Wikipedia:Peer review/Rhodesian mission in Lisbon/archive1

Lisbon Appointment

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've spent the last month or so writing this article in my userspace, and now I'm bringing it here as a precursor to ultimately taking it to FAC. It's a prose-heavy diplomatic piece on the rather controversial subject of Rhodesia, with a little bit of Perfidious Albion and the Portuguese Estado Novo thrown in, but I think I have managed to remain neutral. Any input is welcome, but comments I would find particularly useful would pertain to perceived bias. I am fairly confident in the prose, but commentary on this would always be helpful. In any case, if you choose to have a look, I hope you find this interesting. Please review this as if it were at FAC. Thanks and all the best, —Cliftonian (talk) 00:48, 1 August 2012 (UTC)

Comments. A few suggestions:

• "propelled it towards Portugal, which, through its overseas territories in Angola and Mozambique, was a neighbour.": propelled it to reach out to Portugal, which governed Angola and Mozambique, two territories west of Rhodesia.

• Mozambique's to the east, but I've implemented your suggestion while adapting it appropriately ("... governed Angola and Mozambique, territories respectively west and east of Rhodesia"). —Cliftonian (talk) 16:13, 15 August 2012 (UTC)
  • Oops. - Dank (push to talk) 16:28, 15 August 2012 (UTC)

• "Pretoria, South Africa": Pretoria, South Africa,

• Okay. —Cliftonian (talk) 16:13, 15 August 2012 (UTC)

• "directly-administrated": no hyphen per WP:HYPHEN. That back-formation from administration is more common in BritEng than AmEng; would "administered" work for you?

• I think administered actually sounds better, okay. —Cliftonian (talk) 16:13, 15 August 2012 (UTC)

• "intended to cater for previously unqualified black voters": I'm not sure. Maybe: intended to enfranchise previously disqualified black voters.

• Okay. —Cliftonian (talk) 16:13, 15 August 2012 (UTC)

• I made two tweaks, otherwise great. - Dank (push to talk) 16:28, 15 August 2012 (UTC)
• Okay, I got down a little farther than Lisbon_Appointment#Federal dissolution; Salisbury pushes for independence. Everything looks good so far. - Dank (push to talk) 19:27, 15 August 2012 (UTC)

Note for all: I am being called up by the army early tomorrow morning (26 August), so I will not be able to see any further comments for a while. Please bear this in mind if you leave comments for me in this peer review. Thanks, —Cliftonian (talk) 00:17, 25 August 2012 (UTC)