King Charles Spaniel edit
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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review as I feel the level of information avaliable places it between the average Good Article (which it currently is graded as) and the only dog breed Featured Article at Beagle. Having unsuccessfully nominated articles twice now for FA, I'm seeking advice on what needs to be done before I take it there.
Thanks, Miyagawa (talk) 11:57, 28 June 2011 (UTC)
Brianboulton comments: A very informative article which made interesting reading. The main problem is with the prose; I have identified some of the points which need improving and made some suggestions, but if it is possible I would advise a full copyedit from another editor.
- Lead
- Opening of the article is a bit clunky, with "spaniel" occuring eightb times in the first two lines. I'm not sure that all the bolding is within MOS guidelines, or is necessary.
- "...seen in Europe in Italy" - odd phrasing; why not just "in Italy"?
- "in order to" is unnecessarily wordy and can be shortened to "to" (this occurs a couple more times in the main text).
- Nickname "Charlie" needs to be specified before use
- "Historically they..." As this is a new paragraph, "they" needs to be specified. There should be a comma after "Historically"
- I'd be a bit more general than "Today...", for example "In the modern era..." or something similar
- History
- "It is thought that..." You need to specify by whom
- This opening sentence is too long, too much information crammed in, and in need of some rephrasing. Suggest "...primarily in Japan, where the dogs were often given as presents to European royalty." Full stop after royalty, then "They may share..." etc
- "red and white type" needs to be "types" to be consistent with the verb
- "it was more pointed..." - not clear whethet "it" refers to head or nose.
- "During" is one of the words which tends to be overused. I recommend that when you can avoid it, do. Thus: "The earliest recorded appearance of a toy spaniel in England in the period prior to Charles II..." And, of course, Charles II was a man, not a period, so perhaps "prior to the reign of Charles II"
- I query the date of the Philip and Mary painting, given as 1552. Mary wasn't queen until July 1553; and the couple did not meet until 1554. Image file says 1558 which is probably correct.
- Since John Caius was English, what language was his book written in, that required translation? The title Of Englishe Dogges suggests English (Oh, I see now it was Latin. Perhaps mention that earlier, though it's a very small point)
- The sudden jump to Perry in the mid-19th century, at the end of this section, is strange, since you have a later section dealing with the 19C.
- Charles II and the 17th century
- "these dogs" - New section, you need to specify.
- This first paragraph needs a little polishing. As well as "these dogs" the phrase "these types of dogs" occurs twicw in quick succession
- Can you explain "tricolor" in the context of this paragraph?
- "...each family having its favourite"? That sounds as though every family in Europe possessed a spaniel.
- "One example of an entry in his diary regarding these dogs is from 1 September 1666..." Much to longwinded; could easily be "His diary entry for 1 September 1666, concerning a council meeting, reads:" etc.
- Delete second "that" from final sentence of section.
- 18th and 19th centuries
- The explanation of how Blenheim spaniels got their name needs to precede discussion of the breed
- "goes on to explain" is verbose; "explains" will do just as well
- "the toy spaniels are able to hunt" should be "toy spaniels are able to hunt"
- Again the pronoun "they" at the start of a paragraph.
- Paragraphs are normlly held together by some overall theme. The sentence dealing with the cost of a dog in 1860 and the current equivalent value looks oddly placed, having no connection with the other information in the paragraph.
- The "poisoning" story doesn't really fit in to a factual, encyclopedic article and adds nothing to our knowledge of these dogs. I recommend you omit this.
- If you are giving current values for the price paid in 1860, why not the same for Bismarck's $1,000?
- Conformation showing and the 20th century
- "tricolour" in first line; elsewhere in the article you have "tricolor". Consistency required - my own view is that in an article about an English breed of dog, English spelling should be used (you already appear to be using English dmy date formats). There are other Americanisms such as "traveled".
- What does "no stop" mean?
- Temperament
- Need to harmonise between "it" and "they"
- "Although tolerant of and able bond well with children..." Word missing
I hope you will find these comments helpful. As I am not able to watch individual peer reviews, please contact my talkpage if you have queries arising from this review. Brianboulton (talk) 22:31, 9 July 2011 (UTC)