Wikipedia:Peer review/Stephen Sondheim/archive2

Stephen Sondheim edit

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I'm trying to improve it's quality. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks, Phaeton23 (talk) 17:16, 4 August 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Images. There are images of Sondheim here: Hirschfield illustration (see also this); as a very young man and many other photos. More images: here. More Hirschfeld images And some explanation. None of these are free images, so you would need a fair use summary, which is very difficult to make with a living person. The article would have to *discuss* the image so that you could make the case that the image is necessary to illustrate something in particular that is discussed in the article. See Wikipedia:Non-free content criteria, especially criterion #8. Ooh! THIS might be a free image. -- Ssilvers (talk) 18:46, 4 August 2011 (UTC)[reply]

from Tim riley

Having failed to follow up my comments at the earlier PR I shall do so here in the next day or two. Tim riley (talk) 19:09, 12 August 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Jamie or Jimmy Hammerstein? You use both names in the article.
"Sondheim agreed, and despite frequent dissonance and a highly chromatic style, his music remains resolutely tonal" – citation needed
"Ironically, Sondheim has expressed his dislike of movie musicals" – be careful with "ironic" or variants – as my favourite style guide has it, "Do not use when what you mean is strange, coincidental, paradoxical or amusing (if you mean them say so, or leave the reader to decide.)"
"In 1954…" - two "London's" in successive sentences. Clunky.
"and a full British premiere with the new songs due in 2009" – and did it take place?
"He has said that this is the one project he has regretted" – bit of a tease to say this but not to say why he regrets it.
"To fans, Sondheim's musical sophistication is considered to be greater than that of many of his musical theatre peers, and his lyrics are likewise renowned for their ambiguity, wit, and urbanity." – Wholly POV unless you can find a respectable citation
"Notably, the score was mostly composed" – if it is notable then you don't need to say so (and if it were not notable it oughtn't to be here)
"the most non-traditional" – a bit effortful: why not "the least traditional"?
"Sondheim—Prince" – en dash, not em dash needed here
[24][25][26][27][28] – overkill on the references here, surely?
"Sondheim's more "traditional" scores" – why the quotation marks?
"performance flop. "Merrily did not succeed" – opening quotes before Merrily seem to be a typo
"Pacific Overtures (1976) had music" – why does this show get a second write-up? It is already covered four paras earlier
"Weidman would also write the book for Road Show" – does that mean he wrote it? The subjunctive is confusing.
"Sondheim was asked to translate Mahagonny-Songspiel, although he did not state the time."– What does this mean?
"female sculptor" – the word"sculptress" exists for just such a use

I hope these few points are useful. On the whole the article contains most of what one would hope to see, and is generally well referenced. General point: there are a lot of short paragraphs, some of which could with advantage be combined to help the flow of the prose. Tim riley (talk) 08:35, 19 August 2011 (UTC)[reply]