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Wikipedia:WikiProject Military history/Assessment/Jesse L. Brown

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The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.

Promoted MisterBee1966 (talk) 16:29, 19 February 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Jesse L. Brown edit

Nominator(s): —Ed!(talk)


I am nominating this article for A-Class review. —Ed!(talk) 20:07, 1 January 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Support with comments:

  • An inspiring individual. Some minor comments below:
  • "The family lived in a house without central heating, indoor plumbing or running water so the family relied on a fireplace for warmth" - I think the having both the indoor plumbing and running water bits are redundant (if you don't have running water, I don't think indoor plumbing is really possible?). Similarly the central heating and using a fireplace for warmth. How about "The family lived in a house without running water relied on a fireplace for warmth."?
  • "US$600" - with this and other figures, I'd normally vote in favour of giving an equivalent USD sum.
    • It's in a USD Template. —Ed!(talk) 15:38, 2 January 2012 (UTC)[reply]
  • " rooming house" - I'm not sure I'm familiar with a rooming house, I suspect its a US term.
  • "There, his enlistment ended 15 April " - I could see that this referred to his previous enlistment, but I wasn't clear if he was still in the military with the midshipman rank?
  • "Brown was said to have broken the "color barrier." - was this said by the press (e.g. as an editorial) or by someone quoted in the press?
  • " though racism against him persisted" - "though some racism"? (qualifying it, given that it had reduced)
  • "and an experienced pilot " > "as an experience pilot"
  • " He was known to be well-liked" - several "known to"s here - could you just say "He was well-liked..."?
  • "he appeared to training fuel" - > "draining fuel" or "trailing fuel"?
  • "Lieutenant Charled Ward " - "Charles Ward"?
  • "As word of his death spread, Hudner was known to have inspired " - again, could just be "Hudner inspired..." Hchc2009 (talk) 10:38, 2 January 2012 (UTC)[reply]
    • Fixed. That's everything. Thanks for your review. —Ed!(talk) 15:38, 2 January 2012 (UTC)[reply]
  • Support Made some tweaks. Corrected a couple of typos.
    • I feel that this article, written in the typical upbeat American style, while explicitly mentioning segregation, falls short of giving the reader any understanding of how it worked. For example, the critical aspect of Brown's becoming an aviator was his selection of a white university. Had he gone to a black university, there would have been no V-12 program for him to have joined. The Holloway program operated at 52 colleges; but Ohio State was one of only 13 that admitted blacks. In fact, there were over 5,600 students in NROTC in 1947; but Brown was one of just 14 black students. Hawkeye7 (talk) 21:17, 10 February 2012 (UTC)[reply]
  • Support Comments/suggestions: an interesting article on an inspirational individual. I think it needs a bit of copyediting, but after that it should be up to standard. I have the following suggestions (apologies for the long list and of course happy to discuss anything you disagree with):
    • in the lead, "Born in Hattiesburg, Mississippi to an impoverished...". There should probably be a second comma after "Mississippi";
    • in the lead, "Brown, an Ensign, flew 20 combat missions..." Probably should be "Brown, an ensign, flew 20 combat missions..."
    • in the lead, this is a sentence fragment, "Brown, an Ensign, flew 20 combat missions until 4 December 1950, when during a mission supporting ground troops at the Battle of Chosin Reservoir."
    • "The family lived in a house without central heating or indoor plumbing so the family relied on a fireplace for warmth". This might sound smoother as: "The family lived in a house without central heating or indoor plumbing so they relied on a fireplace for warmth";
    • "John Brown then moved the family to Lux, Mississippi to be..." As per the earlier point, there should probably be a second comma after "Mississippi";
    • this could be reworded slightly: "The family was also a committed Baptist Christian family and Jesse..." For instance, "The family were also committed Baptist Christians and Jesse...";
    • "Brown, inspired by these aviators, had said he wanted to be a pilot from a very young age". Perhaps this might sound smoother as: "Brown, inspired by these aviators, developed a desire to pilot from a very young age.";
    • "because the schools closer to his family were lower-quality". Perhaps, "because the schools closer to his family were of lower-quality";
    • "Brown was an excellent student in this school, attaining high marks in his classes and was a member of the basketball, American football, and track and field teams". Perhaps try, "Brown was an excellent student in this school, attaining high marks in his classes and being selected a member of the basketball, American football, and track and field teams";
      • He wasn't selected for these teams, he volunteered to join them himself. —Ed!(talk) 11:24, 17 February 2012 (UTC)[reply]
    • "Brown graduated from this school as the salutatorian in 1944". I suggest removing "from this school", as it is a bit repetitive, having been used in a similar form in the previous sentence also;
    • There is a punctuation issue here: "Brown moved into an on-campus boarding house at 61 E. Eleventh Avenue in the primarily black neighborhood of Columbus' University District.[16] and majored..." (before the citation);
    • there is some repetition here: "In spite of this, he maintained top marks in his classes.[4] In spite of the difficulties with his...";
    • I'm not sure of the capitalisation here: "by the US Navy to commission Naval aviation pilots", probably should be a lower case "naval" IMO, but I open to being convinced otherwise;
    • "In spite of resistance from recruiters, Brown passed entrance exams." Perhaps try, "In spite of resistance from recruiters, Brown passed the entrance exams";
    • "in Glenview, Illinois for Naval Flight Officer training". Second comma;
    • "and Brown reverted to the rank of midshipman". This sounds like a demotion, but surely it was a promotion from seaman apprentice? Or am I misunderstanding something?
      • It's neither, really. Midshipman isn't a standard military rank, it's more of a title for people in training, similar to cadet.
    • "transferring to Ottumwa Naval Air Station in Ottumwa, Iowa". Second comma;
    • "Pensacola Naval Air Station in Pensacola, Florida". Second comma;
    • irregular capitalisation: "training for Carrier-based aircraft aboard". Probably should just be "carrier-based";
    • "moved to Jacksonville, Florida for his final..." Second comma;
    • "author Theodore Taylor later wrote Brown had broken the "color barrier" which had been longstanding for blacks in naval aviation". Might sound smoother with "that" before "Brown had broken";
    • irregular capitalisation: "taking place at Quonset point". Perhaps try: "taking place at Quonset Point";
    • irregular capitalisation: "Brown was commissioned as an Ensign in the..." Probably should be lower case "ensign";
    • there is a mixture of date formats, e.g. "25 June 1950", but also "August 8" and "October 8";
    • "carrier arrived in the area and the Leyte ordered to Korea", probably should be "carrier arrived in the area and the Leyte was ordered to Korea";
    • "and so needed in the theatre". "Theatre" is British English, it should probably be "theater" as the rest of the article uses US English variation;
    • is this a typo: "The ship sailed from the Strait of Gibraltar across the Atlantic Ocean and to Quinoset, them through..."? Specifically "them through";
    • seems at odds with the earlier statement: "The Leyte was eventually ordered to Korea, arriving in October 1950". The previous paragraph you've already said that the ship was ordered to Korea;
    • "Task Force 77" is probably overlinked, as is US Seventh Fleet at its variations;
    • "Brown and other pilots on the Leyte were flying dozens of close air support missions..." Perhaps try, "Brown and other pilots on the Leyte flew dozens of close air support missions";
    • "wintery weather to the vicinity of villages Yudam-ni and Hagaru-ri". Perhaps try, "wintery weather to the vicinity of the villages of Yudam-ni and Hagaru-ri";
    • "before intentionally crash landing his vehicle to..." Perhaps replace "vehicle" with "aircraft";
    • "engine fire with a fire extinguisher and tried in vain to free Brown...". There is some repetition of "in vain" in this paragraph, perhaps replace it here with "unsuccessfully" or something similar;
    • "likely thanks to heavy air presence of Brown". "Thanks" sounds a little informal, perhaps change to "due";
    • "The pilots observed his body looked to have been disturbed and his clothes stolen, but still stuck in the aircraft". Perhaps tweak to: "The pilots observed that his body looked to have been disturbed and his clothes stolen, but was still stuck in the aircraft";
    • "As word of his death spread, Hudner inspired numerous other African Americans to become pilots". Was it Hudner that inspired them, or Brown?
    • I'm not sure of the capitalisation here: "the first US Ship named in honor". I think it should be "the first US ship named in honor..." but I'm not 100 percent sure in this case;
    • "Present at the commissioning ceremony in Boston, Massachusetts". Second comma;
    • "author Theodore Taylor, who had also served in Korea at the time of Brown's death, which he said moved him greatly". Perhaps try, "author Theodore Taylor, who had served in Korea, and who later said was deeply moved by the news of Brown's death at the time...";
    • in the Notes, "In 2000 this award was made retroactive to all US military who served in the Korean War". I think this should be "...to all US military personnel...". AustralianRupert (talk) 06:19, 11 February 2012 (UTC)[reply]
      • Made all the fixes. Thanks for your review. —Ed!(talk) 11:24, 17 February 2012 (UTC)[reply]
The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page, such as the current discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.
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