Wikipedia:Peer review/Toby Philpott/archive1

Toby Philpott edit

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A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for February 2009.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I'm looking to nominate it for FAC, so please feel free to be thorough!

Thanks, Hunter Kahn (talk) 03:04, 19 February 2009 (UTC)[reply]

One problem with the article, especially if you are thinking of FAC, is the amount of information sourced to interviews with Toby Philpott. Interviews are considered primary sources and therefore can be used to reference only very limited material, such as limited biographical information. They cannot source objective assessments of this artist's work, nor provide a critical assessment of his contributions, impact, or legacy. Please see Verifiability and Reliable sources for an explanation of primary, secondary and tertiary sources. Reliable secondary sources are necessary for most reference sourcing in an article. Regards, —Mattisse (Talk) 21:17, 20 February 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from ChrisTheDude (talk · contribs)

Subject is British so dates should be in UK format eg 14 February 1946 as opposed to February 14, 1946
In the second paragraph of "early life" you have three consecutive sentences which start "In the 1960s Philpott..."/"Philpott...."/"Philpott..." - vary the language a bit more
I don't believe a fairground "octopus ride" involves an actual octopus, so the link is misleading
In the second paragraph of "discovering the performing arts" you again have three consecutive sentences starting with "Philpott" - mix it up a bit more
"Traveling" => "travelling"
Don't think "Medieval festivals" needs a capital M
Quest for Fire should be in italics
"The The Dark Crystal" - stray "the"
"groundbreaking animatronics" - says who?
"former-post office" - no need for hyphen
"the puppet designs alone gave the creatures a great deal of characters" - I think "character" should be singular here
"wired up and raring to go." => full stop should be after the quotation marks, not before
"snarl Jabba's Mouth." - no need for capital on mouth. Also snarl is not a transitive verb, so the usage would need to be something like "make Jabba's mouth snarl"
"A monitor inside the puppet shows " => showed (past tense)
Ref 8 should go after comma
"other cast and crew members did know " => "did not know"
"funny as he appeared;" => semi-colon should be outside quotation marks
"alums" in photo caption is very slangy
"living atop of a mountain" - is this an American usage? It sounds very odd to me.....
"In November [2007," - stray bracket
"seemless" => seamless

Hope this helps -- ChrisTheDude (talk) 10:47, 27 February 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from Ealdgyth (talk · contribs)

You said you wanted to know what to work on before taking to FAC, so I looked at the sourcing and referencing with that in mind. I reviewed the article's sources as I would at FAC.
A lot of information is sourced to his own page, which is a bad idea generally. You want third party sources.
What makes the following reliable sources?

Hope this helps. Please note that I don't watchlist Peer Reviews I've done. If you have a question about something, you'll have to drop a note on my talk page to get my attention. (My watchlist is already WAY too long, adding peer reviews would make things much worse.) 01:46, 1 March 2009 (UTC)