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Wikipedia:Peer review/Effects of Hurricane Dennis in Florida/archive1

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Effects of Hurricane Dennis in Florida edit

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
As part of my attempt at a featured topic for Hurricane Dennis, I published this after a while of hard work, it passed GA, went through GAR and was kept listed, and now I'm trying to figure out what it needs before an FAC. Any comments and suggestions are greatly appreciated.

Thanks, Juliancolton Tropical Cyclone 01:35, 27 April 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Ruhrfisch comments: Interesting article that is in pretty good shape already, so most of my suggestions for improvement will be pretty nit-picky:

  • There are many Hurricane FAs so I assume there are a number of model articles to follow - I do not write on storms, so if some of my comments go against Hurricane style, feel free to ignore them.
  • I think in the lead "Effects" should be lower case, i.e. "effects"
  • This is a bit confusing: Hurricane Dennis formed from a tropical wave on June 29, 2005. The wave proceeded westward across the Atlantic Ocean, and became a tropical depression on July 4, a tropical storm on July 5, and a hurricane on July 7. My understanding is that tropical waves are not named, so the initial name would be Tropical Depression Four and it would only gain the Dennis name as a Tropical Storm, and only became "Hurricane Dennis" when it became a Hurricane. I would rewrite this as something like The tropical wave that became Hurricane Dennis formed on June 29, 2005, and proceeded westward across the Atlantic Ocean. It became a tropical depression on July 4, a tropical storm on July 5, and a hurricane on July 7. I tried to make the sentences more equal in length, and note that Hurricane Dennis is a FA and describes this very well too.
  • Santa Rosa Island is a dab - might want to add "in Florida" here too (since it has already made landfall in Cuba) so The storm made landfall [in Florida] as a Category 3 hurricane on Santa Rosa Island on July 10.[1]
  • Still in the lead - the first paragraph says two direct deaths, then the second paragraph says three people died in a flooded car. I assume these are not considered "direct deaths"? Should the direct deaths be mentioned more explicitly in the second paragraph? I would also summarize indirect and direct deaths in the lead (2 direct and ? indirect)
  • A map showing the affected areas in Florida might help clarify this article
  • Awkward sentence Although, shuttle managers eventually decided to begin preparations to move Discovery from the launching pad.[6]
  • Watch for overlinking - Santa Rosa Island is linked at least three times in the article, for example
  • Be consistent on names of places - since the article is on Florida, does it really have to be "Milton, Florida"? Many of the places are just listed by name (no "Florida"), which seems clearer to me.
  • Article could use a copyedit - try reading it out loud.

Hope this helps, interesting read Ruhrfisch ><>°° 03:29, 1 May 2008 (UTC)[reply]

  • Alright, thanks for the comments and suggestions. I'll start working tomorrow when I get a chance. Yeah, my writing abilities aren't great, so I don't know how much I'll be able to copyedit it. The other stuff is pretty easy, though. Thanks, Juliancolton Tropical Cyclone 03:35, 1 May 2008 (UTC)[reply]
  • Oh, and about the direct and indirect deaths, the three people who drowned in a flooded ditch were killed indirectly because they were believed to have hydroplaned. Juliancolton Tropical Cyclone 13:24, 1 May 2008 (UTC)[reply]
  • Perhaps explain this in the article then - I did not know what makes a death "direct" in a storm vs. "indirect" Ruhrfisch ><>°° 01:46, 5 May 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from Ealdgyth (talk · contribs)

You said you wanted to know about FAC, so I looked at the sources for the article.
Otherwise the sources look fine. I did not look at prose, just sources as I would have done at FAC. 16:31, 18 May 2008 (UTC)
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