Wikipedia:Peer review/The Greencards/archive1

The Greencards edit

A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for June 2008.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because... I'd like to get this to FA status. It was previously at FAC at Wikipedia:Featured article candidates/The Greencards/archive1 but by the end I was short on time to go through all of the suggestions and requests, so I let it run out to bring it back for more work, and Peer Review. Any input that could be helpful to get it to FA would be wonderful!

Thanks, rootology (T) 18:15, 28 June 2008 (UTC) Ruhrfisch comments: Very briefly, here are some suggestions for improvement. If you want more comments, please ask here.[reply]

I would treat the FAC as a very detailed and thorough peer review. Go through it carefully and make sure that every point has been addressed. Look at issues raised as examples and check for other possible problems and fix those. Once you think all of the issues have been addressed, go back to the editors and ask if they would mind looking at the article again before the next FAC. Fix any additional issues they raise before FAC.
Article generally looks good, but make sure to provide context for the reader who does not know much about them. For example there are four people in the lead image, but the article lead says there are three members. A caption that identified the people pictured would be helpful (from the lead I am also not sure if Kym or Carol is the woman member)
Article could still benefit from a copyedit, for example Early on, Young was a singer in Outback country bands and acts, including Gina Jeffreys.[3][4] "a singer in ... Gina Jeffreys" just sounds odd. Perhaps this could be something like Early on, Young was a singer in Outback country acts, including Gina Jeffreys' band.[3][4] or in Before the band formed, Carol Young and Kym Warner both knew each other, and according to Warner had been drawn to bluegrass and American roots music through an appreciation of George Jones and Merle Haggard.[7] Later, Young and Warner were living together in Sydney, ... the use of "Before the band formed" followed by "Later" makes it sound like they lived together in Sydney after the band formed, but the lead says they formed it in Austin. You get the idea. WP:PRV is one place to find people willing to copyedit.
Watch out for peacock language like "outrageous" in According to McLoughlin, the idea of an American bluegrass band composed of two Australians and an Englishman is not outrageous: Also the quote after it should use blockquote and not cquote per the MOS.

Hope this helps. If my comments are useful, please consider peer reviewing an article, especially one at Wikipedia:Peer review/backlog (which is how I found this article). Yours, Ruhrfisch _><>°^° 01:11, 3 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you for the feedback. I've gone over each of the points so far from the FAC and will go back to all the people who helped on it directly after covering your points, and before going back to FAC. I hadn't thought of that... for the word "outrageous", that was the descriptive term for the whole dichotomy of foreigners playing such an American music style, right in the source:"

"Since bluegrass is such an American music style, the thought of two Aussies and a Londoner playing it might seem outrageous."

Should I still try to avoid using it like that? rootology (T) 03:59, 4 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]

If it is a direct quote that is fine, but you might want to make it clearer that it is a direct quote. Sorry for the confusion, Ruhrfisch _><>°^° 03:06, 6 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Laser brain comment

I had commented on the organizational headings at the archived FAC and it looks much improved now. --Laser brain (talk) 16:50, 14 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]