Wikipedia:Peer review/Himura Kenshin/archive1

Himura Kenshin

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because it is currently a GA article. Would like feedback and thoughts on ways it can be improved and any tweaks needed to get it ready for FA candidacy.

Thanks, Collectonian (talk) 01:44, 28 April 2008 (UTC)

Lazulilasher (talk) 01:19, 2 May 2008 (UTC)

First, the article is generally well-done and reasonably broad in scope. Second, while reading this piece I did encounter a few items which may be of help to you and your collaborators:

• OVA - I didn't know what this meant-I recommend writing the abbreviation out the first time for newbie readers such as myself.
• I would work on the prose, especially with an eye towards more exact wording. For example, see this excerpt from the "Background" section: "... killed all with the exception of Shinta, who is saved by Seijūrō. Seijūrō decides to adopt Shinta into his apprenticeship, and renames the boy "Kenshin" (with 'Ken' meaning 'sword' and 'Shin' meaning 'heart'), believing that 'Shinta' is not a fitting name for a swordsman.[22]"

Perhaps this would be clearer if it were recast like this: "...killed all except for Shinta, who is saved by Seijuro and renamed "Kenshin" as the name 'Ken' (sword) and 'Shin' (heart) where more fitting for a swordsman.

I changed this particular line, however the article would benefit from copyediting from a stylistic viewpoint.

• On the same topic, sentences such as this one can be recast to eliminate redundancy: Various anime and manga publications have provided acclaim and criticism of Kenshin's character. Perhaps would read better like this: Kenshin's character has been met with mixed reviews within the anime and manga community.....specifically, I am referring to the word "various" which is unnecessary.
  • Within that vein: "Kenshin's desire is to protect people from danger without killing" can be cut slightly to: "Kenshin desires to protect people from danger without killing."
• In the "Techniques" section, this phrase appears: "...and the ability to read through the movements of his opponents." What does "read through the movements of his opponents" mean? Further, in this instance, it may be clearer to use the genitive case: "opponent's movements" rather than "movements of his opponents."
• Although it is good for the Lead section to provide a concise, scintillating version of the whole article, shy away from actually using the exact same text as in the "Plot Overview" section.
• I find it useful to refer to Featured Content with a similar subject. There are several FAs in Himura Kenshin's Wikiproject, for example: Madlax. These can be a useful resource.
• To conclude, the largest area for improvement that I see regards style and prose. Typically, I recommend League of Copy Editors, as they generally do a terrific job of polishing prose!

I hope this helped. Feel free to leave a message on my talk page with any questions. Lazulilasher (talk) 02:05, 2 May 2008 (UTC)

Thanks, we'll get to work on those and see if can get it copy edited :) Collectonian (talk) 02:15, 2 May 2008 (UTC)

I've made an attempt at reworking the lead. Is that looking better? Collectonian (talk) 23:34, 2 May 2008 (UTC)

• Comments from user:erachima

While the article as a whole is well organized, I see a couple paragraphs that could read more clearly than they currently do.

In the Creation and Conception section, the third paragraph needs work. (Was it based on an imperfectly translated source?) It has instances of bad grammar throughout ("as well as a simply structure", "changes he made was"), and though I'm currently fixing it as well as I can, it will at least needs looked over by the original editor to see if my rewording is accurate.

In the Background section, there are several ambiguous statements, a couple of which I found rather amusing. ("Both Kenshin and Tomoe get married"? Such a pity, I thought they would have made a good couple together.) Seijūrō also gets dropped out of the sky with no introduction or wikilink. Actually, that seems to be true of a lot of the characters. First mentions of characters, like first mentions of jargon, need to be given context for the reader unfamiliar with the series.

Speaking of things being dropped from the sky, the last sentence of the technique section segues with the grace of a brick to the back of the skull. (Right now it essentially reads "Kenshin learns an all powerful sword technique. Then dies.") I can tell a lot of effort was put into compressing that section to only describe his most important attributes, but I think an extra sentence or two of transition would serve us well there.

That's all I have the time to look for right now, but I may come back later. Fortunately, despite the writing needing a significant amount of improvement, the real effort, gathering information for the article, has already been done excellently. Good work, and good luck. --erachima talk 21:12, 2 May 2008 (UTC)

• Comments from user:tintor2

I tried doing the statements that erachima commented. My only doubt is the balance of the in-universe information and the out-of-universe information.--Tintor2 (talk) 23:33, 2 May 2008 (UTC)