Talk:Ricky Riccitelli/GA1
Latest comment: 5 years ago by Gonzo fan2007 in topic GA Review
GA Review
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Reviewer: Gonzo fan2007 (talk · contribs) 15:59, 17 December 2018 (UTC)
Good Article review progress box
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- Lead
- "...took part in Francis Douglas Memorial College first XV." - I'm not a rugby person, so I really don't know what this sentence means (the XV specifically). Also, shouldn't "College" be "College's"?
- "...debut for the union in 2017" - what is "the union" referring to?
- "Riccitelli represents the Taranaki provincial team and made his professional debut for the union in 2017 at the age of 22." - this sentence is weird, the first phrase is in the present tense while the second is in past tense. Recommend rewriting.
- "...before earning a short-term place in the Hurricanes 2016 Super Rugby squad." - what is a "short-term place"? Compared to other players it was short? Recommend just stating how long he was in the super league.
- What is "the Amber and Black awards"? Is it an award ceremony? If there is no article on it, than I recommend explaining what these awards are.
- "He has scored 6 career tries in all competitions." - this seems like a minor point that is not needed in the lead (unless that is a common item per WP:RUGBY or some other MOS I am unaware of)
- You also don't need the citations in the lead per MOS:LEADCITE. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 16:21, 17 December 2018 (UTC)
- Early life
- Recommend adding South Africa after "Durban" to clarify his nationality.
- Add link for Oakura
- "...was awarded his school's sportsman of the year in 2012." - I think you are missing the word "award" here.
- "In cricket, he appeared in Taranaki throughout the junior grades, his school's 1st XI for four years since 2009 as well as the Central Districts under-19 squad." - you need to clarify what Taranaki is (also link it). "1st" should be "first". I also don't really understand the last part of the sentence at all ("his school's 1st XI for four years since 2009 as well as the Central Districts under-19 squad."). Maybe split into two sentences? Needs further clarification.
- "He represented Taranaki in rugby at under-14 till under-18 levels and gained Hurricanes under-16 tournament team selection in 2012." - change "till" to "through". You also need to clarify what "Hurricanes" is referencing (also link it).
- "Riccitelli went on to feature in a maximum seven out of eight games including their historic win over England in the final starting at loosehead prop." - Why "maximum"? What is "loosehead prop? You need a comma after "including". « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 16:55, 17 December 2018 (UTC)
- Professional career
- "playing the season's first two out of three Ranfurly Shield matches against" - you can't play the first two out of three matches. You either play 2 out of 3, or you play the first 2.
- "He made his Super Rugby debut when being announced in the squads 23-man team to play the Brumbies in their season opener." - you can remove "when being announced"
- "He then had his short-term injury cover contract with the Hurricanes extended after the coaching staff had been impressed with his work ethic." - reword to "after his work ethic impressed the coaching staff."
- "After the Hurricanes success throughout the season" - missing the possessive apostrophe (Hurricanes')
- "Riccitelli appeared in all three finals including their grand final win over the Lions, impressing the Hurricanes' coaches with his accurate lineout throwing and strong ball-carrying" - you need a comma before "including"? Is "grand final" really necessary? Is there a link to the grand final you can link to? Are the details about impressing the coaches in one game really necessary?
- "2016 also saw Riccitelli feature in a disappointing Hawke's Bay season that finished in last place." - recommend rewriting so that the sentence doesn't start with 2016. "Season" should be "team" (the team "finished in last place").
- "He though continued to make progress as a loosehead prop during their Mitre 10 Cup campaign" - "though" sounds better if it is moved to after "progress". What is a loosehead prop? What progress is he making?
- "hosted Bay of Plenty in which was their final outing " - rewrite to "Plenty, which was their"
- "He extended is appearances out to eighteen after he played in all Hawke's Bay's ten matches, making it a seasons best." - this sentence has many issues. Please rewrite and clarify.
- "Riccitelli returned to his home province of Taranaki." - Taranaki should be linked earlier in the article (see comment above), so you won't need this link after you fix that.
- "coach Colin Cooper said Riccitelli was among the chances to claim the vacant hooker position." - rewrite to "Riccitelli had a chance to claim"
- "another injury to Hurricanes captain" - missing the possessive apostrophe (Hurricanes')
- "...beating Leni Apisai to the role." - this phrase can probably be split into another sentence. It makes the original sentence run-on too much.
- "Riccitelli was brought in as cover for Nathan Harris ahead of the third test against France in Dunedin." - what does "brought in as cover" mean?
- "Riccitelli later gained selection honours with Robbie Deans World XV" - missing the possessive apostrophe (Robbie Deans')
- "after head coach John Plumtree named his inclusion during the 2019 Super Rugby side announcement in October 2018." - "named his inclusion" is a weird phrasing. Maybe just use "...Plumtree included him in the 2019..."
- Why are there two sub-sections in this section? Seems like an arbitrary break considering he didn't switch teams. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 17:52, 17 December 2018 (UTC)
- Statistics
- What does the † stand for? There is no legend for the table that describes this. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 16:21, 17 December 2018 (UTC)
- Images
- No images in the article. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 15:59, 17 December 2018 (UTC)
- References
- Ref 1 needs a publisher/website field and an access-date. Also, ref 1 doesn't mention Ricky at all.
- What makes Ref 3 reliable?
- All other refs look good. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 18:22, 17 December 2018 (UTC)
- Comments
- I will review this one. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 15:59, 17 December 2018 (UTC)
- Just a general comment for you to look through the whole article: you have a tendency to write the article assuming the reader knows a lot of things (team names, rugby terms, locations, etc). You need to write as if the reader has no idea what you are talking about. After you have addressed the edits above, please read through the whole article as if you didn't know anything about rugby. See if there are any other areas that need clarification. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 16:55, 17 December 2018 (UTC)
- Kidsoljah, thanks for the opportunity to review your article. However, I would say right now I am borderline on failing it for now, as it has a lot of issues for a WP:GAC, especially the prose, which is lacking. There are some details that are way too specific (how coaches feel about a specific performance, for example). There are also some duplicate link issues (see MOS:DUPLINK). Lastly, the prose lacks clarity and a natural flow. I'll give you the chance to address the items above and see how the article looks after. However, if it still has a number of issues, I may fail it and ask that you work on it and then renominate it at a later point. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 18:22, 17 December 2018 (UTC)
- Kidsoljah, I am going to go ahead and fail this nom for now. Please feel free to address the comments above and renominate it. If you do renominate it, drop a note on my talk page and I will review it again so you don't have to wait for a few months on the WP:GAN page. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 17:15, 27 December 2018 (UTC)