The New Girl in Town edit
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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I would like it to be a GA article
Thanks, AJona1992 (talk) 02:20, 4 June 2011 (UTC)
- Comments by Bradley0110
The primary issue with this article is the prose; there are many redundancies in the text and many instances in which it could be smoothed out.
- Lead
- "Before signing a record deal with Cara Records, Abraham Quintanilla Jr and Brian "Red" Moore released four promotional recordings that Selena recorded initially for her debut album." Who are Quintanilla and Moore? Why is "initially" needed in this sentence?
- Please ensure contractions are not used in the text. I see "couldn't"s and "wouldn't"s.
- "Her performance helped her become a music guest in future episodes, as she grew with the show." What does "she grew with the show" mean? Did she gain popularity because of her appearances?
- Production and development
- "Prior to signing a record deal with Cara Records[...]" "Before" would be better than "Prior to".
- Quintanilla and Moore's first name should appear here as the body of the article is considered a fresh start after the lead. Again you need to say who they are.
- English language does not need linking.
- Freddie Records should not be italicised.
- Ah! The article tells me who Quintanilla is at last. In the middle of the first section on his second mention, for some reason.
- "Selena's father and manager, Abraham Quintanilla Jr, believed otherwise, and was underpaid by venues who booked Selena to perform." It took me a while to understand this. Are you saying he was underpaid by the venues because he believed Selena would bring in large crowds? Maybe "Quintanilla believed that she would, though was underpaid by venues who booked Selena."?
- "After the release of their debut album in 1984, Abraham[...]". I see from his article that he was commonly referred to as Abraham. This article uses both "Abraham" and "Quintanilla". You should choose just one for consistency.
- "The album was scheduled to be released in 1985; however, the album was never finalized by Cara Records, because of copyright control." You don't need to use a semi-colon and "however". I suggest "Cara Records were scheduled to release the album in 1985 but, due to copyright control, it was never finalized." Is there any further information about the copyright problems that could be included here?
- ""The New Girl in Town" was later released as a cassette,". The album title to be in italics.
- "In 1995, Selena's father bought the rights to the album from EMI Records". Can you not just say "Abraham"/"Quintanilla"?
- Composition
- There is only one sub-section in this section. Why not just remove the "Musical style and lyrics" heading?
- "The album had mostly Jazz influences and Chicano rock songs that were all recorded in Spanish." The influences need citing.
- When referring to the producers of the tracks, you say "while" (e.g. "[...] was written by Abraham Quintanilla Jr, while it was produced by José Ramón Florez, Bob Grever, Miguel Blasco and Steven Alvarez."). This should be "and".
- This section is sparse on citations. Are there any other sources you could tap besides Richmond? Some interpretations of the lyrics and the style of the music are uncited (e.g. the "Se Me Hace" section). This needs fixing if you want this article to pass GAN.
- This section also needs a good copyedit, as the prose is extremely formulaic and repetitive ("The song was written by [so-and-so] and produced by [so-and-so]. The lyrics describe [something]. It is a [whatever style of music] song.").
- Release and Promotion
- The "p" in Promotion should be lower-case.
- ""The New Girl in Town" was initially going to be released as the second LP record for Selena y Los Dinos in 1985, however, due to copyright control, the album was released temporarily on a compact cassette in South Texas." This sentence needs breaking up. I'd put a full stop after 1985. Again, is there any further information about the copyright control?
- "The album was pulled off shelves within two months of its release, whereas lead vocalist Selena, promoted the album during her tour in Texas." This is unclear. Does this mean Selena continued to promote the album after it was pulled?
- "Her performance, helped her become a music guest in future episodes, as she grew with the show." As with the lead "she grew with the show" needs clarifying, and the comma after "performance" should be removed.
- Release history
- I don't see much point to having a table with just one release date; you've already mentioned the limited release in 1985 in above sections, and the date is in the infobox too.
- References
- Billboard was not published by Prometheus Global Media in 1985, so you need to correct this (check the editorial column in the source).
- Reference 7 needs a space after p.
- Can you find a better source for Reference 10 than an mp3 dowload on Amazon?
- Further reading
- Patoski and Richmond should be in the references section. All three of these books need the year of publication after the author name.
I see from your talk page that you are away on holiday for the next month or too. Hopefully when you get back you will be refreshed and will be able to work your way through these issues and get the article listed at GA. Bradley0110 (talk) 11:35, 22 June 2011 (UTC)
Comments by Michael Jester Thanks for you work on this interesting article. It had a bit of work though before it will pass a GA. Some comments:
- Use example FA album articles such as Dookie, Surfer Rosa, and Maya (M.I.A. album). I just picked three; the whole list is located at [1]
- Why do you have "(U.S.)" in the infobox after the release date if the article states it was only released in the US?
- Lead:
- There should not be quotations around the album.
- It was very unorganized. You start talking about Cara Records, then instantly talk about her departure from Freddie Records.
- Maybe add a background section?
- Add a "Critical reception" section.
- Either take away the "Composition" section, or take away "Musical style and lyrics".
- There is a lot of red links in the Personnel section. Unless they are important, un-wikilink or change the link. Example: link back-up guitarist to just guitarist.
- For the references. Make a section called "Footnotes" where you're now references should go and have the "references" section contain what has your "Further reading" section.
- In your references section, spaces should be after the period. Example: "Patoski p.348" should be "Patoski p. 348"
- In your references section, be consistent on your dates. One ref you have the day first, then the month. On the other ref you the month first, then the date. Pick a way and stick with it.
- For your "Further reading" section, they are formatted wrong. The author's last name should be first, then last name. Also, try to add more fields, if possible.
- Others
- I see many contractions that should be expanded.
- Just say "Cara" instead of "Cara Records" after the first time.
- Maybe you should link her debut album in the lead
- Why is it in the category "Unreleased album" if the article says it was released December 26, 1985?
I don't watch peer review pages, so if you have any questions, feel free to contact me on my talk page.
