Wikipedia:Peer review/Leo Ornstein/archive1

Leo Ornstein edit

Article on a virtually forgotten, but once renowned (and notorious) musical figure—perhaps The Sex Pistols or Eminem of 1914—with an intriguing (and v-e-r-y long) post-celebrity life. Any comments/observations/suggestions would be helpful.—DCGeist 02:28, 17 March 2007 (UTC)[reply]

bcasterline edit

Looks like an exceptional article. Some comments:

Under "Fame and futurism": is "concertizing" really a word? I would replace it with something more clear and less jarring.

It is, but you're right—unnecessarily jargonistic. Edited.—DCGeist 06:10, 17 March 2007 (UTC)[reply]

I think the use of quotations is generally effective, but you might consider replacing some with simpler paraphrasing. The last sentence of the first paragraph of "Later life", for example, is confusing.

Right. Edited.—DCGeist 06:10, 17 March 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Lots of colons and semicolons. I don't think anything's grammatically incorrect, but think about rewriting some passages to get rid of them. The last sentence of "Transition in the 1920s" is a good example of something that could be rewritten.

Decolonized. I'll make sure no more sneak in.—DCGeist 07:33, 17 March 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Not much is said about the Ornstein School of Music in Philadelphia -- you might think about adding more information if it's available.

Brilliant call, mate. You inspired me to go outside the usual classical music sources, which say only little, and it turns out a couple of very important jazz players went there. Thank you so much.—DCGeist 06:10, 17 March 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Great work overall. -- bcasterline • talk 05:21, 17 March 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Response: Much gratitude for your specific and wonderfully productive comments.—DCGeist 07:33, 17 March 2007 (UTC)[reply]
- No problem; pleasure to read. I hope you're thinking about FAC, by the way. Certainly seems like a worthy candidate to me. -- bcasterline • talk 18:49, 17 March 2007 (UTC)[reply]