Wikipedia:Peer review/Ned Williamson/archive1

Ned Williamson edit

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A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for October 2008.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because one more set of eyes could point out things that I may have missed.

Thanks, Neonblak ^talk - 08:53, 23 October 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Ruhrfisch comments: This looks pretty good to me, but here are some suggestions for improvement.

DoneThe article could use a copyedit - for example in the lead During this time, he played for three different teams, the Indianapolis Blues of the National League for one season, the Chicago White Stockings, also of the National League, for 11 seasons, and one season for the Chicago Pirates of the Players League. could probably be changed to something like He played for three different teams in his career: the Indianapolis Blues of the National League (NL) for one season, the Chicago White Stockings (NL) for 11 seasons, and the Chicago Pirates of the Players League for one season. (parallel construction and tighten prose)
DoneTypos too - ...and nine home runs.[2] in 1888, his batting average dipped again, to .250, but did finished fourth both in RBIs with 73, ... new sentence does not start with a capital letter (but follows a period) and should be either "he finished fourth" of "did finish fourth"
DoneYou can ask for help with a copyedit at the last section of WP:PRV
I would include his death in the lead - even in his era dying at 36 was unusual
DoneThe Late career and Post career sections are both very short. Could they be combined and renamed, perhaps "Late career and death"?
Any idea when he contracted tuberculosis? Or why he retired so young (are they related or was it just his knee injury?)

Without a specific source, I cannot say he "retired", or stopped playing due to his knee, although that is the most likely reason.Neonblak ^talk - 11:26, 3 November 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Any more personal life details - parents names, siblings, did he marry opr have children?

As far as I can gather, he was married, and I think I could incorporate at least that much, other than that, it appears that he didn't have any children, but nothing saying yes or no, and of course, nothing found on his parents, ancestry, lineage.Neonblak ^talk - 11:26, 3 November 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Hope this helps. If my comments are useful, please consider peer reviewing an article, especially one at Wikipedia:Peer review/backlog (which is how I found this article). Yours, Ruhrfisch _><>°^° 13:24, 2 November 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Yes, your comments are very helpful, I will use your suggestions, and be finished with the changes my mid-week.. I'm pretty booked for the next few days.Neonblak ^talk - 13:54, 2 November 2008 (UTC)[reply]

I've completed most of what you suggested, and will look to add more personal information as I come across it. Thanks again for taking the time.Neonblak ^talk - 11:26, 3 November 2008 (UTC)[reply]