Wikipedia:Peer review/Ayumi Hamasaki/archive2
Ayumi Hamasaki edit
This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've been working extensively on this article since late 2007, but I would like a pair of fresh eyes to review the article, specifically the lead section and the overall flow of the article, as I hope to eventually bring this article up to featured article status. Also, I would appreciate it if a disinterested party could point out any non-neutral point of view statements. Any feedback, however, would be much appreciated.
Thank you very much, Thanatous (talk) 21:29, 2 April 2008 (UTC)
Ruhrfisch comments: I read the first peer review before reading the article and was pleasantly surprised at the level of improvement, good job. Here are some suggestions for improvement:
- Last sentence of the lead could be split for clarity, i.e. She is also the first Japanese artist to have her first original eight studio albums top the Oricon charts,[8] as well as the Japanese female artist with the most number-one singles, most Top 10 singles, and highest singles sales. Hamasaki shares the record for most million-seller singles with the band Pink Lady and fellow J-pop singers Namie Amuro and Utada Hikaru.[9]
- There are 11 fair use images in the article, which seems excessive. SInce the first image in the infobox is free, the fair use claims that "No public domain or free image has been located for this article/subject." on many of the images need to be updated / changed.
- Every reference to her in the "Childhood and early endeavors" section is by her last name - use she / her sometimes for variety. Also could more be said on her acting jobs - how many B movies did she make? TV shows?
- If she was raised by her mother and grandmother, was it really a "single-parent household"? She had two parents, just not the usual two. I think just saying she was raised by her mother and grandmother here and in the lead is sufficient.
- Problem sentences: It was at Velfarre where Hamasaki was introduced to her future producer, Masato Matsuura.[11] Introduced to Hamasaki by a mutual friend, Matsuura offered Hamasaki a recording deal immediately after hearing her sing,... What is Velfarre - provide context for the reader, see WP:PCR. Also avoid repetition, so perhaps At Velfarre (explain this) Hamasaki was introduced by a mutual friend to her future producer, Masato Matsuura,[11] who offered her a recording deal immediately after hearing her sing,... Just one example - try to get someone to help coyedit this
- Also try to explain jargon - the Oricon seems to be the Japanese pop music chart, but explain this early on - see WP:JARGON
- Matsuura, however, persisted until the following year, when Hamasaki agreed and began taking vocal training.[11] Finding the instructors too rigid and the classes too dull,[11] Hamasaki skipped most of her classes. Where did she take these classes? What school / teachers?
- Not much information (from reliable sources) is available on this; Hamasaki rarely gives details on her life prior to her musical career with Avex (I believe there are only two times when she goes into detail about her pre-Avex years, one is a TV interview and the other was a magazine interview; there are transcripts of the TV interview, but it's on a self-published site).
- When did she get signed to Avex? We just read that she has a first single.
- It is useful to have a model article to follow - there are a number of FA on musical groups and artists, pick one
- Article needs more critical reception - what do critics think of her and her music?
- Personal life section?
- Per your suggestion to model the article after a featured article, I combined Hamasaki's personal life and music career into one section, as the articles of Celine Dion and Mariah Carey (both featured articles) do.