Talk:Nani Alapai/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Mike Christie (talk · contribs) 22:18, 4 February 2018 (UTC)

I'll review this. Mike Christie (talk - contribs - library) 22:18, 4 February 2018 (UTC)

• The lead's a bit short; can we add some more details from the body?

• Changed.@Mike Christie:.--KAVEBEAR (talk) 02:38, 5 February 2018 (UTC)

• Her father worked as a paniolo cowboy: I had to look up "paniolo". Since it seems to be the Hawaiian word for cowboy, shouldn't this be "...paniolo (cowboy)..."?

• Changed.--KAVEBEAR (talk) 02:38, 5 February 2018 (UTC)

• The family surname has always been spelled Molina: I don't follow this: it's "Malina" everywhere else in the article.

• Changed to "sometimes".--KAVEBEAR (talk) 02:38, 5 February 2018 (UTC)

• She became the wife Thomas C. Lake and later Prince David Kalākaua Kawānanakoa: missing "of"? And I assume these are two different men, so I'd suggest making it more straightforward: "Her third marriage was to ... and her fourth to ..." or something along those lines.

  Changed.--KAVEBEAR (talk) 02:38, 5 February 2018 (UTC)

  You now have "first marriage", which is wrong, surely? Mike Christie (talk - contribs - library) 03:49, 5 February 2018 (UTC)

  It's Cecelia's first marriage not Alapai's.--KAVEBEAR (talk) 04:32, 5 February 2018 (UTC)

• census records from her second marriage: not "census records", presumably, if they're associated with her marriage?

• Changed to records taken during her second marriage.--KAVEBEAR (talk) 02:38, 5 February 2018 (UTC)

• her sweet voice enchanted: I'd either cut "sweet" or quote enough of the original to make the point; we shouldn't have this opinion in Wikipedia's voice. Given the use of "sweet" in the following quote, I think you could just cut it.

• Changed.--KAVEBEAR (talk) 02:38, 5 February 2018 (UTC)

• During her career, she became known as the Prima Donna or Kāhuli of the Royal Hawaiian Band. The latter is a reference to the Oʻahu tree snails: how is "Kāhuli" a reference to the tree snails?

  Kahuli was the name of the snail in Hawaiian.--KAVEBEAR (talk) 02:38, 5 February 2018 (UTC)

  Then how about making it "The latter is a reference to the Oʻahu tree snails (Kāhuli in Hawaiian) which..."? Mike Christie (talk - contribs - library) 03:49, 5 February 2018 (UTC)

  Done.--KAVEBEAR (talk) 04:32, 5 February 2018 (UTC)

• You give the result of the conflict between her husband and Cohen before describing the conflict itself; it would be better to have it in chronological order.

  Can you give more directly suggested changes? Written as now. It explains the conflict and goes into the details.--KAVEBEAR (talk) 02:38, 5 February 2018 (UTC)

  I was thinking of something like this:

  In May 1906, Alapai was scheduled to accompany the band on their second continental tour of the United States. Her husband, who worked as the driver of a delivery wagon, wanted to accompany the band on the tour to protect his wife, but Joel C. Cohen, the group's manager, was unwilling to raise the extra funds for his travel expenses. The conflict between the two men resulted in Nani Alapai leaving the tour and being replaced as the lead female singer by Annie Leilehua Brown, one of her understudies. Cohen aired his frustration with the unreasonable request to the press, much to the chagrin of Nani Alapai, who defended her husband and refused to reconsider."

  But if you want to leave it as it is, that's fine too. Mike Christie (talk - contribs - library) 03:49, 5 February 2018 (UTC)

  @Mike Christie: Changed as recommended.--KAVEBEAR (talk) 04:37, 5 February 2018 (UTC)

• She was also regarded as one of the first vocalists: can we shorten this to just "She was one of the first vocalists", or does that miss some nuance I'm not seeing?

• It is not definite she was though, so regarded leaves things less definite.--KAVEBEAR (talk) 02:38, 5 February 2018 (UTC)

That's everything. The article is in good shape; I'll promote once these minor points are fixed. Mike Christie (talk - contribs - library) 22:41, 4 February 2018 (UTC)

Fixes are good; passing. Mike Christie (talk - contribs - library) 11:18, 5 February 2018 (UTC)