Talk:Crawl (Chris Brown song)/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Cavie78 (talk) 14:03, 12 April 2010 (UTC)

1. It is reasonably well written.

   a (prose): (MoS):

2. It is factually accurate and verifiable.

   a (references): (citations to reliable sources): (OR):

3. It is broad in its coverage.

   a (major aspects): (focused):

4. It follows the neutral point of view policy.

   Fair representation without bias:

5. It is stable.

   No edit wars, etc.:

6. It is illustrated by images, where possible and appropriate.

   a (images are tagged and non-free images have fair use rationales): (appropriate use with suitable captions):

7. Overall:

   Pass/Fail:

Seems like quite a decent article on the whole. I have several concerns which are listed below. I'm placing on hold until these issues are addressed Cavie78 (talk) 14:11, 13 April 2010 (UTC)

General

1. I think the alternative cover fails WP:NFCC#8 I suspect the image is actually the UK single cover rather than something generated by the BBC but, either way, one cover image is sufficient. - Removing image per NFCC, not UK cover, was a fan generated image by BBC.
2. The article should include a track listing per Wikipedia:WikiProject Songs#Article content

Lead

1. "It is the second single from his third studio album Graffiti." & "It was released for digital download on November 24, 2009." I'd suggest merging these two sentences to something like ""Released as a digital download on November 24, 2009, the song was the second single to be taken from Brown's third studio album Graffiti." - Fixed
2. "failure of a relationship and yearning to rebuild it" It would probably be better to say "yearning to rebuild a failed relationship" - Fixed
3. "was interpreted by critics as Brown's relationship with Rihanna" rewrite as something like "was interpreted by critics as a being about Brown's relationship with R&B recording artist and model Rihanna." - Fixed

#"had only a moderate impact in the United States, peaking at number fifty-three." Think it would be better to say "performed less well in the United States, peaking at number fifty-three on the Billboard Hot 100." - Fixed

1. "The accompanying music video features Brown and American R&B singer Cassie as his love interest." Think it would be better to say "A music video was made to accompany the song's release as a single. The video features Brown and American R&B singer Cassie as his love interest." However, I disagree and think the wording sounds better.
2. "In the video, he yearns for their relationship in a winter night and desert scenes." I think this sentence should be rewritten. Nothing in the body seems to support the fact that Brown "yearns for their relationship" during the video (and that's an odd turn of phrase anyway) and I feel that the video could be better summarised. - Fixing wording.
3. "Brown notably performed the song" Why notably?

Only "notable" performance that Brown has given of the song.

• Background

1. Is there no information about the writing of the song? I've searched high and low for information, but all I can gather is the MTV article about him saying it wasn't about specifically about Rihanna or any previous relationships.
2. "The song made its way onto the internet on October 21, 2009, one day after ex-girlfriend Rihanna's ballad "Russian Roulette" did also." Why is this important? You should briefly establish the facts relating to Brown and Rihanna's relationship and the media coverage it received."made its way" do you mean it leaked? I don't like "did also" - consider revising. - Fixed
3. "The song, which is described as "melancholy", sees Brown singing about a relationship that has slipped out of his hands, and according to MTV, "lyrical [sic] parallels to his situation with Rihanna are inevitable." consider revising to "The "melancholy" song..." I worded it like that to begin with because I thought I needed to since it is what MTV called it in a quote, not what the song is typically described as.
4. I've done some copy editing on the second half of the first paragraph, I think it reads much better now, hope you agree. - Agreed.
5. The second paragraph is almost entirely made up of a (largely nonsensical) quote from Brown. You should try and paraphrase some of this. See Wikipedia:Quotations Paraphrased some, trimmed, fixed.

Critical reception

1. You should start the section with a summary of critical response as in the lead "The song received positive to mixed reviews." - Fixed.
2. "recalls his Jordin Sparks collaboration “No Air,” finds C. Breezy longing to mend a broken relationship." I don't really understand this quote. Who is C. Breezy? Would it be better to end the sentence after "No Air"? C. Breezy is a nickname he is called, used by MTV in the review. Fixed it.

Chart performance

1. "After the song's premiere on Brown's MechanicalDummy.com website, "Crawl" made its official debut on the R&B/Hip-Hop Songs chart at number ninety-nine." When was this? The lead states that the song was released on November 24, 2009 - this should be included in the article body. The first time was just a posting on Brown's website, so the date really isn't relevant.
2. "...ceased to progress partly due to the fact that the song never was officially released to urban radio" This needs a cite. Didn't know how to cite it because it was pretty-self explanatory, but using cite from rhythmic radio add.
3. "In February, the song re-entered the chart at eighty-five, and debuted on the UK R&B chart at twenty-five. On the week of February 27, 2010, the song reached its peak of number thirty-five on the charts." This is a bit confusing, consider putting the info about the UK R&B chart in one sentence. - Fixed wording.

Music video

1. "Kahn is known for directing comeback videos, as he directed the video for Britney Spears's 2008 comeback song, "Womanizer"." You should say more here, very briefly mentioning that Spear's 'comeback' followed her public breakdown. Also I think "known" is a bit too strong considering the Spear's video was the only 'comeback' he'd shot prior to "Crawl" - Fixed
2. "The video features American R&B singer Cassie as Brown's love interest. He went on saying..." The sentence about Cassie is poorly placed, coming in the middle of quotes by Khan. Fixed, moved up.
3. Again the second paragraph seems to rely too heavily on quotes. You just about get away with it this time but I'd suggest trimming and paraphrasing where you can. Paraphrased a few parts.
4. Why do we need to know about photos of the video appearing on the net before the videos release? Only preview available for video before premiere and adds relative detail.
5. "Brown premiered the video on The Wendy Williams Show on Friday, November 13, 2009." I'm not sure how Brown could premiere the video - do you just mean "The video premiered..."? I also think it would be better to say "The video was first aired..." or something similar as you've used the word 'premiere' in the previous section. - Fixed
6. "heart begins beating and is lighted in red on his chest." Needs rewriting to something like "heart is shown lit up red and beating in his chest." - Fixed
7. "The singer then walks into an alleyway on a winter's night, revealed by his breath." I see what you're saying but this could be worded better to make it clear that the fact we can see his breath illustrates the fact that it is a cold night. Tried to fix wording. I don't know if I made it better or worse. Lol!
8. "Brown walks through several storefronts" Do you mean "walks past"? "walks through" suggests he's smashing thorough walls like the Incredible Hulk. - Fixed
9. "before Cassie sees him and they walk towards each other meeting face-to-face but Brown does not reel her end as the video ends." Firstly you should state that the video (presumably?) returns to the winter's night scene before Cassie finally sees Brown. Secondly I'm not sure what the end of the sentence means - "Brown does not reel her end"? - Fixed first. Second, "does not reel her in" as not does not embrace her? That's the only other wording I can come up with.

Live performances

1. "on Black Entertainment Television's SOS Saving Ourselves: Hope for Haiti Telethon, to benefit the country after the earthquake." This could be worded better, you should state the year of the earthquake and explain that, presumably, the Telethon aimed to raise money. - Fixed.

Release history

1. I'm a bit confused about the entry for Rhythmic Radio. Why is it important to note this date? The song was already out so why couldn't radio stations play it before December? Yes, however all singles are given an official radio release date.

Still to do

Have had a quick look through and the article looks much better but there still seem to be a few minor points outstanding.

1. Still no track listing which should be present per Wikipedia:WikiProject Songs#Article content
2. In the 'chart performance section' - "After the song's premiere on Brown's MechanicalDummy.com website, "Crawl" made its official debut on the R&B/Hip-Hop Songs chart at number ninety-nine." Probably wasn't explicit enough, what I meant was you need to state the date of the release of the single as a download, it's not enough to just say "After the song's premiere..." So something like "After the song's premiere on Brown's MechanicalDummy.com website, "Crawl" was released as a digital download on [DATE], debuting at number ninety-nine of the R&B/Hip-Hop Songs chart."
3. Also in chart performance the cite I requested was to back up the statement "ceased to progress partly due to the fact that the song was never officially released to urban radio" The one you've provided doesn't do this. This seems to me to be POV speculation at present. There can be many reasons why a track doesn't perform well - sure the lack of an official radio release may not have helped but I don't think you can make a claim like this without a source.

Fixed these ! Candyo32 (talk) 06:21, 24 April 2010 (UTC)