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Wikipedia:Peer review/BBC Sports Personality of the Year/archive1

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BBC Sports Personality of the Year edit

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
Having got all the individual award pages to individual award pages to FL I'm looking to get this to GA for a BBC Sports Personality of the Year topic. All comments are much appreciated.

Thanks, Rambo's Revenge (talk) 16:36, 24 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from Dabomb87 (talk · contribs)

  • "Since the first ceremony several new awards have been introduced, and as of 2008, eight awards are presented. The oldest of these are the Team of the Year and Overseas Personality awards, which were both introduced in 1960." Seems like it could logically be combined into two sentences, maybe with a semicolon: "Since the first ceremony several new awards have been introduced, and as of 2008, eight awards are presented; The oldest of these are the Team of the Year and Overseas Personality awards, both of which were introduced in 1960.   Done
  • "public vote to find a special Golden Sports Personality of the Year" I like "determine" better than "find" (just me though).   Done
  • "50 year history"-->50-year history   Done
  • Do you think it would be possible to put a bulleted list of the awards in the awards section? Seems kind of bare right now.   Done
  • "who had the idea while he was editor of the magazine show Sportsview." "had" is rather weak, suggestions: "who [conceived of / came up with / thought of] the idea while he was editor of the magazine show Sportsview."   Done -> Came up with
  • "Taking place from the Savoy Hotel on 30 December 1954" at the Savoy Hotel   Done
  • "Radio Times" Should be italicized.   Done
  • "14,517 votes were cast and Christopher Chataway beat Roger Bannister to win the innaguaral BBC Sportsperson of the Year award." Per WP:MOSNUM, we can't begin sentences with numbers.   Done
  • "In 1960 Dimmock presented the show, and introduced two new awards;[7] the Team of the Year award and the Overseas Personality award, which were won by the Cooper Car Company and Herb Elliott respectively."-->In 1960 Dimmock presented the show, and introduced two new awards:[7] the Team of the Year award and the Overseas Personality award, won by the Cooper Car Company and Herb Elliott respectively.   Done
  • "Anita Lonsbrough became the first female recipient of the main award in 1962, with the following two years also having female winners."-->Anita Lonsbrough became the first female recipient of the main award in 1962; females won it in the following two years as well.   Done
  • "Don Revie's achievements with Leeds United F.C. in 1969 saw him presented with a new Manager of the Year award—the only time it was ever presented." Very weak, and unclear in parts. Maybe (you'll probably have to reword some): In 1969, the new Manager of the Year award was presented to Don Revie for his achievements with Leeds United F.C; it was the only time that the award was ever presented.   Done
  • "Frank Bough took over as presenter in 1964 and presented Sports Review for eighteen years." "18 years".   Done
  • "The following year saw Henry Cooper become the first person to win the main award twice, having previously won in 1967."-->In the following year, Henry Cooper became the first person to win the main award twice, having previously won in 1967.   Done
  • It would be much clearer if you presented the history in chronological order; you talk about presenters right up to the 70s and 80s, then revert back to Don Revie in the late 60s.
  • "4 x 400 m relay team." Include "relay" in the piped link as well.   Done
  • "The 1980s saw Steve Davis finish in the top three on five occasions, his only win coming in 1988."-->In the 1980s, Steve Davis finished in the top three on five occasions, including one win in 1988.   Done

That should be enough for now. I'll probably do some copy-editing later. Dabomb87 (talk) 15:54, 27 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

As always, thanks for the comments. Let me know if there is anything else, or there are changes you don't like. Best wishes, Rambo's Revenge (talk) 23:46, 27 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Comments by Oldelpaso
  • The fact that this article is about the ceremony confused me. I expected an article with this title to be about the main award, since the winner is the "Sports Personality of the Year". This article this is quite short, and talks about the awards quite a lot anyway. I can't help thinking that the article could be merged with List of BBC Sports Personality of the Year awards to provide a summary style overview for the full topic.
    • I'll start a merger discussion but it'll supervision because List of BBC Sports Personality of the Year awards being a FL. Rambo's Revenge (talk) 10:12, 29 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
  • Since the sporting context is obvious, Leeds United F.C. can be piped to Leeds United.   Done
  • It isn't mentioned anywhere that the event is primarily concerned with British sporting achievements.
  • "On 1 November 2003, BBC Books published "BBC Sports Personality of the Year 50th Anniversary" (ISBN 056348747X), which was a 224 page illustrated book written by Steve Rider and Martyn Smith to celebrate the golden anniversary of the show." - almost sounds like an advert.
    •   Done, removed which was a 224 page illustrated book.
  • Regional Awards is a sea of blue. It might be neater to simply put "the twelve local BBC English Regions also have their own award ceremonies", and remove the sentence listing the regions.   Done
  • "For the 2007 ceremony the capacity of the NEC was increased by 3,000 to a total of 8,000 as part of a two-year sponsorship deal with Britvic's brand Robinsons." - it is puzzling how a sponsorship deal can change the capacity of an arena. Yes, it has a reference, but since it is a press release promoting the tie-up, its reliability is suspect.
    •   Done, I've modified this sentence into two separate two parts: capacity increased, and new sponsorship deal
  • As much as the BBC has a reputation for neutrality, the proportion of references from BBC sources is higher than might be expected.

Hope this helps. Oldelpaso (talk) 09:46, 29 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for the comments, Rambo's Revenge (talk) 10:12, 29 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
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