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Wikipedia:Peer review/List of Asu no Yoichi! episodes/archive1

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List of Asu no Yoichi! episodes edit

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I want to see how this article can be improved to Featured List status.

Thanks, Extremepro (talk) 09:16, 11 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Ruhrfisch comments: Good start, but it seems to me that this needs some work before it is ready for WP:FLC. Here are some suggestions for improvement.

  • There does not seem to be an article about the anime series itself, so I would add a background section briefly explaining who the major characters are and the basic situation at the beginning of the series. This would provide context for the reader and make the plot summaries much easier to follow.

*Avoid overlinking per WP:OVERLINK and needless repetition - the lead says twice that the series was broadcast on Tokyo Broadcasting System starting on January 8, 2009 and links TBS both times too.

Removed repeated section.
  • Some of the sources used are of doubtful reliability - Amazon.com is not usually seen as a good source for a book, so the shopping website sources used for the theme music seem doubtful too - see WP:RS
  • Would changing the reference to the anime's TBS song info page be better than CDJapan? I used CDJapan because the anime's TBS anime site is a primary source and should be used sparringly(IMO).
  • I agree it is good not to rely solely on primary sources - why not add that but keep CDJapan and see what they think when this gets to FLC? Ruhrfisch ><>°° 19:28, 25 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

*Per WP:MOS#Images, images should be set to thumb width to allow reader preferences to take over.

Set image to thumb
  • Read Wikipedia:Manual of Style (writing about fiction) and especially WP:IN-U
  • Biggest problem as I see it is that this needs a copyedit to clean up the language. There are places where the verb tense switches in mid paragraph or where the subject is plural and the verb is singular (or vice versa). Combined with the lack of a background section and lots of use of pronouns without clear antecedents (who is referred to when using he/him/his or she/her/hers) the plot summaries are fairly confusing.
  • Can I call on LOCE to help?
  • LOCE is (sadly) defunct, although you might try asking some of the poeple listed as members. There are also people willing to do copyedits listed at the bottom of WP:PR/V Ruhrfisch ><>°° 19:28, 25 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
  • Could you pick out instances of incorrect grammar/syntax and list them here? Extremepro (talk) 07:17, 26 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Hope this helps. If my comments are useful, please consider peer reviewing an article, especially one at Wikipedia:Peer review/backlog (which is how I found this article). Yours, Ruhrfisch ><>°° 14:38, 24 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you for your review. Extremepro (talk) 08:26, 25 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Glad to help, Ruhrfisch ><>°° 19:28, 25 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Here are some examples of prose that need to be fixed / polished (not a complete list, just examples):

  • tense change mid-sentence here (is could just be removed) - The episodes were directed by Rion Kujo[2] and is produced by Anime International Company.[3]
  • "Plot" is singular so it should be "follows", missing article The plot of the episodes follow[s] the adventures of [a] teenage samurai named Yoichi Karasuma as he lives in with the Ikaruga family after being ordered, by his father, to live with them in order to learn martial arts. The last part of the sentence is really awkward and could be rewritten as something like The plot follows the adventures of a teenage samurai named Yoichi Karasuma, who is ordered by his father to live with the Ikaruga family to learn [more? new?] martial arts. I might add more or new as we are told he already is a samurai and already knows some martial arts
  • Another awkward sentence After 17 years of learning Ukiha Divine Wind Style Swordplay in the mountains, Yoichi Karusuma is ordered to experience life in the city with the Ikarugas by his father, as he has nothing more to teach him. could be something like these two sentences Yoichi Karusuma has spent 17 years learning [the?] Ukiha Divine Wind Style [of?] swordplay from his father in the mountains. His father has nothing more to teach Yoichi and orders him to experience life in the city with the Ikarugas, who can teach Yoichi new martial arts. or perhaps something like Yoichi Karusuma has spent 17 years in the mountains learning [the?] Ukiha Divine Wind Style [of?] swordplay from his father, who has nothing more to teach him. His father orders him to experience life in the city with the Ikarugas, who can teach Yoichi new martial arts.
  • Unclear antecedent - who is defeated Y or W? After he arrives in the city, Yoichi is ridiculed by Washizu for his samurai clothes and easily defeats him.
  • Plural subject but singular verb, plus two short sentences that could be combined: Ibuki and Ayame takes [take] Yoichi to Yokko Private High School. Coincidentally, [where] he is in the same class as Washizu and Ibuki.

OK there's a start from the lead and Episode 1. Ruhrfisch ><>°° 12:01, 28 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Kaguya-chan comments:
Episode 1

  • "Outside the shopping centre, Ibuki asks Yoichi if he is Yoichi. He agrees." I don't think you can agree to being yourself.
  • Any idea how to reword it?
  • Maybe "Outside the shopping centre, Ibuki asks Yoichi if he is Yoichi. He acknowelges that he is Yoichi." That's still kind of an awkward sentence though... Kaguya-chan (talk) 13:07, 30 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
  • "The police arrest Yoichi for causing mayhem but releases him afterwards."
  • wikilink dojo

Episode 2

  • "When Ibuki noticed Yoichi being asked questions by female students she takes him out in the hall and beats him once again." Add a comma between students and she

Episode 3:

  • "It is revealed that Tsubame used...." You mean Tsubasa?
  • "Later, Yoichi and Ibuki apologise to each other for their actions earlier in the day, to which Ayame's dismay."
  • "When Yoichi comments on Tsusaba's cuteness..." Tsubasa is mispelled
  • "After school, Angela strips [off] Tsubasa's clothes in front of Ibuki and..."

Episode 4

  • "She takes Yoichi into her room, shows him her manga and starts...." Comma between manga and and
  • "Yoichi overhears three boys talking about Chihaya behind her back and hints at ruining her work" How about "and are hinting at having ruined her work"

Episode 5

  • "She takes him to a toy shop, where she shows keen interest in a plushie"
  • "After bowling, Ibuki attempts to take Yoichi's hand[,] but he turns around and she trips over a stone[,] making [causing] them both [to] fall into a fountain."
  • "Ibuki realizes that this" You mean remembers, right?

Episode 6:

  • "Washizuis [is] hit by Ibuki while she chases after Yoichi"
  • "Washizu day dreams" Daydreams is one word
  • "Washizu performs the mission. The letter ends up in Yoichi's hand because Washizu put the letter into the wrong locker." "Washizu acts on his daydream; however, because he put the letter into the wrong locker, the letter ends up in Yoichi's hand."
  • "After they both collapse at a thousand push ups, Kagome and Chiyaya arrive with food for dinner[,] and they all eat together."
  • " Ibuki feeds Washizu[,] and Ayame does the same with Yoichi."

I'll finish looking over this soon. :) Kaguya-chan (talk) 17:00, 29 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Episode 7

  • "One of the brothers release[s] a trained bird to attack the gang, which causes Yoichi to embarrass everyone."
  • "Kagome falls down a cave and breaks her fall by landing on top of Masashi."
  • "Meanwhile, Masashi and Kagome rushes out an exit to the cave only to find out that it leads to a ledge on a cliff face
  • "The gang catches up to Kagome[,] and Yoichi dives into the water to save Masashi."
  • "Kagome dives in the water to save Mashashi-kun and throw[s] the bokken to land in Yoichi's hand"

Episode 8

  • "Washizu is determined to confess to Ibuki using a [about the] love letter."
  • "Washizu walks into a shop to buy something to [a] drink, only to see Ayame choosing the same bottle."

Episode 9

  • "Torigaya mixed up the draw and the resulting groups are: Ayame and Washizu, Yoichi and Ibuki, with Chihaya, Kagome and Washizu are in the final group"
  • "Yoichi runs to a shooting gallery, a store run by the Saginomiya clan, and futilely tries to shoot a prize." Er, win a prize?
  • "It is revealed that the reason why the Saginomiya clan tricks Ibuki into winning the hot springs trip is [that] because of Ukyo [has a]'s crush on Ibuki."

Episode 10

  • "Yoichi and the gang go to a hot springs for free due to Ibuki winning a prize at the festival last episode"
  • "Yoichi and the gang eat dinner with their host, who says that ghosts in the cave behind the inn is the reason why there are no other guest[s] in the inn."
  • "Yoichi and Ibuki volunteer to exorcise the ghost[s?]"
  • "Arriving at entrance to the cave, Yoichi and Ibuki fall into a hole and both gets knocked uncon[s]cious."
  • "Ayame saves Yoichi and helps defeats all the remaining opponents"
  • "Yoichi wakes up and [to] finds Ayame next to him, and she who starts seducing him."

Episode 11

  • "Due to the Saginomiya siblings' medicine, Ibuki's mind has reverted to when she was four." I wouldn't call that medicine. Maybe sleeping gas?
  • "At the same time, Ibuki is kidnapped and Washizu is stunned by the Saginomiya". Reword to "Meanwhile, the Saginomiya stun Washizu and kidnap Ibuki."
  • "A short [brief] search around the house leads [them] to Kagome's room"

Episode 12

  • "Yoichi, Kagome, Chihaya and Ayame arrive at the Saginomiya['s] residence"
  • "She reveals Ukyou's plans to marry Ibuki, then her maids attack the party, to which Yoichi successfully blocks." Not sure what this sentence is about.
  • Well Sakon confronts Yoichi and gang. She says that Ukyou is going to marry Ibuki today and suggests that they should leave. When the gang refuse to leave, Sakon orders her maids to fire at them with guns. Yoichi protects the gang by blocking all the bullets with his bokken. (It sound ridiculous but that's what happened in the anime)
  • Okay, "Sakon reveals her brother's plan to marry Ibuki to Yoichi's group. When the group refuses to leave, Sakon orders her maids to shoot at them. Yoichi protects his groupg by blocking all the bullets with his bokken." Kaguya-chan (talk) 13:08, 2 July 2009 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Yoichi pleads [with] Sakon to return Ibuki.[; however,] Sakon slaps Yoichi [him] and dissap[p]ears"
  • "Luckily, Washizu, Tsubame, Angela and Torigaya intervene." You mean Tsubasa?
  • "Yoichi, Kagome, Chihaya and Ayame chase Sakon into the chapel, where Ukyou is preparing his wedding. [; however,] Ukyou and Ibuki escapes through a hidden platform."
  • "Ibuki recovers her memory[,] but falls off the roof."
  • "Both Yoichi's group and Ukyou attempt to follow[,] but Ukyou is held back by Sakon hugging his legs [Sakon holds Ukyou back while Yoichi's group falls into the river]. Yoichi's group falls into a river"
  • "Yoichi sent a letter to his father stating his wishes to stay at the Ikaruga dojo." Sends?

Hope the comments are helpful. :) Kaguya-chan (talk) 19:44, 29 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

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