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Wikipedia:Peer review/Jim Umbricht/archive1

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Jim Umbricht edit

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because… I'm planning to bring this to FAC soon, after an excellent GA review, I think I exhausted all my useful sourcing here, though I'll do a second check tomorrow. Sad story of a baseball player who died way too soon.

Thanks, Secret account 07:49, 1 December 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Comments by Sarastro

Lead

  • "He was best known for his year-long battle with malignant melanoma.": Not too sure why this needs a ref, particularly as the ref does not say that this is what he was best known for. I think we are reaching in judging what he was best known for.
  • "he died six months later": later than what?
  • Why are there refs in the lead? Is the information not included in the main body? If not, it should be.

Early career

  • "Umbricht was born in Chicago, Illinois and moved in with his family to Atlanta in 1946": Moved in with his family?
  • In this section, there are rather too many sentences which begin "He" or "Umbricht".
  • "That year Umbricht pitched for the Bears in 10 games...": No year has been specified by this point.
  • The end of the section gets a bit too list-y with the stats.
    • I'll see if I could find some interesting, on-topic tidbits to add to the section.

Major League career

  • "He pitched seven innings, giving up five earned runs, including home runs to Johnny Temple, Frank Thomas and Buddy Gilbert, while striking out three.": Perhaps a little too much going on in this sentence.
  • Why such a short section on the Pittsburgh Pirates?
    • I removed the 1960-1961 subsection, as it dealt with the Pirates. Secret account 05:09, 11 December 2012 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Umbricht left the game in position for the win": Although I understand what this means, I'm not sure it is the best phrasing.
  • I'm not sure a date range is the best idea for a title
  • "The Pirates began strongly in spring training, winning 11 in a row at one point": (I've edited this sentence) My baseball knowledge fails me at this point; do the teams actually compete during spring training? The name suggests training only.
    • Yes they do, I'm not sure how to reword it without adding unneeded redundancy in the sentence, better to follow the link. Secret account 05:09, 11 December 2012 (UTC)[reply]
  • "In a March 17 game": Is there a significance in the date? If not, perhaps remove it.
    • Removed the date.
  • "was impressed with Umbricht's pitching and expected him to become the Pirates' fourth starter by opening day. He won the spot and...": It seems that the same point is being made repeatedly here. Why not cut "and expected him to become the Pirate's fourth starter", and rephrase the rest?
  • "getting charged with the 11–3 loss": What does this mean?
  • Do we need all the dates?
    • Baseball is a sport that is highly dependent on dates, unlike cricket and some other sports, I'll see what dates I could cut. Secret account 00:43, 25 December 2012 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Umbricht had terrible control": POV?
  • "After giving up nine runs in seven innings of work in his first two starts": Hasn't this point just been made? Let the reader do the adding.
  • "was scratched with a sore throat": Scratched is jargony.
  • "Umbricht pitched five innings, striking out five": Reads like he struck out five innings.
  • "After the game went to extra innings, Umbricht pitched the thirteenth inning. The Pirates won in the later half of the inning, earning Umbricht his first career win.": Ref?
  • "After the game went to extra innings, Umbricht pitched the thirteenth inning": Is there a way to rephrase this without repeating "inning(s)"? Sarastro1 (talk) 21:53, 7 December 2012 (UTC)[reply]
    • Hard without going into confusing baseball terminology. Secret account 00:43, 25 December 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Cancer and early death

  • "A lifelong clean-cut bachelor, Umbricht had developed a reputation as a cheerful person who only cared about others' well-being.": While doubtless true, I'm not sure this information fits in at this point.
  • "As a result...": And, following from the above comment, I'd cut this.
  • "and began to be as a surgical procedure not long before Umbricht's surgery": Typo here? Missing word after "began to be"
  • Added Used

Aftermath and legacy

  • "In 1965, the Houston Colt .45s became known as the Houston Astros.": I'm not really seeing the relevance here.
  • "Journalists criticizing the retirement of numbers sometimes use Umbricht as an example of someone whose number was retired but who is unfamiliar to baseball fans.": Use it how? For what purpose? This is not quite clear.

General

  • I have copy-edited the article, but please check I have not made a mess of anything. As ever, feel free to revert anything you do not like, or that does not work.
  • I have not performed any spot-checks
  • I do not watch peer reviews, so please raise any issues or questions on my talk page. Sarastro1 (talk) 22:12, 7 December 2012 (UTC)[reply]
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