Talk:Frederick Galleghan/GA1
Latest comment: 3 years ago by Eddie891 in topic GA Review
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Reviewer: Eddie891 (talk · contribs) 22:11, 8 December 2020 (UTC)
- Comments
- "Of West Indian extraction" I think this could be phrased a bit more explicitly-- "extraction" isn't common, at least to my American ears
- Do we know what school(s) he attended?
- "The battalion then being formed in New South Wales, was" I think this comma is a bit out of place, but not positive
- You don't actually mention 'first world war' in the body at all-- maybe add a sentence like "When the First World War began..." to intro the section?
- "Now a sergeant" what does 'now' refer to here?
- "Galleghan would serve" not a fan of 'would' in these type articles-- could you rephrase to eliminate?
- "He would remain with this department " ditto
- "Four years later he would " ditto
- " However, the following month, the brigade, and Galleghan's battalion with it, was transferred to the 8th Division" you may be able to eliminate some of the commas with something like "the brigade, and Galleghan's battalion with it, was transferred the following month to the 8th Division"
- "was transferred to the 8th Division" so do we know where this was destined?
- "and
accordinglyimplemented a rigorous training program." not really needed
- "Galleghan was disappointed to find that despite being the most senior of the battalion commanders in the brigade, Lieutenant Colonel Duncan Maxwell was to be the replacement." could read as either Galleghan or Maxwell was the most senior
- " was withdrawn to the rear by a pessimistic Maxwell." maybe specify either why Maxwell was pessimistic, what he was pessimistic about, or why it's relevant
- :he departure of Major General Cecil Callaghan in July 1942." maybe clarify what 'departure' meant?
That's it on prose, nicely done-- just a few minor suggestions. Will review sourcing &c shortly. Cheers, Eddie891 Talk Work 02:03, 11 December 2020 (UTC)