Wikipedia:Peer review/Pam Hupp/archive1

Pam Hupp edit

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I've listed this article for peer review because it is a newly created article on a somewhat sensitive topic (someone charged with a murder and implicated, but not charged, into two other murders) so would definitely benefit from a review to ensure the wording is all appropriate.

Thanks, McPhail (talk) 21:30, 25 September 2018 (UTC)[reply]

1: I suggest that you rearrange the lead paragraph to make clear the sequence of events. Mention all of the murders/accusations in the first sentence, then devote a sentence or two apiece to the alleged murder of Betsy Faria, the alleged framing of Russell Faria, the new evidence implicating Hupp, and the Gumpenburger situation, with the information about Neumann either inserted into the chronology or appended at the end.

2: Some of the information about personal lives (e.g., that Hupp's first marriage lasted 6 years), seems to me to not be notable, especially where it involves unrelated people.

3: At several points 'Faria' could plausibly refer to either husband or wife (Faria's laptop, e.g.). I suggest using first names as well at these points of ambiguity. Cheers, Genericusername57 (talk) 22:37, 13 October 2018 (UTC)[reply]

@Genericusername57: - thanks very much for these suggestions. I've actioned points 2 and 3; I had a go at point 1 but couldn't find a wording that I felt worked well. McPhail (talk) 22:28, 15 November 2018 (UTC)[reply]