Wikipedia:Peer review/Raymore Drive/archive1

Raymore Drive

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I'm interested in suggestions on how to improve the article in general. Namely, pointers on prose and organisation would be nice. I did a copyedit before requesting but there must be some more glitches that I missed. Somewhat related to the copyediting, comments on the general flow of the article (ie are there instances where the reader is left to wonder what's going on) would very appreciated. I decided not to use the general article format for a road because it's better suited for a highway then a residential street. Finally, while isn't obviously short, it's not very long, and I'm more than open to ideas on parts that could be missing or should be researched further. Comments outside these specific requests are more than appreciated, too.

Thanks, Maxim_(talk) 02:55, 30 August 2009 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: This is most interesting and generally clear. I had a bit of trouble with the locations and directions, as I mention below. A map could be really helpful. Here are some suggestions for improvement.

Lead

• "Raymore Drive is a mostly residential street near Weston, Toronto, Ontario." - I'd add the country too, and to avoid "link bump", I'd suggest recasting as "Raymore Drive is a mostly residential street in the Weston neighborhood of Toronto in the Canadian province of Ontario.
• Wikilink footbridge?
• Wikilink abutment?
• "The flood washed away 39% of the street... " - Generally, 39 percent is preferred to 39% in simple case like this one and others in the article. Use an nbsp to keep 39 and percent together on line-break. Please see WP:NBSP if that doesn't make sense.

• Fixed. Maxim_(talk) 14:33, 7 September 2009 (UTC)

Early history

• "Raymore Drive and Raymore Park are located on area which was owned... " - "land owned" rather than "area which was owned"?
• It would be helpful to include a map showing the locations of the Humber River, the proposed canal, the Trent Canal and other relevant features.
• "Before the street curved along with the Humber, only the south side of Raymore Drive had houses... " - This is unclear. It might be helpful to use the "left bank", "right bank" conventions for rivers to make clear where the houses were. To do that, you need to specify the river's direction of flow through the neighborhood. By convention, "left bank" means the bank on the left when facing downstream.

• First point fixed. I haven't found anything showing how the canal would have gone, and I've added a bit more context. The last point can't really be fixed with a left/right bank conventions, but I've tried to clarify. I've also added a map of the street before the hurricane. Maxim_(talk) 14:33, 7 September 2009 (UTC)

Hurricane Hazel

• The two sets of images create a text sandwich. If possible, it would be better to stack or re-locate the images to prevent this.
• "made landfall near the Carolinas' border... " - I would add "in the United States" for readers who do not know what "Carolinas" refers to.
• "Wikilink Pennsylvania?
• "the region had received particularly above-average rainfall... " - Delete "particularly" or give specifics?
• "and as much as 90% of up to 200 mm (7.9 in) of rainfall went directly into the waterways" - "percent" rather than %. Also, it would be good to make clear that this was additional rainfall from the hurricane.
• "a long-time resident believed that the water would not rise as high to endanger lives" - Suggestion: "would not rise high enough".
• "which led others to stay, in spite of warnings to the contrary from the" - Tighten to "despite" instead of "in spite of"?
• "In one case, a long-time resident believed that the water would not rise as high to endanger lives, which led others to stay, in spite of warnings to the contrary from the many other residents,[5] some who later waded through cold nose-deep waters to alert and rescue neighbours.[6]" - Too complex. I'd suggest the last part into a separate sentence: "Some later waded... ".
• "The bridge was eventually seized by the Humber's waters and became akin to a battering ram, which caused even destruction to properties." - Active voice is often better than passive. Suggestion: "The Humber's waters eventually seized the bridge, which became akin to a battering ram and caused property damage."
• "Entire homes were swept away by the water, later aided in part by the severed bridge." - Active voice would be more dramatic. Suggestion: "Aided by the severed bridge, the water swept entire homes away."
• "As a result of the massive flood, 366 m (1,200 ft)—39% of the 922-metre long road, as well as 14 homes, many with their occupants inside, were simply swept away by the Humber." - Suggestion: "The massive flood destroyed 366 metres (1,201 ft), roughly 40 percent, of the road as well as 14 homes, many with their occupants inside."
• "Owing the powerful torrent gushing down the Humber, many victims' bodies were never recovered." - Tighten to "Many victims' bodies were never recovered"?
• "The Army was called in... " - Wikilink Army?
• "Of the 81 Canadian casualties as a result of Hurricane Hazel, 35 alone lived on Raymore Drive." - I'd move this orphan paragraph up to merge with the bigger paragraph above it.

All fixed. I replaced the fair use image with a map based on the photograph. Maxim_(talk) 14:33, 7 September 2009 (UTC)

Present day

• Rather than using words like "now" or "present day", it's usually better to tie the time down in some way. "Present day" means one thing today and something else 10 years from today. "After Hazel" might solve the problem in this case.
• "and a footing to this day remains in the park... " - Maybe "abutment" would be better since that is the word you used earlier. Or is the footing not the same as the abutment?
• "The park has an area of 29.2 acres... " - Needs a conversion to metric: 29.2 acres (11.8 ha), or you can flip these if you want to put metric first.

All fixed. I also added a present-day map of the area. Maxim_(talk) 14:33, 7 September 2009 (UTC)

Notes

• Citation 4 uses a slightly different title than the equivalent in the Reference section, and it links to a general page rather than the specific one that might support the claim.
• Ditto for Citation 9.
• You might check the other citations to make sure they go to the intended target page with information that supports the companion claim.
• Citation 13 sounds like original research.

• Environment Canada changed its site layout recently, and I was fixing the links recently but I missed a few. For Citation 13, the claim is easily verifiable by looking at the images, as it's obvious both chunks of cement are the abutments. It skirts the letter of WP:OR, but I think it falls within the spirit of the calculations section. Maxim_(talk) 14:33, 7 September 2009 (UTC)

Other

• The images lack alt text. Please see WP:ALT for details. These are not necessarily easy to do but make the encyclopedia more accessible to readers with zero or limited vision.
• Hurricane Hazel has a track map and other illustrations that might be useful here if the article gets long enough to accommodate them. Just a thought.

• There are so many images for this subject, so I previously created a gallery at Commons. Maxim_(talk) 14:33, 7 September 2009 (UTC)

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 21:17, 5 September 2009 (UTC)

Thanks so much for such a comprehensive review. I've realised that OpenStreetMaps are CC-BY-SA, so are free to use at WP, and I'm editing a screenshot to illustrate the article. This may take some time. Maxim_(talk) 19:39, 6 September 2009 (UTC) Replied/done. Thanks so much again for the review. 14:33, 7 September 2009 (UTC)

Further Finetooth comments: The maps are a great improvement. Everything is much more clear.

Early history

• "proposed to build a canal between Lake Ontario and Georgian Bay" - It would be helpful to say "Georgian Bay on Lake Huron" for readers unfamiliar with this part of the world.
• "instead the Trent Canal, which links to Lake Ontario at Trenton, roughly 150 km (93 mi) to the northeast, was built to serve the purpose" - I think it would be helpful to mention the other end, Severn, and to say that it's also on Lake Huron. This and the addition of the location of Georgian Bay would make it more clear what the canal(s) were for.

Maps

• The maps make the situation much more clear.
• Captions would be a good idea for all three maps.
  • I use Simple skin and I hadn't immediately added the |thumb to show the captions because it won't center the image in that skin. I've filled bugzilla:20533 to try and get it fixed. AFAIK, it's good in IE (something that only works in IE... that's strange) and in other skins, but mostly importantly, Monobook, which is the default. Maxim_(talk) 22:04, 7 September 2009 (UTC)
• Thanks for mentioning OpenStreetMaps. I was not aware that these existed.

Hurricane Hazel

• "and made landfall near the Carolinas' border" - "and made landfall near the Carolinas' border in the United States"?
• "The rise of the river was unprecedented and the residents did not evacuate, which led to the high death toll." - Since some residents evacuated, perhaps this would be better: "The rise of the river was unprecedented and some residents did not evacuate, which led to the high death toll."

After Hazel

• The caption says, "A new footbridge was built in 1995 to span the Humber, between Lions and Raymore Park." - What is Lions? It should probably be briefly explained with something like "the Toronto neighbourhood opposite Raymond Drive". I'm just guessing at what Lions means; I don't actually know. Finetooth (talk) 17:13, 7 September 2009 (UTC)

All fixed. Just a note WRT the last caption, Lions is a park too (Lions Park), so I put "Lions and Raymore Parks". Hope that's clearer. Thanks again so much for the excellent review. Maxim_(talk) 20:10, 8 September 2009 (UTC)