This article is an utterly wicked satire for the April Fool's Day on Wikipedia and not intended to puncture the male ego (much). Editors of every variety are encouraged to contribute with good humor, or to craft the female counterpart. :)
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This page contains material intended to be humorous; anyone offended is encouraged to write a counter-satyr with as fine a wit. Please don't be discouraged by the requirement for wittiness; we women appreciate your various handicaps and will be glad to help you without receiving any credit. |
Love (male)
Human males (sometimes called "men") use the word "love" as a mating call to attract women. Ornithological research has shown that male zebra finches try out hundreds of songs, watching to see which melodies interest the females in sex. Similarly, human males try out different versions of "I love you", watching to see which is the most efficient prequel to intimacy; in difficult cases, some men even resort to lyric poetry.
Some authorities hold that men are hormonally incapable of romantic love, seeing women only as animate objects that obligingly gratify their desires. In support of this view, even brave men have been observed to shy from close dancing, serious discussions, and marriage, not to mention giving women credit for their work. However, recent evidence suggests that some men are indeed capable of love.
Men are sometimes considered the Helen Kellers of humanity — deaf to friendly advice, blind to the bacteria growing in their bathrooms, and mute about their own shortcomings — but some women hold out hope for their redemption, if only because men occasionally write a good poem and know how to take a joke. Luckily for everyone, they are simple creatures with short memories, making them quick to forgive even the most brazen impudences of the weaker sex.
Meaning edit
Contrary to popular opinion, the phrase "I love you" does have a meaning, albeit a complex one, when spoken by men. When a man takes a woman in his arms, stares meaningfully into her eyes and says, "I love you", the primary meaning is "I've known you at least a few days, and I'm really interested." It would be unfair to say, however, that sexual receptivity is the phrase's only meaning; spoken less emphatically, it can also mean "Thank you for saving me from my own stupidity." and "There, I said it — satisfied?"
Types edit
Sexual edit
Men in love fall into three categories: leg men, breast men and, ummm, others. This accounts for the short skirts, deep decolletage ("hmm, maybe one more button?") and other sine qua non elements of male love. Men feign confusion when asked about sexual objectification, but frequently wonder why women are so superficial about their appearance.
True love edit
Some men are indeed capable of true love, a selfless love that values the woman for her inner beauty, talents and charm. Unfortunately, such men are overwhelmingly gay. A few straight men sincerely believe themselves to be capable of true love; every effective deception begins with self-deception.
Egocentric edit
The best way to win a good man's love is to ask him to talk about himself. The most taciturn man will babble endlessly when asked about his work, his favorite sports team or, God help us, special relativity and the nature of reality in quantum mechanics. This behaviour seems to be associated with childhood nostalgia for their mothers' unqualified interest in them. The surprisingly high frequency of male marriage seems to be correlated with the attraction of having a free lifelong audience that will applaud their opinions and daring office exploits. Regardless of its etiology, the wonderful gabbiness of men in love compensates somewhat for their attraction to stupidity and their resulting reluctance to educate women past the eighth grade; a woman can learn a lot from garrulous guys trying to impress her.
Strategies edit
The sometimes odd courtship behaviors of men appear to result from their peculiar mental model of love. Rather than regarding love as a sustained dialog between two independent human beings, men view women much as a mathematician views a proposition: a simple problem waiting to be solved, after which they can move on to other challenges. As in mathematics, the solution to the woman-problem is simplified by a well-chosen representation; thus, men feel no compunction about representing themselves in whatever way is most helpful to getting them "loved". This ability to ignore the ethical dimensions of their problem-solving highlights the superior male power for abstract reasoning. Men are annoyed when the woman-problem doesn't stay solved, however.
Men are simple creatures, but even they seem dimly conscious of the complexity of women and personal relationships. Rather than making the effort to learn better, however, they pretend to be oblivious and whine about the "unpredictability" of women.[1] However, men have evolved certain clever techniques for countering the fiendish inscrutability of women and reaching their high ambitions (and then falling asleep).
Staring edit
Most men usually begin their seduction of a woman with subtle, scarcely noticeable signals of the eyes — such as staring at her chest while talking to her. Usually this is followed by staring at the anatomy of other women. In extreme cases, gods such as Brahma will manifest additional heads for a full 360° vision of a woman's movements; lesser beings resort to stalking.
Witty, sensitive conversation edit
'Nuff said, huh?
Gifts edit
The next step of male courtship is gift-giving. A recent study has shown that some men may spend as much as 2 whole minutes picking out a gift for their beloved. An earlier estimate, commonly cited, was 57 milliseconds, the time required for a signal to pass from the optic nerve over the optic chiasm, through the medulla and down the spinal cord. This earlier estimate was based on the typical thoughtful gifts from men to their girlfriends: sexy underwear, scarves that don't match anything, skanky perfumes and jewelry that would look great on a twelve-year-old. Men do lavish more time considering some types of gifts for women, such as power tools, season tickets to sports teams and books they'd like to read.
Insults edit
The most mysterious element of male love is the frequency with which they insult women while trying to seduce them. This may be a throwback to playground behavior when they played pranks on girls to get their attention. Perhaps because they've heard that women appreciate a good sense of humor, most men favor insults that apply more to themselves than to women, such as
- "Women care only about money."
- "Women are sneaky and frequently unfaithful."
- "Women are self-centered and think only of themselves."
- "Women are superficial and care only about appearances."
- "Women are irrational and easily flattered into believing something false."
- "Women are overly sensitive to criticism; their egos need constant care and feeding."
- "Women are too eager to glorify themselves and forget other people's contributions."
- "Women are emotionally abusive and don't consider another's feelings; they use harsh words when they're angry."
The use of such insults in courtship is very old; for example, a systematic list is provided in the medieval manual for winning a woman's love, On love by Andreas Capellanus.
Exploiting insecurities edit
A related strategy is to prey upon the woman's insecurities. Men appear to be keenly conscious of a woman's weaknesses but, thanks to the generous wash of testosterone bathing their brains, men are immune to any conception of their own failings. The only male ever to grasp his own inadequacy was the compassionate god Avalokiteśvara, whose brain immediately exploded; luckily, he was reconstituted with a thousand arms and eyes, entirely appropriate for being a goddess.
Slouchiness edit
Some authorities believe that men consciously try to provoke a mothering instinct in women by living in squalor with a sovereign disdain for their personal appearance. However, more recent research indicates that men are physiologically incapable of seeing themselves, other people's feelings, the contributions of women and the slime molds growing on their shower curtains. Men are able to see such things only by opening their Third Eye through enormous effort of meditation; thankfully, since this will provoke the destruction of the world, men scrupulously avoid such efforts.
Taming shrews edit
Being one-dimensional creatures, men cannot imagine a world with dimensions other than winning and losing. Most men like to win and imagine that women like to lose; that's why they can't understand why a woman would be better than they are at anything.
Some men do like to be dominated by shrewish women. For some men, this has the charm of a novel amusement, being used to male domination and imagining that they could put down the female rebellion at will. In other cases, this surprising preference seems to result from nostalgia for their mothers' scoldings, which once signaled a fond interest in them. However, most men are congenitally deaf to anything a woman says; thus, they commonly regard a tart-tongued woman more as a challenging young horse to be mastered, a shrew whose taming will improve their reputation among their buddies.
Women are still waiting for men to master themselves, at least to the point of not sneaking looks at other women. Unfortunately, there is little hope for that; men don't seem to realize how ridiculously transparent they are. Those furtive glances at sexy women? That pretending to look off into the distance? You are so busted. Admittedly, the ploy of saying, "She only reminds me of how lucky I am to have you." is inspired.
Handling rejection edit
Men hate to be rejected, especially if they think the woman is beneath them — which seems paradoxical (and implausible) to most rational beings. Their initial reaction to rejection seems to be denial and disbelief, thinking that a woman of her low qualities should be grateful for whatever male attention she can glean. If the woman perseveres in rejection, men often go into checklist mode, in which they tick off their good qualities and reach a favorable conclusion: "Thus, you must love me; I exceed your appropriate threshold for love." After failing to win her with their systematic rendering of their virtues, some luckless Lotharios write emo poetry, whereas others confront their ex-beloveds; in both cases, the results range from undignified to downright scary.
When men reject women, they typically take a more straightforward approach — usually by sleeping with their girlfriend's roommate. Some men try to show more sensitivity by dumping their girlfriends after they've slept with a completely unknown woman. Paradoxically, men have a much higher probability of cheating once they are affianced to be married. Still other men simply disappear without a trace; inevitably, their final words are "I'll call you."
Hope for the future edit
Some researchers hold out hope that males will eventually grow up and become adult — apes. Although women of earlier generations might be blamed for having chosen poorly, there was no true alternative; luckily, thanks to modern biology, there's hope for a better future.
Redemption edit
Women don't glory in your failings, guys, although we enjoy talking about them; the truest friend never despairs but hopes. However we might wish you otherwise, we're keenly aware of our own shortcomings and promise not to challenge you beyond your powers. Both of us have walked this far — shall we go a little further together, arm-in-arm? You have many excellent qualities; you're ardent, generous and wonderfully forgetful of things that should be forgotten. We sincerely believe you capable of every honorable shade of love; after all, every worthy deception begins with self-deception.
References and footnotes edit
- ^ For their part, women remain astonished that the same man who can recite every airplane flown in World War II — or every elf in J. R. R. Tolkien's collected works — can nonetheless forget his mother's birthday or the names of his sister's children.