Talk:Power Hungry (Fringe)/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Grapple X (talk · contribs) 19:49, 17 January 2013 (UTC)

Dispensing with {{GAList2}}. Shock horror.

• "The team becomes aware that a human has the uncontrolled ability to affect electrical energy, made this way by Jacob Fischer (Max Baker), a rogue scientist wanted by Interpol, who experimented on humans, by luring his victims through bogus advertsements." -> This one's pretty long. I'd suggest cutting it between "energy" and "made this way" at the very least. The advert bit could also be a sentence by itself.

• Tweaked it.

• "when both minds were linked in the pilot," -> I'd refer to this by the actual in-story events ("when both minds were linked during Scott's coma") and then mention it was in "Pilot" (also I'd prefer "in "Pilot"" to "in the pilot" but that's my own personal tastes).
• "Phillip Broyles (Lance Reddick) hands Olivia his personal effects, where among them she finds an engagement ring, thus proving Scott's claim of his love for her." -> I think this one feels a little muddled. Maybe "Phillip Broyles (Lance Reddick) hands Olivia Scott's personal effects. Among them she finds an engagement ring, proving Scott's claim to have loved her."
• "According to co-creator Roberto Orci" -> specify it's the series we're talking about here, rather than the creation of this episode. "series co-creator" or "Fringe co-creator" would both work.
• "series writers often approached episode fringe cases" -> I think "episodes' fringe cases" would be correct here.
• "The crew filled the fuse box" -> forgive my Irishness but isn't AmE usage "fuze"?

• Us Americans also use "fuse" (unless I've been using it wrong all these years...).

• "Tony quietly mentions to Peter that his sister could use his help" -> I get, from following the show, that you mean Tony's sister could use Peter's help, but maybe dropping one of those uses of "his" for a name would clear that up for the layman.
• "11.048 million" -> could probably just round this to 11.05.
• "much like the last week" -> Maybe pipe this to "The Arrival", or stick "["The Arrival"]" in as an interpolation?
• "but now saw what the creators were up to." -> I think "were up to" seems a bit informal. Perhaps "but now saw the creators' intentions"?
• "with the same atmosphere of The X-Files " -> either "the same atmosphere as" or "the atmosphere of".
• Image caption might want to use "Meegar" instead of "Joseph", the plot summary already does this.
• That's all I'm really seeing here. I made a few minor tweaks myself (spelling and minus signs just). On hold, as per usual. GRAPPLE X 19:49, 17 January 2013 (UTC)

• Thanks much for the review, all comments now addressed. Amusing that this and another Fringe TFA ended up on the main page at the same time, as that wasn't my intention. I'm waiting for people to begin complaining of a Fringe cabal... Ruby 2010/2013 03:51, 18 January 2013 (UTC)

• Maybe the DYK hook breached through a soft spot. Changes look good, so this one's passing. Well done! GRAPPLE X 03:56, 18 January 2013 (UTC)