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Wikipedia:Peer review/Argo Tea/archive1

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Argo Tea edit

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I've listed this article for peer review because it has a lot of new content and I am not sure how to organize it.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 03:28, 30 September 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks, TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 03:28, 30 September 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Finetooth comments: Long time, no see. I'm glad you're still producing Chicago articles. I enjoyed reading this, but I agree that it needs some rearranging. Here are my thoughts:

Organization

  • The article seems a bit disjointed. I'd consider moving the first paragraph of the "Corporate information" section to the top of the "History" section and maybe adding a date of hiring for the architect. The meeting of the minds preceded the building of the first cafe. I would also try to blend the material in the "Locations" section with the material in the "History" section. Using a chronological order would make this relatively easy to do and easy to read.
  • I'd leave the details about the growth of the company in the "History" section, but I'd move the general discussion of tea and tea culture out of the "History" section and into the "Products" section. For example, I'd move this block: "Tea is the second most consumed beverage in the world, after water.[12]... Argo was founded in response to a realization that Americans had so few tea offerings that they generally were unfamiliar with anything but tea bag teas.[2] Meanwhile, a minority of Asian immigrants from countries such as India, Vietnam and China where tea is the national beverage were spreading some of their traditions.[6] Argo endeavored to emphasize the healthy aspects of tea as an alternative to coffee." After this, I might re-add "Argo set out to be the Starbucks of tea.[6][8]" The Starbucks idea seems like it would have occurred chronologically after the thinking about tea culture. Not sure.
  • I think the tea vs. coffee idea would be interesting to pursue a bit more than you do. How much coffee does the United States consume each year? How much tea? Changes in percentages can be deceiving if the base numbers widely differ; e.g., if a total of 10 cats and 1,000 dogs lived in Cincinnati in 2010 and in 2011 the city imported 10 of each kind, that's a 100 percent increase in cats but only a 1 percent increase in dogs. I suspect that's how it is with coffee and tea in the United States, lots of coffee consumption, much less of tea. Getting some stats from the coffee people might help. Stats or statements from Starbucks about Tazo might help too. The article seems pro-tea and pro-Argo to me, not quite neutral. (That doesn't mean I think you must be a tea-drinker or an Argo fan, just that the article leans that way.)

Lead

  • The existing lead is more of an introduction than it is a summary of the main text. When you consider the main text to be done, I'd suggest rewriting the lead. Nothing important should appear in the lead that is not developed in the main text.

History

  • "Argo borrowed its name from the story of Jason and the Argonauts in Greek mythology." - It might be helpful to say more specifically why they chose Argo. What about the Argonauts is connected to tea or to what the company is trying to do?
  • "that they generally were unfamiliar with anything but tea bag teas" - Tighten to "bagged teas" to avoid repeating "tea"?
  • "the total retail tea market was expected to surpass $10 billion by 2010" - Can this be updated to say what happened by 2010?
  • "Starbucks is more like Windows PC—it's old, less healthy and designed for everyone—and we want to be more like Mac: young, healthy, cool and a more unique, innovative brand." - Nothing inside a direct quotation should be linked since the original does not include the links. It might be necessary, if you want to link the two terms, to explain the Microsoft–Apple comparison. They are competing computer companies, and Starbucks, like Microsoft, is based in Seattle.
  • "Argo also started out selling loose tea in 1- and 4-ounce bags or in bulk." - A couple of things. Why "also"? That word doesn't seem to match the sentence that precedes this one. Should the "first years" stuff come before the sentence about brewing in Chicago?

Products

  • "as well as teas from exotic locations" - What would count as an "exotic tea", and can you name a few "exotic locations"?
  • The long quotation from the Argo press release is too long and too heavily promotes the company's view of itself, therefore violating WP:NPOV. It shouldn't be hard to paraphrase this material without promotional adjectives like "healthy", "unique", "earthy", "wholesome," "fresh-baked", and "finest".

Locations

  • I'd recommend moving the illustrations (image and quote box) to avoid creating a text sandwich.
  • "In Chicago, several of the early locations, including the 11th inside Merchandise Mart and the 13th at O'Hare International Airport, have been located in close proximity to a Starbucks location... " - Recast to avoid repeating "locate" three times.
  • "Argo opened its flagship New York City location... " - The paragraph that begins with these words repeats "location" seven times. I'd mix it up a bit with "place", "storefront", "spot", or something similar.

References

  • In citation 33, I'd render "Arsen Avakian" in title case rather than all-caps even if the source uses all-caps.
  • In citation 5, "Patricia" instead of "Pattie", Entrepreneur instead of "Entrepreneur.com", and 2006-07-01 instead of July 2006.

Other

  • The tools in the toolbox at the top of this review page find two dabs and one dead URL. I think the dead URL is in the Loyola blog address.
  • I was thrown for a loop by the "Throughout" subhead at first. After thinking about it, I see what you are trying to do, but I don't think it works. It's too vague. You can't really say that something is a source for the whole article. I'd recommend working these sources, if they are important, into regular inline citations supporting specific claims in the text.
  • Please make sure that the existing text includes no copyright violations, plagiarism, or close paraphrasing. For more information on this please see Wikipedia:Wikipedia_Signpost/2009-04-13/Dispatches. (This is a general warning given in view of previous problems that have risen over copyvios.)

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider commenting on any other article at WP:PR. I don't usually watch the PR archives or make follow-up comments. If my suggestions are unclear, please ping me on my talk page. Finetooth (talk) 01:39, 14 October 2011 (UTC)[reply]

    • Thanks for the extensive feedback. The 14th and 17th are travel days for me. Not sure when I will get to this, but it will be soon. I really appreciate your hard work. Reviews like this are quite helpful.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 05:27, 14 October 2011 (UTC)[reply]
Comment from /ƒETCHCOMMS/
  • The infobox images look weird. Just use the logo in the infobox and put the pic of the HQ somewhere else in the article. /ƒETCHCOMMS/ 03:59, 24 October 2011 (UTC)[reply]
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