Talk:Charles T. Hinde/GA1
Latest comment: 11 years ago by Malleus Fatuorum in topic GA Review
GA Review edit
- The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made in a new section.
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Reviewer: Malleus Fatuorum (talk · contribs) 16:47, 11 October 2012 (UTC)
Lead
"Towards the end of his life he donated a large portion of his estate to undertake various projects for the city of Coronado, California."
That doesn't quite work; you donate to something or someone, not "to undertake". I'm not sure "estate" is the right word there either, as in this sense its more commonly used to describe the assets of someone who's died. Perhaps "wealth" would be better?- Changed.
Early years
"His father was a real estate investor and Methodist minister .... During the early years of Hinde's life, the family constantly moved because his father was a circuit preacher of the Methodist faith and a real estate investor."
Some obvious repetition there. It's also not obvious why real estate investors have to be nomadic.- Changed. Tried to remove repetition and provide better explanation.
"Hinde grew up and attended local schools in Mount Carmel, Illinois ...".
Everyone grows up; do you mean that Hinde grew up in Mount Carmel? If so, how is that consistent with the previous statement that the family was constantly on the move?
"Hinde's parents died when he was young, and he and his other siblings were forced to live with other relatives or fend for themselves."
Why other siblings, when we haven't mentioned any siblings yet?In the first paragraph of the early years section it states, "He was one of six children born to Thomas S. Hinde (1785–1846) and Sara Cavileer Hinde (1791–1847)."- So what? "Other siblings" is simply incorrect, as we haven't at this point mentioned any siblings. Malleus Fatuorum 14:30, 13 October 2012 (UTC)
- Changed.
"For a short time in the 1850s, Hinde and some of his other siblings lived with his sister, Martha ...".
Another "other siblings".
"Historians believe he was able to attend the university because his father was a close friend of Francis Asbury ...".
"Able" doesn't seem to be the correct word. "Allowed"? "Admitted to the university"? Why did he drop out after 18 months?- Changed. Deleted "able". Added explanation for college dropout.
Employment in river navigation
"... before resigning that position to organize the Halliday Brothers of Cairo, Illinois."
Organizing them to do what? Is the Halliday Brothers a company? What kind of company?- Changed. Added information for clarification.
"He subsequently secured the agency for all the steamboat lines passing through Cairo".
What does that mean? What's an agency?- Changed.
"... formed the St. Louis & Memphis Packet Company, a forwarding commission and transfer company for which he served as agent."
That seems a little odd; it was his own company, yet he was only its agent?- Changed.
"Shortly after this, Hinde lived in Evansville, Indiana ...".
That seems rather unidiomatic; he moved to Evansville? Shortly after what? Forming his company or acting as its agent?- Changed.
Railroad business
"... by chance became connected to the Baltimore and Ohio Railroad Company."
How can you become connected to a company?- Changed. Added clarification.
"Shortly before he received an invitation from E. S. Babcock to move to Coronado, California ...".
Why did Babcock invite Hinde to move to Coronado?- Changed.
Coronado Beach Company
"The economy did not begin to recover until 1897, and growth remained brisk until the Panic of 1907."
How could growth have remained brisk, as it certainly wasn't brisk in 1897?- ?
- How could it remain brisk when it wasn't brisk to begin with? Not sure what it is that's growing briskly anyway? The economy? Hinde's business?
- Changed. I now understand your point and tried to better clarify sentence.
- ?
Connection to the Reid Brothers
"In Evansville, Hinde had become acquainted with the Reid Brothers...".
We've already been told this, at the end of the Employment in river navigation section. I don't think there's enough substance here to justify a stand-alone section, and the material really ought to be distributed to the appropriate place(s) in the article.- Changed. Deleted stand alone section and added material to Coronado Beach Company section.
Philanthropy and inheritance
This is a very odd little section that really ought to be merged with the final section, Later life. It's very odd talking about the terms of his will when we've not yet been told of his death for one thing, and he only became philanthropic towards the end of his life for another. Basically I don't think this section can be justified.- Changed. Deleted section and created new section called Later life and legacy.
"Hinde actively gave to charities in the Coronado vicinity ...".
As opposed to giving passively or being mugged?
Later life
"He was 72 years old at the time."
At what time? when he took up investment as a hobby? If so, then this really ought to be merged with the opening sentence, something alon the lines of "At the age of 72, Hinde took up investment as a hobby".- Changed.
"Hinde's best friend was John D. Spreckels; together they launched numerous successful business ventures, including the Hotel del Coronado."
We already know they launched the Hotel del Coronado. If it's significant that Spreckel was Hinde's best friend then that could have mentioned sooner, and not just lobbed in here. Also, what's the difference between a "closest friend" and a "best friend"?- Changed. Reworded and moved to earlier in section.
"Around 1912, Hinde entertained President William Howard Taft, a Republican, at his home in Coronado."
Why are we apparently uncertain about the year?- Changed.
References
- What is ref #13 supposed to be linking to, and why? Nolan (2011) the book(?) listed in ref #10?
What is ref #20?- Estate papers filed in California District Court
Ref #21 is apparently used to support this statement: "he [Hinde] had probably invested in the company in the late 1890s or early 1900s". But Hinde isn't mentioned anywhere in the web page linked to.- Changed. Deleted sentence.
- OK, I think we're done here now. Thanks for dealing with all the issues I raised so promptly and cheerfully. Malleus Fatuorum 17:54, 15 October 2012 (UTC)
The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.