Wikipedia:WikiProject Military history/Assessment/William George Malone

The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.

Article promoted Hawkeye7 (talk) 20:45, 20 June 2013 (UTC)[reply]

William George Malone edit

Nominator(s): Zawed (talk)

I am nominating this article for A-Class review because I believe it meets the criteria for A-class. I first read about the subject of this article at school when we were learning war literature, when the play Once on Chunuk Bair, in which Malone is a major character, was compulsory reading for students. He is the prototypical colonial soldier demonstrating that the amateur NZ officer was just as good, if not better, than the professional British officers occupying the senior commands in the New Zealand Expeditionary Force of WWI. Zawed (talk) 06:44, 3 June 2013 (UTC)[reply]

~~Comments~~

There is some inconsistency with spacing, several sentences have two spaces after the fullstop, several have one. Please make consistent.
"...The couple had five children, a daughter and four sons. Malone..." -- I know you're talking about the subject of the article in this last "Malone" reference, but you should make it explicitly clear, as the seven people mentioned in the preceding sentence all have that name.
I don't know that "military career" is the best term for the third header, since you state that his military career began in the first header.
You begin to use the term ANZAC before explicitly stating what it means.
Repetition: "He immediately set about improving the position, which overlooked the Turkish lines. As well as improving the position's defences,"
" His four oldest sons all served in the NZEF, and one, Maurice, won the Distinguished Conduct Medal during the Sinai and Palestine Campaign.[36] Another son, Edmond, won the Military Cross serving with the Wellington Regiment on the Western Front." -- Military types can be very sensitive about the term "won" regarding valor decorations. "was awarded" seems to be preferred.
Images appear to be properly lisenced. I see no apparent issues with referencing, article stability, or neutrality.

Will support pending a few improvements. —Ed!^(talk) 03:21, 4 June 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for the review Ed. I have made some tweaks in response to your feedback, let me know if they are not satisfactory. Cheers. Zawed (talk) 08:50, 4 June 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Support Great work! —Ed!^(talk) 13:28, 4 June 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Comments - but very close to a support. Support

"bush country" - worth linking for less confident English readers - The bush would work.
"a by-election for the Taranaki electorate in 1907" - the red-wikilink for 1907 felt like an easter-egg (I wouldn't have guessed what it would have linked to)
"of the three candidates, he came third" - would "of the three candidates, he came last" be sharper?
"In both cases..." - I had to check back on this as to what the two cases were. "In both 1907 and 1908..."?
"This reputedly extended to his sleeping on a military camp bed. " - I wasn't sure about the "extended" bit (it isn't exactly the harshest of training regimes!). Would "This reputedly included his sleeping..." read better?
"On 27 April, the battalion would be called upon " - "was called upon" would avoid the conditional
"which Malone considered had wasted the lives of his men. " - I always get this wrong, but isn't it "that Malone considered" here?
"With the Turkish trenches often only ten metres" - you'll need an imperial equivalent here.
"ordering construction of machine gun posts and loops to try and restore fire superiority" - worth linking "loops". There's probably a less military equivalent, civilian phrase to "fire superiority".
The formatting of the editions in the templates in the bibliography isn't consistent (some use the edition field, some include them in the title field). Hchc2009 (talk) 20:26, 13 June 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Many thanks for the review. I believe I have addressed all your concerns. Zawed (talk) 01:17, 15 June 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Comments - Dank (push to talk)

"before receiving further schooling at Marist boarding schools in both England and France.[1] As a result of his time in France, he became fluent in French.": before receiving further schooling at Marist boarding schools in both England and France,[1] and becoming fluent in French. WP:Checklist#because is relevant, I think.
"emigrated to": It's usually "immigrated to" or "emigrated from".
"his hard work had converted his land", "Malone worked hard to support his young family", "his business and other interests meant that time with his family was limited": I'm not sure how much of that needs to be in his article. Everyone works hard and wants to spend more time with family and friends.
"with who he would have three more children": Agreed that "whom" probably won't survive forever, but I never see ", with who ...". There are many options here.
"Mount Taranaki/Egmont": Probably better to pick one, per WP:SLASH.
"Malone considered Braund's actions had": Malone believed ...
"Wellington Battalion, which went ahead despite Malone pointing out to Johnston the lack of flanking support for such a charge": Wellington Battalion, although Malone pointed out to Johnston the lack of flanking support for such a charge
"Johnston, still in command of the brigade despite being clearly unfit to do so,": ... unfit for it
Support on prose per new standard disclaimer. - Dank (push to talk) 03:30, 16 June 2013 (UTC)[reply]
- Thanks Dank, I have made the suggested changes. Cheers. Zawed (talk) 06:27, 16 June 2013 (UTC)[reply]

The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.