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Talk:The Master (Fallout)/GA1

< Talk:The Master (Fallout)
Latest comment: 2 years ago by Shooterwalker in topic GA Review

GA Review

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Reviewer: Shooterwalker (talk · contribs) 14:39, 30 August 2022 (UTC)Reply

  • We'll work through this section by section, and then finish up the lead at the end.
  • Broad question: if the master is a mix of a man, a woman, and a computer, is it appropriate to describe him as a he?
  • I'd encourage you to switch the order of the appearances and concept sections. That's how it's typically done (see Prince (Prince of Persia)), and it's usually best to start with what the thing is before talking about how it was made.
  • Concept and design
    • The first sentence is a run-on phrase, and might be better broken into shorter sentences, for readability and clarity.
    • "This led to conceptualizing" -> "This led the team to conceptualize" (avoid passive voice)
    • "Cain found modeling and animating the Master to be fun. He also found writing dialogue to be fun because of the Master's switching between three voices: a male voice, a female voice, and a computer voice." -> "Cain enjoyed modelling, animating, and writing the Master's dialog, particularly because the Master switched between three voices: male, female, and electronic."
    • "through him being a villain with well-intentioned motivations and viewed himself as a hero" -> "because he was a villain who viewed himself as a well-intentioned hero."
    • "Multiple solutions were given in the game" --> "The game was designed with multiple solutions"
    • "Cain said that the development team knew they "were on the right track" when they developed clear solutions for defeating the Master. " -> I'm not sure what this adds that the previous sentence didn't cover
    • The last sentence of the section would probably be clearer and more readable without the quote.
  • Appearances
    • "Fallout takes place in 2161 after a global nuclear war, which destroyed much of civilization in 2077" -> "Fallout takes place in 2161, after a global nuclear war destroyed most of human civilization a century earlier."
    • Full stop, and make the part about the Master and the information its own sentence.
    • "The Master was originally a human named Richard Moreau who was exiled from Vault City, which was formed by residents of Vault 8, in 2092 on suspicion of murder. " -> "The Master was originally a human named Richard Moreau who was exiled from Vault City as a murder suspect."
    • "This leads them to Mariposa Military Base" -> be careful about mixing verb tense. If you're trying to be consistent, this "led" them to the base.
    • "contemplated the destruction of war" -> not sure this part adds anything, and the last part of the sentence is really the important part.
    • "there are multiple options given to the player in relation to the Master, depending on their skill set" -> "they can confront the Master in with a few different skills and approaches."
    • "The player can engage in combat, during which, the Master summons Super Mutants and uses dual miniguns that can wipe out any player that is not wearing the highest armor." -> This is an excessive amount of gameplay detail, and I think it's fine to say the player fights the Master and his Super Mutant allies.
    • "realizing the ramifications of his plan will result in the Master committing suicide" -> "a revelation that causes the Master to commit suicide."
    • "Finally," -> this is a confusing word here, only because it seems like you're talking about timing.
  • Done: Replaced with a more relevant dependent clause.
    • "The player has the option" -> "The player also has the option"
    • "conversation with the Master will be replaced with an exchange in which the Vault Dweller calls the Master ugly" -> "the Vault Dweller will only be able to call the Master ugly,"
    • "The Master appears" -> "The Master makes another appearance"
  • Reception
    • The second sentence runs on and isn't very readable, and would probably be best if you broke it into smaller sentences. There is also enough good reception here to highlight why they are considered a great villain, and not just rankings.
    • "Khee Hooh Chan of USGamer considered the Master as iconic as the in-game device, the Pip-Boy" -> this doesn't have much context for anyone who hasn't played the game
    • "Alan Bradley of GamesRadar+ thought the encounter with the Master combined with the contradictory nature of the Cathedral made the Cathedral "one of the most striking storytelling devices of its era" -> this feels like it could be phrased in a more simple and clear way
    • "The Master has been lauded for his multiple ways of being defeated," -> "The Master encounter has been lauded for its multiple solutions" (the ways of being defeated don't really belong to the Master)
    • The last two sentences feel like they would be more appropriate as part of the first paragraph, explaining why the character was remembered so well. (The rest of the paragraph focuses more on the encounter and game design.)

Thanks for your patience. Going to work through the lead now and give this all a second pass.

  • Lead
  • "Once a human male who was mutated by a mutagen called the Forced Evolutionary Virus (F.E.V.) into an amorphous creature, the Master expanded himself by absorbing other victims." -> "Born Richard Moreau, he was transformed into an amorphous creature by a mutagenic virus, and later absorbed the genetic material of other victims."
  • "The Master's experimentation of the F.E.V. on human subjects led to the creation of the Super Mutants. Deeming humanity inept and Super Mutants to be superior, the Master seeks to transform every human in the wasteland into Super Mutants." -> "He created a race of super mutants after experimenting with the virus, and decided to transform humanity into these mutants to correct for their weakness."
  • "The Master was conceptualized by Fallout's development team as the result of a man, a woman, and a computer terminal being dropped into a virus vat by mutants and morphing together" -> "The Fallout development team created the character concept as a synthesis of a man, a woman, and a computer terminal mutated together."
  • "The character was made morally ambiguous; characterized as a villain with well-intentioned motivations." -> "The character was designed to be morally ambiguous, by creating a villain who saw himself as a hero."
  • "The Master has been praised as among the best villainous characters in video games, especially for his multiple ways of being defeated and his sympathetic nature." -> "The Master has included on several rankings of best video game antagonists, due to his sympathetic nature, and his robust reactions to the player's input."
  • Body
  • I don't think the footnote is enough to make the identity of the Vault Dweller clear, or make the sentence more readable. I see two valid approaches: write a short sentence introducing the Vault Dweller as the player character, or remove references to the Vault Dweller entirely. (You can easily understand who the Master is without going into detail about the player/Vault Dweller.)
  • "Grey eventually collaborated with trader Harold to lead an expedition into the wasteland to find the source of frequent mutant attacks on Harold's caravans in 2102." -> "Grey met a trader named Harold in 2102, and they form a joint expedition to discover the source of the mutant attacks on Harold's caravans."
  • "This led them to Mariposa Military Base, where the expedition group is overwhelmed by mutant forces, and" -> do a full stop here
  • "According to producer Tim Cain: during the development of Fallout, there was discussion among the development team of mutants dipping people into virus vats to turn them into other mutants" -> "According to producer Tim Cain, the Fallout development team conceived of a faction of mutants who grew their ranks by dipping people into virus vats."
  • "Cain said that after the audio director understood Cain's instruction of when to switch the Master's voice, the development team was glad that they made the Master the antagonist." -> "The development team became confident in their vision after the audio director reacted to the voice-switching concept, and every department believed the Master would be a great antagonist." (switching the order makes this clearer, and flow better as the last sentence.)
  • "The Master received" -> "The Master has received"
  • "Alan Bradley of GamesRadar+ thought the encounter with the Master combined with the contradictory nature of the Cathedral made the Cathedral 'one of the most striking storytelling devices of its era'." -> "Alan Bradley of GamesRadar+ thought the encounter with the Master made the game's final area one the 'one of the most striking storytelling devices of its era'."
  • I'd consider moving the Bradley statement until later (end of pargagraph?), and leading with a statement that focuses more directly on the Master.
  • "and stated 'Every...'" -> ", stating that '[e]very...'"
  • "Ron Whitaker of The Escapist, ranking the Master as among the best video game bosses, said that the Master being "not entirely evil" made him memorable." -> "Ron Whitaker of The Escapist ranked the Master among the best video game boss battles, explaining that the character is memorable because he is 'not entirely evil'."
  • "UGO and Kotaku found the ability to convince the Master that he is wrong to be fun and unforgettable respectively" -> "Multiple journalists especially praised the option to convince the Master that he is wrong, with Kotaku describing it as "unforgettable", and UGO describing it as "fun"." (clearer)
  • "In relation to his confrontation," -> "Praising the final confrontation,"
That should get us all the way there, if not close. Thanks for your patience. Shooterwalker (talk) 15:35, 6 September 2022 (UTC)Reply
@Shooterwalker: I have addressed all your request. Lazman321 (talk) 03:39, 8 September 2022 (UTC)Reply
By the way, could you also do a general source reliability and formatting check for the FAC of the article for Fallout (video game) after this review, please? Lazman321 (talk) 04:27, 8 September 2022 (UTC)Reply
Made one or two minor fixes, and was happy to give this article a pass. Thanks for your hard work and congrats on the GA. (I'll add the main game to my watchlist and see if I can work on that in the next week.) Shooterwalker (talk) 13:51, 8 September 2022 (UTC)Reply
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