I've listed this article for peer review because…
I worked hard on it, it is my first article, and I would like to improve it in any way possible but am not sure how. Not sure what else to say.
Thanks, mossypiglet (talk) quote or something 18:12, 4 October 2020 (UTC)[reply]
Hi @Mossypiglet:, this is a really interesting biography on a person I've never read about. After reading the article here are some comments below:
You use a lot of extra words in your prose. For example, "Van Boskerck would serve in the Coast Guard as commander of the Coast Guard cutters..." could be Van Boskerck served as commander of the Coast Guard cutters.... Unnecessary words cause readers to lose interest in the article more quickly. Try reading every sentence and think of ways to remove words. Here's a great guide for removing extra words
All the sentences should be about the person and extra material should go on other Wikipedia pages. For example, {tq|"The institution would become the United States Coast Guard Academy...}} does not give us extra information about Van Boskerck's life or works so should be deleted.
Until 1890, the School of Instruction was held on ships,[2] when the first land-based campus for it was established in Curtis Bay, Maryland,[2] likely making it where Van Boskerck lived. On Wikipedia we can not make assumptions based on the research. Instead, we have to use sources to verify the information. If a source can't be found that verifies this then it should be removed. For more details go to WP:SYNTH.
He would rise through the ranks of the Coast Guard throughout his career, holding various senior positions. This is a classic case of "show, don't tell". What ranks did he achieve, and when did he achieve them? What was the highest rank he achieved? The subsequent sections are excellent examples of showing me his ranks, and perhaps this sentence isn't needed.
Now that he had lyrics and music, Van Boskerck was ready to publish Semper Paratus. This sentence isn't needed. Articles should avoid flourish and excitable sentences like this and instead use quantitative facts to explain the story.
The first paragraph in "Publishing" is about the first performance of this song, so the section header should be something like "First performance and publication"
You have a reference in every paragraph, but some of these are not needed. For example, the death section uses one reference, so you can put that at the end of the last paragraph. More information can be found at WP:CITEFOOT.
That's it! Congrats on a fantastic first article. Please post below if you have any questions or concerns. Z1720 (talk) 23:46, 9 November 2020 (UTC)[reply]
@Z1720: Thank you very much. As for your criticisms, I will be editing the article accordingly when I get the chance. It may please you to know, I had stopped editing Wikipedia for various reasons but your praise makes me want to come back and I hope I do so. Thanks again, it's very much appreciated. <3 mossypiglet (talk) quote or something 00:31, 16 November 2020 (UTC)[reply]
@Mossypiglet: I'm glad to read that you are coming back! I hope to see this article get better over time. Please message my talk page if you have questions or want me to take a second look at the article. Happy editing! Z1720 (talk) 00:34, 16 November 2020 (UTC)[reply]
"would serve" is awkward, "served" is all that's needed
"in the Coast Guard" in "Van Boskerck would serve in the Coast Guard as commander" is unnecessary as you said right before he was in the coast guard
the line "Norfolk Division, district commander of the Great Lakes District, captain of the Port of Philadelphia, and commander of the Bering Sea Patrol. " would benefit from four or so links to the various locations, the Bering Sea for example; same with Aleutian Islands
Consider linking "Lieutenant" in both the lead and body text
You have some "citation needed" markers
Every sentence in the lead starts with either "Van Boskerck" or "He" – some variation would be nice :)
The line "He gave the song to Lieutenant Colonel Harvey Miller to publish the day before Van Boskerck died." doesn't make sense as you say "He" but then talk about "Van Boskerck" like he's a different person, perhaps rephrase to something like, "The day before he died, Van Boskerck gave the march to Lieutenant Colonel Harvey Miller to publish."
I've checked your contributions and it seems you've gone inactive, do let me know if you come back and I'll pick up where I left off. Best - Aza24 (talk) 05:04, 15 December 2020 (UTC)[reply]
