Wikipedia:Peer review/Singin' and Swingin' and Gettin' Merry Like Christmas/archive1

Singin' and Swingin' and Gettin' Merry Like Christmas edit

Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch • Watch peer review

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I believe this article, about Maya Angelou's third autobiography, has the potential to become a featured article. Eventually, I'd like to see a MA featured topic, so the improvement of this article will contribute to the completion of that goal.

Thanks, --Christine (talk) 06:58, 31 January 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Finetooth comments: This is interesting but needs more work before heading to FAC. The article needs more background for readers who know nothing about Maya Angelou or the earlier two books, and it needs less repetition of its core ideas. Here is one set of examples of the kind of repetition that I'm alluding to:

Thanks for the review. Sorry I haven't been able to get to this before; life has been crazy busy. I'll focus my limited free time on this now. Regarding the background issue: I wonder if this can be dealt with by the creation of a new section one called (d'oh!) "Background", that briefly discusses Angelou's bio and past success with the first two autobiographies. What do you think? I'll play around in a sandbox and see what I can come up with. --Christine (talk) 05:41, 10 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

"Title section": "depicts the conflict Angelou feels about being separated from her son"

Deleted the words "being separated from". Hopefully, that takes care of this instance. --Christine (talk) 05:49, 10 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

"Plot summary": "she is racked with guilt and regret about leaving her son with her mother"

More deletions, so that the phrase now reads: "she is racked with guilt and regret about her son" --Christine (talk) 05:51, 10 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

"Repetition": "haunts Angelou is how she, like her mother before her, left her child for long periods of time"

I'm keeping this phrase in, since it's no longer repetitious now that I've changed the other instances and it's an important point.

"Motherhood": "Angelou feels a deep sense of guilt and regret when she leaves her son in the care of her mother".

Phrase now reads: "Angelou feels a deep sense of guilt and regret when she leaves her son to tour with Porgy and Bess" --Christine (talk) 05:55, 10 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Here are a few other suggestions:

The images need alt text, meant for readers who can't see the images. WP:ALT has details, and you can see recent examples of alt text discussions at WP:FAC.

Done. I don't know what I think about the lack of images in this article, but I haven't been able to be creative enough to come up with any solutions. One of the reasons I brought this article to pr is to get some help with this. --Christine (talk) 06:12, 10 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Lead

Part of the lead, the first paragraph especially, serves as an introduction rather than a summary of the main text sections. Generally, nothing important should appear in the lead if it is not mentioned in the main text. One solution would be to add a "Background" section right after the lead and before the "Plot summary". It could include important details that appear in the lead but not elsewhere, and it could bring readers up to speed on details (such as Angelou's birth place and full name) from the first two autobiographies. I say a bit more about this in some comments below.

Ah, I should've read further before making my previous comments, but it appears that we're of the same mind about this. I agree with this, of course. One glaring example of a statement in the lead that's not in the rest of the article is Lupton's assertion that this book marked the first time an African American autobiographer expanded her story into multiple volumes. I agree that this could be addressed with a "Background" section, as well as give more detail about Angelou and her previous books and other writings. --Christine (talk) 06:17, 10 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

"The publication of this volume in 1976 marks the first time a well-known African American woman writer had expanded her life story into a third autobiography." - Should the first verb be "marked" rather than "marks"?

Yes, and the correction's been made. I have tense problems all throughout this article, don't I? --Christine (talk) 06:22, 10 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

"The autobiography, which includes a wide geographical range, covers five years of Angelou's twenties... " - The "five years" may not be necessary here since the range (1949–1955) already makes this clear in the second sentence.

By golly, you're right! The phrase now reads: The autobiography, which includes a wide geographical range, covers most of Angelou's twenties... --Christine (talk) 06:26, 10 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

"Angelou depicts the conflict she felt as a single mother, in spite of her success as a performer as she travels Europe with the musical Porgy and Bess." - Tighten by changing "in spite of" to "despite"?

Yes, thanks. Done. --Christine (talk) 06:29, 10 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

"Angelou changes her name in the pages of this autobiography, and so does her young son Guy;" - At this point in the article, it's not clear what this sentence means. It could mean that she uses a pseudonym, or it could mean that she writes about the time she changed her name from X to Y.

Good point. Sentence has been clarified to now read: She changes her name from Marguerite Johnson to Maya Angelou in the pages of this autobiography; her young son changes his name as well, from Clyde to Guy, and their relationship is strengthened as the book ends. --Christine (talk) 06:33, 10 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Title

"According to Angelou, she derived the book's title from the rent parties of Harlem in the 1920s and 1930s" - Because Harlem is the first specific place mentioned in the article, a reader who knows nothing about Angelou will assume she is from New York and is (oddly) offered a job as a salesgirl in San Francisco. I think it should be made clear early on where she is from and how she got to San Francisco. It might be necessary to briefly recount the plots of the first two books to bring readers up to speed. You can't assume that they will have read anything else about Angelou. Even though this article is part of a set, it has to stand on its own.

Plot summary

"she gets a job dancing at The Purple Onion," - Someone who knew nothing about Angelou would assume from this that she was a dancer rather than a dancer and a singer. When she's offered a part in Porgy and Bess, we are left to assume that she danced rather than sang. It would be good to make clear what role she played in Porgy and Bess and in what capacity she was offered a job opposite Pearl Bailey.
"The job allowed her to move back into her mother's house and to spend more time with her son." - "Allows" rather than "allowed"?
""My life began to resemble a Good Housekeeping advertisement". - The Manual of Style advises against linking thing inside direct quotations because the link is not part of the original quote. I'd suggest unlinking Good Housekeeping but adding italics since it is a journal.
"After Tosh tells Clyde there is no God," - "Clyde" needs to be explained on first use. I assume that this is her son's name.
"announces her desire to return to her grandmother in Stamps," - Ditto for "Stamps" the first time it is mentioned. Where is it? Could we be filled in on this background data early in the article?
"but Tosh tells her that Annie has died the day after her operation." - Would it be more clear to say "the day after Maya's operation"?
"She changed her name to the "more exotic"" - "Changes" rather than "changed"?
changed her name to the "more exotic" "Maya Angelou" - I assume that she was using Maya Angelos before this, but it would be good to make this explicit. Also, I think it would be helpful to be told here, if not earlier, that her original last name was Johnson.
At the close of the book, mother and son express pride in each other, he in her skill as a singer and as she writes: "He was partially right. Although I was not a great singer I was his mother, and he was my wonderful, dependently independent son". - Awkward construction. Suggestion: "At the close of the book, mother and son express pride in each other. Of his praise for her singing, she writes: "Although I was not a great singer I was his mother, and he was my wonderful, dependently independent son".

Travel

As McPherson further states, "Marguerite Annie Johnson of Stamps, Arkansas, and Rite, Sugar, and Rita—fall away as she comfortably inhabits her new name, Maya Angelou". - What do "Rite, Sugar, and Rita" refer to? Are they other places Angelou lived in before moving to California?

Music

"Angelou's association with the musical takes up almost 40% of the text." - This is, I think, the fourth repetition of this claim, which is probably too many

Notes

The page ranges take en dashes rather than em dashes.

Captions

"James Weldon Johnson's poetry influences Angelou's writing in Singin' and Swingin'." - "Influenced" rather than "influences?

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog at WP:PR. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 04:07, 8 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]