Wikipedia:Featured article candidates/Beecher's Handmade Cheese/archive1
- The following is an archived discussion of a featured article nomination. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the article's talk page or in Wikipedia talk:Featured article candidates. No further edits should be made to this page.
The article was not promoted by User:SandyGeorgia 06:56, 6 October 2008 [1].
Beecher's Handmade Cheese edit
Hello, I'd like to nominate Beecher's Handmade Cheese for it's first FAC attempt. It's had a formal peer review here, and an informal one on the article's talk page, with all the changes now in place, along with some extra copyediting and clean up beyond that. There likely is some grammatical horror or MOS trouble, because my copyediting work isn't my strong suit, and as I'm still learning MOS. Please let me know what needs improving! Thanks! rootology (C)(T) 02:36, 6 October 2008 (UTC)[reply]
- Please close and archive the peer review. SandyGeorgia (Talk) 02:54, 6 October 2008 (UTC)[reply]
- Oppose. This article needs a careful copyedit. A few examples:
- "As of 2006, a second cheese making center was opened in South Seattle, which includes a cheese aging facility." So South Seattle includes a cheese aging facility?
- "A portion of the cheese curds used in the manufacturing process are set aside ...".
- "Beecher'ss are sold in retail stores beyond the Seattle area ...".
- "A cookbook by Dammeier, Pure Flavor: 125 Fresh All-American Recipes From The Pacific Northwest, has been published incorporated recipes from Beecher's."
- "Together with Brad Sinko, who helped run a family cheesemaking business in Oregon, they established the Beecher's brand ...". Should be he established.
- "Fourth through sixth grade elementary school children are educated on the effects of food additives ...". We don't all live in the US. Why not something like school children between the ages of whatever fourth grade and sixth grade means?
- "... has been prepared by Dammeier druing guest appearances on several television programs ...". There really ought not to be such obvious typos in a FAC.
- Reference #7 is malformed.
--Malleus Fatuorum (talk) 03:01, 6 October 2008 (UTC)[reply]
- Thank you. I got all the points you listed, and take a look at the elementary school passage--does the Education in the United States#Elementary school link help to clarify that bit? I can try to dig up some independent sources for typical ages for those grades, if that would be better still? I'll go back through and try to copyedit more. rootology (C)(T) 03:20, 6 October 2008 (UTC)[reply]
- Actually, for the school children, I changed it to Primary education#United States which seems better. Please let me know. rootology (C)(T) 03:22, 6 October 2008 (UTC)[reply]
- I don't want to have to follow a link to find out that fourth grade means 9–10 year olds. Good luck with the copyediting, but I'll stress that those were only examples I gave. For instance: "The cheese factory is housed in a small, glass-walled facility that includes a retail shop and cafe to buy cheese dishes." So the purpose of the cafe is to buy cheese dishes? Or does this mean that the cafe sells cheese dishes? --Malleus Fatuorum (talk) 03:29, 6 October 2008 (UTC)[reply]
- Hi, would you mind looking again? I've gone through with a variety of copyedits since: here is the combined diff. Thanks for your help! rootology (C)(T) 04:32, 6 October 2008 (UTC)[reply]
- I don't want to have to follow a link to find out that fourth grade means 9–10 year olds. Good luck with the copyediting, but I'll stress that those were only examples I gave. For instance: "The cheese factory is housed in a small, glass-walled facility that includes a retail shop and cafe to buy cheese dishes." So the purpose of the cafe is to buy cheese dishes? Or does this mean that the cafe sells cheese dishes? --Malleus Fatuorum (talk) 03:29, 6 October 2008 (UTC)[reply]
Quick-fail—sorry, this nomination is premature and should be worked over by fresh eyes. Do you know how to find good word-nerd collaborators? Withdrawal and resubmission in a few weeks would be proper.
- "cheese making center"—something missing?
- "USA" not normally used nowadays. "US".
- "with a" ... "with a". And there's another "with" connector in the lead, too. Try to avoid. ("and operates a high-volume modern production facility, with multiple farms supplying milk" --> "and operates a modern high-volume production facility supplied by more than a dozen local farms"—I've guessed the type of information you could provide that will inject the precision a WP article needs).
- "a rare open storefront lease"—now where would the hyphen go?
- "Prior to"—why not plain Germanic "before"? Remove "doing".
- Possibly remove "various". I think there are two of them, too.
- "Beecher's has won numerous industry awards."—Twice, verbatim, in the one para. It's puffy, so be careful.
These are random examples from the opening two paras. Tony (talk) 05:31, 6 October 2008 (UTC)[reply]
- You're right. May I withdraw? rootology (C)(T) 05:35, 6 October 2008 (UTC)[reply]
- I've withdrawn; per WP:FAC/ar, please leave the {{fac}} template in place until the bot goes through. SandyGeorgia (Talk) 06:57, 6 October 2008 (UTC)[reply]
- The above discussion is preserved as an archive. Please do not modify it. No further edits should be made to this page.