campaign slogan.
Nor has the move been universally welcomed by consumers. We spoke to a stressed homemaker in a supermarket close to the BIPM’s headquarters in suburban Paris. “I know they say that it’s just about numbers, that it has nothing to do with the real speed of light,” she admitted, “but it just feels like it takes twice as much force and four times as much energy to do the same things as before.” Fuel shortages have been reported across Europe, with highways blocked by stranded vehicles. “Forty litres of fuel doesn’t last anywhere near as long as before,” complained one German motorist at a filling station near Cologne. “Not even half as far as before! Ten, fifteen percent as far and that’s it, you’re stuck!” Reports that North American electrical devices will now work properly from European power sockets have been strenuously denied by the BIPM: "Nada" was the response we received from a U.S. student trying to recharge her laptop in the Plaça Reial in Barcelona.
Opposition to the change has also come from the unexpected quarters, such as the multi-billion dollar U.S. dieting industry. “The government is now saying that a healthy adult female should be consuming 8000 Calories a day! I mean, that’s just crazy!” said one best-selling author who wished to remain nameless.
But perhaps the biggest fight in the coming weeks will be between utilities companies and consumer groups. A group of UK electricity generators has promised to slash its prices by half as a response to the new speed of light. “Everyone knows that the metre is now half as long as it was before with the new BIPM speed of light,” said a spokesman, “it’s only fair that our prices should be half as high as well.” But this move hasn’t satisfied British consumer groups. Richard Mortiss from the Consumers’ Association: “We’ve done our sums, and we reckon that, even after this move by the electricity companies, our members will still be facing electricity bills four-times higher than before the change. The generators are relying on the fact that people in Britain know more about the offside rule than the inverse-square law…”