Wikipedia talk:Featured article candidates/Rwanda/archive1/Proposed lead
Latest comment: 12 years ago by Amakuru
Thoughts:
- "savanna in the east and numerous lakes" It is not entirely clear if these lakes are in the east or everywhere. If the latter, perhaps "savanna in the east, and numerous lakes throughout the country" would be better.
- "although human rights organisations allege suppression of the opposition." It may not be clear who "the opposition" is. This might be a good opportunity to introduce the other major political parties: "although human rights organisations allege suppression of opposing parties, such as the Grobble and the Grubble."
- Changed. The problem here is that the opposition groups HRW is referring to have been declared either illegal or are based amongst exile communities outside the country. The problem here is that the opposition groups HRW is referring to have been declared either illegal or are based amongst exile communities outside the country and as such, do not have a single group or party name. Whereas the official opposition parties, who stand in the elections, are regarded by HRW as satellite organisations to the RPF. I have therefore changed the text to "human rights organisations allege suppression of opposition groups". Still not great, but maybe an improvement. Let me know anyway. — Amakuru (talk) 12:09, 30 June 2011 (UTC)
- "Music and dance are an integral part of Rwandan culture. Drums were of great importance in the King's court, and the most famous traditional dance is the highly-choreographed Intore." I think it might make sense to consolidate these two sentences into one: "Music and dance are an integral part of Rwandan culture, particularly drums and the highly-choreographed Intore dance.
Otherwise, it looks good! --Cryptic C62 · Talk 16:16, 29 June 2011 (UTC)