Jojo Rabbit edit
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I've listed this article for peer review because I'm willing to bring this up to GA status, and FA sometime this year after the GAN succeeded. There's just so much to tell about this film (as you can see at the talk page below section, lack of accuracy coverage, unengaging reception section, and short release section, but I'll hopefully make this article comprehensive. In the meantime, please give suggestions, maybe help improve if the article, if you can!
Vielen Dank, GeraldWL 08:08, 16 February 2021 (UTC)
Comments from Mir Novov edit
- In the lead, the average reader wouldn't know what the Deutsches Jungvolk is. I would just use Hitler Youth; Jojo's exact position can be mentioned in the body text (though perhaps explain there what the Jungvolk is). It's also redundant given the lead already mentions his age.
- Done both.
- Generally, the prose seems a bit circuitous and stilted in places. For instance, you could just say During the collapse of Nazi Germany instead of In Nazi Germany, amid its collapse.
- Done.
- The grammar in some places is also a bit iffy, though generally you did a pretty good job as a second-language speaker. For instance, it's gave cinematography advice not give cinematography advices.
- Done.
- Try to word things so they are less repetitive: instead of When Rosie openly elates at the Allied invasion of Italy, Jojo begins showing temper at his mother for her seeming lack of patriotism, whereupon she openly expresses her opposition towards Nazism. Meanwhile, Jojo argues with an increasingly hostile Adolf about his patriotism, try something like When Rosie is openly elated at the Allied invasion of Italy, Jojo attacks her for her apparent unpatriotic behaviour, and she admits her opposition to Nazism. Meanwhile, he starts arguing about the subject with the increasingly hostile Adolf.
- Done.
- The plot section is very "thing A happens, then thing B happens". Express how the events lead to each other more.
- I tweaked some stuff a bit, see if the current is of your interest.
- Development:
- The wording needs to tie into different topics better; many of the paragraphs seem unorganised. As an example, the Filming and post-production section just kind of randomly segues into a bit about shooting locations in the Czech Republic; this should be its own paragraph, starting with an sentence that leads into the topic and summarises it. Start each section with a paragraph that explains the overall themes and development history and then go into more detail on each topic.
- I don't quit understand. I structure it to be Locations --> Set design --> Conditions during filming --> Reshoots. Seems well organized; if you can elaborate your concern it'd probably help. I also plan to add a Style and Themes section soon.
- Specifically, the location bit is kind of squashed into the first sentence, which seems to be more about filming in general. It could probably be its own paragraph alongside the bit about the reshoots (it's fine to cover the whole production chronologically in broad terms then go back in time in a more in depth manner). - Novov T C 08:24, 18 February 2021 (UTC)
- I don't quit understand. I structure it to be Locations --> Set design --> Conditions during filming --> Reshoots. Seems well organized; if you can elaborate your concern it'd probably help. I also plan to add a Style and Themes section soon.
- I wouldn't use the template you chose for the screenplay; it's not very easy to read, and seems geared towards shorter quotes. If you have an image of the script, I'd use that instead.
- ...with the film being colorful and vibrant, which is an important aspect of the film violates WP:NPOV. Say something like which he considered an important aspect of the film if the sources support that.
- The source supports, so I've changed it.
- I don't really understand ...saying that it is offensive to the peak to showcase family members dead; "the peak" isn't really a term used in relation to these sorts of things AFAIK.
- That's me in desparate of paraphrasing! Tweaked.
- Clarify that all of the music in the soundtrack was composed by Giacchino, rather than just stating that All music is composed by Michael Giacchino; clearly the stuff by Bowie wasn't. Also, that can be mentioned in the paragraphs about Giacchino above, rather than the non-sequitur here.
- The Tracklisting template causes this. Removed.
- 20th Century Fox's acquisition by Disney seems like it's worth a mention in the release section, seeing as some thought that it would prevent the film's release.
- Voila!
- Reception:
- IIRC Jojo underperformed; you should add some context to the box office figures instead of just listing them.
- Change the review section so it's ordered by parts of the film, not per review, as WP:RECEPTION suggests. Probably keep the UK section separate, as it largely covers the film's handling of its subject matter.
- Also, the verbiage mentioning the negative criticism could convey the touchiness of the subject a bit more - negative critical reception seems like a bit of an understatement. Also I would avoid saying such things unqualified; you can't guarantee that literally every British critic rated it negatively. Instead, say something like Many critics in the United Kingdom gave the film negative reviews, accusing it of trivialising the Holocaust.
- On that note, the review prose is very stilted at times. Try to summarise and condense differing reviews more by putting them in your own prose. Quotes are handy, but they should illustrate a point rather than comprising it.
I'm not experienced with PRs, and am kind of short on time, so I'm sure I've missed some stuff. Overall, it's a promising and well-researched start, but still needs a good amount of work to rise above C-class. - Novov T C 01:20, 18 February 2021 (UTC)