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Latest comment: 6 months ago10 comments2 people in discussion
@Immanuelle I thought it would be better to comment here rather than in the AfC comments. I think it still needs a bit of work, I'm afraid. My main issue with the prose is that you've got a lot of standalone, single sentence paragraphs which make the article feel more like a list of bullet points than an actual article. What I'd suggest would be to check out the articles of other, more famous shrines or temples to get a feel for what sort of stuff they cover, and how they do so - for example, Kiyomizu-dera or Itsukushima Shrine. Turnagra (talk) 07:52, 11 November 2023 (UTC)Reply
@Turnagra sorry for tagging you a bit too soon but I organized it just a bit more in a way that I think made my initial intentions a bit clearer. Do you see it as an improvement? Immanuelle ❤️💚💙 (talk to the cutest Wikipedian) 07:59, 11 November 2023 (UTC)Reply
@Immanuelle it's definitely improving, but I think there is still a wee way to go yet. Turnagra (talk) 08:09, 11 November 2023 (UTC)Reply
@Turnagra I think I managed to figure out what you wanted. A bit of a harder writing style but it is a lot more pleasant to read now I think. Immanuelle ❤️💚💙 (talk to the cutest Wikipedian) 08:47, 11 November 2023 (UTC)Reply
@Immanuelle Sorry, your last ping was just after I'd logged off for the night. What you've got now is absolutely a massive improvement and it's looking a lot better, good job! I think the article could still do with some further explanation for people unfamiliar with the shrine and shintoism. For example:
What does it mean that Omonoimi no Kami ranks up?
What was the outcome of the legal dispute after WW2?
What is the Hi-awase shinji festival? You've got a bit about it but I'd love to know more.
Do the history of the sub-shrines differ from the history of the shrine as a whole? It could be good to get some expansion of their respective histories and anything interesting about them.
These aren't necessarily required for the article to be accepted but would be a huge help to the overall quality of the article. What it would need still is I think some more work on the copy and a solid proof - make sure things roughly make sense and flow nicely, and any typos are picked up. Turnagra (talk) 23:14, 11 November 2023 (UTC)Reply
@Turnagra I tried fixing some of it. I definitely managed to expand on the ranking up and the festival, but I'm not actually sure what the outcome of the legal dispute was. As for the local histories likewise research is a bit hard on it. I think I reached my limit on those two things and will need a Japanese speaking collaborator for more info on those two things. Anything else you think could be improved? Immanuelle ❤️💚💙 (talk to the cutest Wikipedian) 23:48, 11 November 2023 (UTC)Reply
Thanks, it's definitely shaping up well - I've made a few edits to the lede as well to try a bit more. My last thing at this stage is that I'm still a bit iffy about some of the sources, particularly what are now sources 5 and 6. What makes these reliable? Turnagra (talk) 01:18, 12 November 2023 (UTC)Reply
@Turnagra I believe the person who wrote 5 has an educational certification from the Association of Shinto Shrines but I will have to do a bit more digging to be 100% sure on that. I hope to get back to you tomorrow confident on it
As for 6 it is more questionable and I might want to get better sources for the claims.
