Talk:FBI files on Michael Jackson/GA1

The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.

---

GA Review

Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch

Reviewer: SNUGGUMS (talk · contribs) 03:05, 9 November 2020 (UTC)

Taking this up for review. If I don't have any comments up within a week, then please ping me as a reminder. SNUGGUMS (talk / edits) 03:05, 9 November 2020 (UTC)

Starting with the lead section.....

Lead

• Having super short paragraphs, especially those with just a sentence or two, is frowned upon as it makes the prose look choppy. Either expand the first one or do some merging.
• I'd replace "pop star" with "singer"
• Starting two consecutive sentences with "The FBI" feels repetitive
• "by an individual who was later imprisoned for these crimes"..... a name would be helpful
• "between 1992 and 2005"..... let's be more specific and being the range with 1993 instead
• The last sentence of this section is quite a mouthful! Maybe split it after the "and more" and then replace "as many" with a period before "many"?

More to come later. SNUGGUMS (talk / edits) 00:25, 14 November 2020 (UTC)

 Done. TruthGuardians (talk) 03:31, 14 November 2020 (UTC)

FBI monitoring and investigation of Jackson

• To avoid a super short paragraph, maybe move the lone sentence up top into "Part one: FBI monitoring tabloid articles on Jackson" as it could provide some background on the initial motives to monitor Michael

What if I added a couple more sentences here to paint a timeline of what the FBI investigated and their involvement with Jackson beyond 1992 per the same source for this section as my newest edits to this section shows? Is this okay? TruthGuardians (talk) 04:47, 15 November 2020 (UTC)

I'm fine with that. SNUGGUMS (talk / edits) 15:15, 15 November 2020 (UTC)

 Done. TruthGuardians (talk) 04:44, 15 November 2020 (UTC)

Part one: FBI monitoring tabloid articles on Jackson

• Again, don't have tiny paragraphs that only contain one or two sentences. When merging them, I'd be sure the "recalled his 1979 interview with him in Louis Theroux's documentary, Louis, Martin & Michael" part is in the same paragraph as "it came out really without my authority" when those are derived from the same source (namely the aforementioned documentary)
• Use straight quotation marks (",') instead of curly ones (”, ’) per MOS:CURLY
• Too many sentences in the first paragraph begin with "the", which feels monotonous

This will most likely be done section-by-section. SNUGGUMS (talk / edits) 02:57, 15 November 2020 (UTC)

 Done. TruthGuardians (talk) 04:44, 15 November 2020 (UTC)

Part two: forensics analysis of Jackson's computers

• This should all be merged into a singular paragraph when both of its current ones are quite short
• "dated April 4, 2004" is missing a period at the end, and I only see April 5th for when the documents were sent to Anderson, not the 4th
• more MOS:CURLY issues with the last sentence

Sorry for not getting that in sooner. You shouldn't have to wait as long for my next batch of comments. SNUGGUMS (talk / edits) 06:05, 22 November 2020 (UTC)

You owe me no explanation at all. I'm Just thankful to have your free time in assisting me with this.

 Done.TruthGuardians (talk) 00:05, 23 November 2020 (UTC)

Part three: LAPD seeks Mann Act assistance and investigators determine the credibility of other allegations

• File:Michael Jackson’s Driver’s license.jpg is A-OK to use.
• Spell out Los Angeles Police Department upon the first prose mention of LAPD
• The decline to prosecute based on Mann Act was actually September 7, 1993, not the 8th.
• "during the 1993-1994 period"..... actually, it just seems to be 1993

 Done TruthGuardians (talk) 04:17, 29 November 2020 (UTC)

To be clearer since you seem to have misunderstood one of my comments, I meant to include the LAPD abbreviation right after it's first spelled out like you've done with FBI in the lead. SNUGGUMS (talk / edits) 04:37, 3 December 2020 (UTC)

Part four: video analysis

• For the sake of consistency, either change "4 of 7" to "04 to 07", or adjust the previous sections to get rid of the zeroes when counting parts.
• MOS:CURLY issues continue with the tape title

My next batch will most likely have parts five and six posted simultaneously. SNUGGUMS (talk / edits) 03:10, 29 November 2020 (UTC)

Thanks for the heads up, and continued thanks for your time.

 Done TruthGuardians (talk) 04:19, 29 November 2020 (UTC)

Part five: 2003–2005 period accusations

• The hyphen from "2003-2005" should be a dash like what this section header uses

 DoneTruthGuardians (talk) 18:48, 3 December 2020 (UTC)

Part six: death threats and extortion attempts

• "happens to be the FBI's largest released file" → "is the FBI's largest released file"
• More MOS:CURLY for the Frank Paul Jones quotes, which only seem to be included here instead of the attributed links

I added another good source with the exact quotes in it. I don't know what happened there or why that source was there LOL.

One more part remains! SNUGGUMS (talk / edits) 04:37, 3 December 2020 (UTC)

YAY!! I've really enjoyed your guidance and assistance with this. Your time has been valuable to me throughout. Thanks a bunch!

 Done TruthGuardians (talk) 18:53, 3 December 2020 (UTC)

Part seven: law enforcement interviews the 1993 accuser for 2005 trial

• Given the short length of both paragraphs, you may as well merge them into one
• MOS:CURLY continues with "legally fight any attempts to do so" and "no outstanding leads or evidence items"
• Use MDY format per MOS:DATE in the last sentence when this article pertains to an American subject

That concludes the FBI monitoring portion. My next batch of comments will most likely be the last. SNUGGUMS (talk / edits) 22:16, 5 December 2020 (UTC)

One more batch! I've learned so much from you thus far. Things I wouldn't have known or thought about looking up if it wasn't for this process.

 Done TruthGuardians (talk) 23:32, 5 December 2020 (UTC)

Media reaction

• "Quite a few media outlets gave notability to the release of the FBI files on Michael Jackson on December 22, 2009. On that day, news media started to report on the content of the FBI files." is rather wordy, and the first sentence has subpar tone. I'd replace both of these with "News media began covering the content of the FBI files after they were released on December 22, 2009."
• "These outlets include, but not limited to, the following:" → "These outlets included"
• Don't display "(magazine)" parentheticals within prose. You can look what I've used in my bullet point below regarding italics for how to properly format them while maintaining the correct article links.
• Italicize Billboard, The Guardian, USA Today, and Variety.
• I would establish "GMA" as an abbreviation for Good Morning America by including that in parentheticals after first introducing the term in full, and this acronym should probably be italicized when do you use it.
• You appear to have used the MTV citation twice in a row. I'd make this just one instance.
• "would again become media attention"..... gather or attract seem like better choices than "become"
• "made mention" → "mentioned"
• "admittedly is no" should be "is not a" or "was not a"
• Four instances of "Sheriff's" have MOS:CURLY issues

 DoneTruthGuardians (talk) 02:56, 11 December 2020 (UTC)

See also

• I'm not convinced there's any benefit of linking to FBI files on Elvis Presley despite the marriage to his daughter Lisa, so either get rid of this section altogether or replace that link with something that more specifically pertains to Michael

Linked it to the trial

 DoneTruthGuardians (talk) 06:35, 11 December 2020 (UTC)

References

• All citations need work names, author names (when applicable), accessdates (unless offline), and publication dates
• "NYTimes.com" → The New York Times
• "www.theguardian.com" → The Guardian
• "edition.cnn.com." → CNN (shouldn't be italicized)
• "news.bbc.co.uk" → BBC News
• "www.reuters.com" → Reuters
• Remove the italics from France 24, ABC News, BBC, and Dailymotion, also get rid of "- video dailymotion" from the lattermost's title
• Don't use all capitals for "Today" in USA Today
• Replace "Unforgivable Blackness" with "PBS" (and don't italicize it)
• This should be marked as a Varitey link even when rehashing something from Associated Press
• "E! Online" → "E!" (no italics)
• Duplicate references should be merged (there's more than one link to Part 1 of the FBI files, and same goes for Parts 2 and 3)

This took me a long time. Sheesh.

 Done TruthGuardians (talk) 06:18, 11 December 2020 (UTC)

Overall

• Prose: Needs to be copyedited, and acronyms should have clear establishments before using shorthand forms
• Referencing: Citation formatting isn't up to par, and you shouldn't have duplicates
• Coverage: It seems like all major aspects are addressed without going into excessive detail
• Neutrality: I'm not comfortable with how "Media reaction" opens up, but have given a way to improve it
• Stability: Nothing of concern
• Media: The one image used is A-OK
• Verdict: Placing on hold for seven days effective immediately. I believe that'll be enough time to address my remaining comments. SNUGGUMS (talk / edits) 01:51, 11 December 2020 (UTC)

I just did some minor adjusting after looking through again, and now the page is ready to be promoted to GA. Well done! SNUGGUMS (talk / edits) 16:48, 11 December 2020 (UTC)

The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.