Wikipedia:Peer review/Pilot (30 Rock)/archive2

Pilot (30 Rock) edit

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A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for August 2008.

This peer review discussion has been closed.

I've listed this article for peer review because the article is already listed as a Good Article and has gone through a failed FAC, but since then I have tried to expand the article further and I have improved the lead. In the peer review I would like comments regarding how I could get this article to meet the Featured Article Criteria.

Thanks, Jɑɱǐε Jcɑ 22:57, 8 August 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from Yllosubmarine (talk · contribs)

I'm actually a big fan of 30 Rock, but my experience with editing TV-related articles is fairly nonexistent. So consider this review from the standpoint of an outsider. :) As requested, I've reviewed this article as I would for FAC.

Because the episode doesn't have an exact title, I suggest beginning the article with a different lead-in. How about something along the lines of, "The pilot episode of the American situation comedy 30 Rock was..." Done
I believe the lead is a little too substantial for an article of this length. I would say it should be three paragraphs, tops. Also, try not to begin the lead section with a laundry list of times/places the episodes aired; begin with what makes the episode notable. Done
I see some redundancies in the lead that need to be trimmed down. For example, in the last paragraph there's: "...is introduced in this episode. This episode also introduces..." "The episode focuses..." etc. Copy-edit, vary word usage and sentence structure, and trim down! Done Merged paragraphs 2 and 3 and trimmed the original paragraph 2.
In the refs, "TV.com" and other non-publications/newspapers/magazines do not need to be italicized. There's also something funky going on with the publishers in refs 30 and 33. Done
Rachel Dratch originally played the role of Jenna DeCarlo, in an unaired pilot for 30 Rock. A little background regarding Dratch's relationship to SNL would be good here, I think; even if it's just "SNL performer Rachel Dratch" or something similar. Done
Speaking of SNL, I believe that the show's background should come before the episode's production since, chronologically, that's how it happened. The whole SNL parody, Fey's inspiration, etc, should come first and then tie into this episode's history. Done

I did not get too far into reviewing the prose, but I may do so later if needed. Best of luck, if you have any questions just let me know! María (habla conmigo) 20:55, 14 August 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for the review. I've sorted all the points. -- Jɑɱǐε Jcɑ 19:23, 15 August 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from Matthewedwards (talk · contribs)

I would bold pilot episode rather than just pilot. Alternatively, rewrite the sentence to something like "Pilot is the first episode produced and broadcast for the American situation comedy series 30 Rock." Done
"the first episode produced and broadcast of the series." should be "for the series" Done
Just in case you weren't aware, date linking (and autoformatting) is no longer required by the MoS. It's entirely optional now, so if you want to remove them, you can. I prefer not to have them linked, as it will allow your high-value links to stand out more (is it necessary to know that it aired in Canada on the anniversary of Evgeny Kissin's birthday?) and see whether the date formatting is correct. Done
There's really no need to wikilink Canada, United States or United Kingdom -- see WP:CONTEXT and WP:OVERLINK. I think everyone who uses en.wiki will be aware of those countries and not need to visit those articles from this one. Done
Don't overlink NBC{{done}
"With this advise," What advise? also, the spelling should be "wikt:advice" Done Copy and Pasting error.
"a few years later," I'd prefer a real figure than a vague "few" Done
"re-tooled" is a bit of a specialist word. If there is no wikilink for this, perhaps use a different word? Done Linked to Wiktionary
Do not link month-years, such as May 2006, per MOS:NUM Done
WP:MOSTV says the word count for plot sections should be between 200 and 500 words. The plot falls just within that with 211 words, but for an hour long episode I feel it could be more. Having said that, I haven't seen the episode so I don't know if anything more can be added, but for the first episode which usually introduces many characters and sets a lot of stuff up, I think it probably can be. For example, what does Liz do with the $150 worth of hotdogs? "Liz is sceptical due to Tracy's past record of various infamous stunts." What stunts? It seems kind of teaser-ish, and not wanting to give away spoilers, but WP allows Spoilers. Done The old word count was based on an old guideline at WP:TELEVISION which was something along the lines of 10 words per minute of runtime for the plot. I've expanded the section to 314 words.
"Liz, against her own judgement, meets with Tracy" --> "Against her own judgement, Liz meets with Tracy" Done
There's a few passive voice sentences. "In 2002, Fey, who was then the head writer and a performer on Saturday Night Live (SNL), pitched the pilot that became this episode to NBC, originally as a situation comedy about cable news." --> "A pilot episode for a situation comedy about a cable news network was originally pitched to NBC in 2002 by Fey, who was then the head writer and a performer on NBC's Saturday Night Live (SNL)." Done
"The NBC Entertainment president, who was then Kevin Reilly, felt that" --> "NBC Entertainment president Kevin Reilly, felt that" Done
"In May, 2003," --> "In May 2003," Done
"In May, 2003, Fey signed a contract with NBC to remain in her SNL head writer position until at least the 2004–2005 television season." --> "Fey signed a contract with NBC in May 2003, allowing her to remain in her SNL head writer position until at least the 2004–2005 television season." Done
"U.S.", but "United Kingdom". Would be better as "US" and "UK" Done
Remove the a in "which was a 6% of the viewing audience" Done
No need for the first comma in "Stanley further praised Baldwin's performance, as Jack Donaghy," Done

Hope these help! Matthewedwards (talk • contribs • email) 18:42, 18 August 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for the comments. I've sorted all of them. It's much appreciated as i'm looking to submit the article for FA in the next few days. -- ^[User]Jamie JCA_[Talk] 20:15, 18 August 2008 (UTC)[reply]