Wikipedia:Peer review/Stephen Sondheim/archive1

Stephen Sondheim

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because he is the one of the most influencial musical theatre composers, and I'm curious what work this page needs.

Thank You, Phaeton23 (talk) 18:58, 27 June 2011 (UTC)

Tim riley comments

• Lead
  • "his famous scores include … as well as the lyrics for…" Some confusion in construction here: his famous scores ipso facto don't include the lyrics for the shows he didn't compose.
  • "silver screen" – a bit florid for an encyclopaedia article, perhaps?
  • "He is also the only living composer with a quarterly journal published in his name" – I didn't spot a repetition of (or more to the point a citation for) this in the main article.
• Early years
  • "Herbert, his father" – you've told us that already in the previous line
  • "While living in New York, Stephen Sondheim" – why add his given name here?
  • "Sondheim recalls … Sondheim said" – in consecutive sentences; avoid the repetition, or at least standardise on present/past tense
• Career
  • "George School" – why repeat the blue link? (see WP:OVERLINK)
• Broadway lyricist
  • Remove blue link from London (see WP:OVERLINK)
  • "with the new songs due in 2009" – 2009 happened some time ago: update needed
  • "stating they don't always fit" – contraction a touch informal for an encyclopaedia article, wouldn't you say?
  • "and that Bernstein’s co-lyricist" – not clear about this: do you mean Sondheim's co-lyricist? Did Bernstein write any of the lyrics?
  • "the lyrics for yet another show" – yet another after only one?
  • "Hammerstein" – remove otiose blue link
  • "Leonard Bernstein" – ditto
• Collaborations with Hal Prince (1970–1981)
  • "Hal or Harold? Be consistent
  • "Since then" – since when?
  • "concept musical" – needs an explanation
  • "aficionados" – remove blue link to "fan" or use a less pretentious term
  • "ambiguity" – blue link needed?
  • "Company" – lose repeated blue link
  • "Further success was accorded" – citation needed for this sentence
  • "…his songs are frequently performed and recorded by cabaret artists and theatre singers in their solo careers." – and for this one
  • "17 performances and 40 previews" – why put the previews after the performances?
  • "Sondheim-Prince" – the MoS requires an en-dash rather than a hyphen here
  • "(Frank Sinatra and Carly Simon each recorded a different song from the show)." – citation needed
  • "a long-in-the-works musical comedy" – what does this mean? Unclear to an English reader.
• Collaborations with James Lapine (1984–1994)
  • "after Merrily - until the" – en dash needed here
  • "It is one of only nine musicals to receive this prestigious award." – citation needed
  • "Sondheim-Lapine" – en dash needed
• Conversation with Frank Rich
  • "The first four paragraphs could be rolled into one, to the advantage of the article
• Unfinished/canceled works
  • "America - when" – en dash needed
  • Too many short, stubby paragraphs in this sub-section, several of which could be merged.
• Honors and awards
  • "Jonathan Tunick" – this is his first mention in the whole article. Ought he not to be mentioned rather earlier?
• Image: under WP rules you are perfectly entitled to upload a non-free image of Sondheim to put at the top of the article, with a suitable non-free-use rationale, and I think you ought to do so.
• WP links: Please redirect the links for Alexander Hanson, Ben Wright, Reds, Road show, and Score from disambiguation pages to the pages to which you wish the reader to be directed. (Do you need a link for the last at all, I wonder?)

That's all I can spot at the moment. I'll try to make time for another read-through later. Hope these few minor comments help. Tim riley (talk) 11:37, 5 July 2011 (UTC)

• Thank you for combing through this entire article. Hopefully it was educationally rewarding.
  • Lead
    • "his famous scores include … as well as the lyrics for…" Some confusion in construction here: his famous scores ipso facto don't include the lyrics for the shows he didn't compose. <-- I'm confused by your wording, but scores usually refer to music only. Gypsy and West Side Story are considered classics, so that is why they would be mentioned.
    • "Sondheim recalls … Sondheim said" – in consecutive sentences; avoid the repetition, or at least standardise on present/past tense <-- could not find this.
  • Broadway lyricist
    • "and that Bernstein’s co-lyricist" – not clear about this: do you mean Sondheim's co-lyricist? Did Bernstein write any of the lyrics? <-- West Side Story (music by Bernstein and lyrics by Sondheim), but Bernstein's name was no longer listed as a co-lyricist during tryouts because Sondheim had done so much uncredited work on the musical score.
  • Collaborations with Hal Prince (1970–1981)
    • "Hal or Harold? Be consistent <-- His official birth name is Harold, but he referred to Hal just about everywhere I have seen
  • Unfinished/canceled works
    • Too many short, stubby paragraphs in this sub-section, several of which could be merged. <-- I personally love this section, as I am a huge fan of Sondheim and I am curious to see what things he might have written or been offered. The reason most of the are so short is because a lot of them never got very far.
  • Honors and awards
    • "Jonathan Tunick" – this is his first mention in the whole article. Ought he not to be mentioned rather earlier <-- he was the orchestrator/musical director and I have not read much of his contributions or relationship with Sondheim.
  • Image: under WP rules you are perfectly entitled to upload a non-free image of Sondheim to put at the top of the article, with a suitable non-free-use rationale, and I think you ought to do so. <-- if you could go step by step with me on this, mostly which media form for the photo do I choose.

Thank you very much again, and I have made most of the changes you suggested. :) Phaeton23 (talk) 18:50, 11 July 2011 (UTC)