User:Enigmatical/I dont want to argue with you

The question

The following was asked in the Wikipedia_talk:WikiProject_Psychology discussion:

Appologies up front if this isn't the place, but after an exhaustive search on the net I could think of no other place to actually as people the question which to me relates greatly to the topic of psychology and to people who share a fondness of it and could perhaps shed some light.

We have all experienced at one point or another in our lives a person using the phrase "I dont want to argue with you". If we remove those cases when it is clearly obvious someone is purposely trying to pick a fight (ie the person saying the phrase says it because absolutely no answer will suffice ), what does a person really mean when they say this phrase?

I considered several possibilities myself, but would be very interested in finding out if there are any specific psychological conditions, behaviours, or mechanisms that might lead a person to use this to obfuscate something entirely different.

I am very curious to hear what other people have to say on the topic. While not in the field of psychology myself you will have to excuse the laymans terms I use.

The Answers?

Some possible reasons which I have considered are as follows

Denial

What you are saying to them makes too much sense and thus they use this phrase in order to maintain their denial about the topic.

Fear

They fear that what you say is true and thus to avoid feeling this fear they use the phrase

Self-Importance

The person believes that their own points of view and opinions are always right and when confronted with a different view choose to use the phrase to avoid actually discussing the topic

Inability to Discuss

The person isn't confident at discussing topics or believes that the person who is disagreeing with them is better at discussions and thus to avoid showing what they percieve as a flaw they use the phrase to avoid it

Thoughts?

Thuglas' two cents

I agree with you that this question, although somewhat related to clinical psychology, is more of a social question (which is a very small and underfunded field in psychology) and i would think asking someone who is 'good' at talking to people around you would yield better results. Many fields in psychology 'suck' at emotional intelligence and social interaction (neuropsychology / experimental / disorders). However, i suppose asking a group of psychologists is a better idea than asking the chemists the same question.

As for the question, it is very difficult to answer a question regarding a statement without the social situation, without understanding how it was said, who it was by and many physical gestures. I would also imagine it would depend when during an arguement it was stated. Also, this answer is subjective and probably unique to me. Howeeever on with my answers.

If someone says 'i don't want to argue with you' calmly as soon as the argument starts, they probably just dont want to argue with you, either because they do not have the time to argue or they have had unpleasant arguments with you in the past which have angered them, or both.

If someone says it at the end of the argument and appears frustrated - they probably are aware that you have presented deductive arguments, but they still believe that intrinsically right. A good example of a study (i forget the author) in this nature would be where the following statement was presented to subjects.

all things that are smoked are good for you-

cigarettes are smoked-

therefore, smoking is good for you.

Subjects in this study denied that the latter statement was logically correct due to previous beliefs. If someone is bad at arguing, they may just tell you that they know they do not want to argue about it because they know they cannot prove it.

If someone says it calmly and does not appear to be frustrated, perhaps they do not feel strongly on the subject and do not care if it goes either way.

Hopefully i have answered your question, sorry about grammar and such - i don't double check discussion posts. thuglas^talk|edits 14:52, 13 February 2007 (UTC)

Thanks for your response thuglas. One of the reasons I asked the question in the first place is that I aberrantly looked up the phrase through google. What I found were many pages relating to forums and blogs and as I read through them there seemed to be a definite (though not something I could immediately quantify) theme which underpinned the majority of them. I found that intrinsically unusual and being the student of human behaviour that I am I wanted to know more.

The other thing that I found interesting, which your response has kind of picked up on, is how people also seem to use the phrase in place of what they are really attempting to convey (ie previous bad discussions, inability to prove it, etc, etc). Does that mean it is just another failure for a human being to properly communicate what they are thinking/feeling in favour of a common cliché? Is it a typically humanistic case of not wanting to appear in any way incapable and so instead it is misdirected by turning it into something it is not ? (ie instead of admitting an inability to prove it, the onus is turned around on the other person, setting them up as the "arguer" if they do not immediately cease)

Or am I just completely crazy and the patterns that I see stemming from this are all in my head? Enigmatical 03:54, 23 February 2007 (UTC)

I would agree with you on all of your points. Questions - No i dont think that it would be based on cliche. If it was about reliance on cliche and not on semantics someone may rely on one of the many other cliches that would convey a different meaning. I think the more proper way to put it is miscommunication which that they are USING a cliche which is generally not the best path to explaining something in any situation. I do think in some cases it would have alot to do with humanistic nature with a zero-sum nature (most likely in a childish nature). Im also quite sure there would be many situations where it would be less related, such as my logic truth above. I dont think you are crazy, i think your trying to figure things out. If you want my personal advice, keep it up - Ive thought of many many social situations and i can react on a dime to multiple responses i have already laid out. It helps a lot later on. Ill check this page for a bit, but if you ever have any questions I enjoy answering them. After all, i havent thought of everythingthuglas^talk|edits 04:33, 23 February 2007 (UTC)

Mockuz' .3 cents: This morning

I just had an experience that has had me wondering the same thing. The only thing I can conclude is... that the person saying it feels/thinks that any further discussion at that time is not going to come to a resolution easily and probably be an unpleasant experience. They are more than likely feeling some way about the topic or think you are feeling some sort of way about it. Expecting the feeling to make it an unpleasant situation and would like to avoid that.