Talk:Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song/GA1
GA Review edit
Hi. You'll find my GA review below. It's not as bad as it looks; I just always like to add a free peer review with my GA review to help if you intend to take this to FA.
- The images technically check out, but I'd say File:Notice Melvin Van Peebles Sweet Sweetback's Baad Asssss Song DVD Review PDVD 007.jpg doesn't have enough critical commentary in itself and seems a little too decorative (WP:NFCC#8. Plus, there is already another image with similar printed writing on it, so WP:NFCC#3a may apply.
- Broad in its coverage, stability, neutrality, MOS, sourcing all check out
- Intro:
- link gonorrhea
- "Van Peebles' musical score was performed by Earth, Wind & Fire" - isn't it more like "The musical score of Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song was performed by Earth, Wind & Fire"?
- overuse of -ing in one sentence: "The film is an important work in the history of African American cinema, paving ... demonstrating ... portraying ... leading ..."
- Plot:
- mention again that Sweetback is African American for context
- "mouth off" may be too colloquial, I don't know. My online dictionary doesn't even list it
- "Sweetback goes to a woman cuts his handcuffs off in exchange for sex" - grammar
- MuMu or Mumu - consistency
- The actors for Beetle and MuMu should be mentioned as well, for consistency
- Pre-production
- So, did the character have more than six lines in the end?
- Production:
- "... he could not mix two different shades of lights" - what does this mean? Is this referring to mechanical film lights, or skin tones, or outdoor sunlight?
- "The film was shot over a period..." is jarring at the "and otherwise" bit
- "Van Peebles told him to do it, anyway" - no comma necessary, I think
- "Because it was dangerous to attempt to create a film without the support of the Union" - why was it dangerous? Union members sabotaging non-Union members, no work ethics among non-Union members, no insurance,... ? (The last sentence may make it clear, but it's a little late for the reader)
- Directing
- "Van Peebles states..." - 2x should be "stated" (and check the article for more such occurances via Ctrl+F). You can trim the first one to "Van Peebles approached directing the film..."
- "i.e., by editing" - this is the first time ever that I have seen i.e. being followed by a comma (if the print source uses it as well, I haven't said a thing :-))
- "Peebles also wanted... Van Peebles also knew..." - also-itis
- Editing
- "although it is likely that" - reads like OR. Either attribute this speculation to a reliable source directly after the claim, or remove this claim
- S. Torriano Berry needs some kind of job description in the prose so that the reader doesn't have to click the ref to find out what kind of reputation he has.
- Music
- avoid contractions like "didn't" per WP:MOS#Contractions. Do a quick Ctrl+F search in the article.
- Release and alterations
- Mention the release year
- Response
- "Among the arguments..." - run-on sentence
- "Newton further argues"
- "A few months later" - after what?
- "neither revolutionary nor black" - is mentioned twice, and I doubt it's intentional
- Legacy
- First sentence absolutely needs a ref, even if it's just three refs from above where reviewers imply it's an important film
- Mentioning Shaft and Super Fly twice seems redundant
All in all, well done. I think the one thing that keeps this article from becoming an FA at the moment is the overuse of quotes, especially in the first part of the article. They should be paraphrased wherever possible. Another copyedit would also help, but it's definitately good enough for GA. I'll put the article on hold to give an opportunity to address the issues within the next 7 days. Feel free to ignore any notes where you think they make the article worse instead of better, where you think I was unnecessarily nitpicky, or where it's evident that my brain wasn't working when I was typing. Please leave a note here when you feel you're done. – sgeureka t•c 21:53, 15 December 2008 (UTC)