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Wikipedia:Peer review/Alpha Kappa Alpha/archive1

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Alpha Kappa Alpha

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I've listed this article for peer review because, I need help proofreading this article, and see if the MOS fit with this article. For example, should the lead section have 2 or three paragraphs? Are there grammar related issues with this article? Are there grammar and punctuation errors. Does it flow smoothly? I am not done adding facts to the article, yet. However, my main goal is to get this featured on Jan. 15, 2008.

Miranda 07:35, 21 October 2007 (UTC)[reply]

  • Don't normally do this sort of stuff, but I do wonder if the article is stable enough to be featured, there always seems to be someone trying to stuff in unsourced content, POV gibberish and the like. There's lots of reverting by pretty much everybody involved in the article at the moment. Nick 13:28, 21 October 2007 (UTC)[reply]
Nick, Laralove said it was stable in the failed GA review. Miranda 18:49, 21 October 2007 (UTC)[reply]
So you've got the answers you already want for this peer review, so why bother with it, if you won't listen to anything else, if it's not what you want to read ? Nick 19:55, 21 October 2007 (UTC)[reply]
No. I am wondering what I should do to make this article an FA. I have based the example off of Alpha Phi Alpha and other FAs. The reason that I asked you and others to review the article is because I and others might have made some punctuation errors, grammar, etc. And, I am not familiar with the whole FA process, so I need some help. I am listening to you Nick, really I am, but I should clarify that I should respond to any misinterpreted facts. And, since this a community related site, I feel as though I need to acquire assistance from the community, because I feel like I am going at this alone. Miranda 01:19, 22 October 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from James086

  • Can AKA women be found on "every continent in the world" [from the lead section]? The source cited doesn't mention that and what about Antarctica? Does it mean the chapters, and if so there's Australia missing. I suggest something like "Members of AKA are widely spread throughout the world."
  Done Replaced with Chapters consisting of Alpha Kappa Alpha women can be found nationally and internationally. Miranda 18:36, 5 November 2007 (UTC)[reply]
  • With regard to "In the summer of 1934, the Summer School for Rural Teachers was initiated. Twenty-two students and 243 school children were involved. In addition, night classes were held for forty-eight adults" in the section "Expansion and Initial Implementation of Programs 1920–1940" what is the school actually for? Is it to improve the level of education of teachers or for anyone who wants to attend? I found it a bit confusing (though that might just be me ;))
  Done Fixed with: In the summer of 1934, the Summer School for Rural Teachers was initiated to train future teachers. Twenty-two student teachers and 243 school children were involved. Miranda 18:59, 5 November 2007 (UTC)[reply]
  • In the 2nd paragraph of the section "Bridging Towards the Twenty-first Century: 1980–2007" could the bit about ON TRACK being sponsored by Daimler Chrysler be merged into one of the other sentences. It's too brief to be on it's own.
  Done Replaced with Sponsored by Daimler Chrysler, ON TRACK was designated to "improve communication, academics, physical and emotional health, peer leadership, etiquette, and interpersonal relationships. Miranda 18:44, 5 November 2007 (UTC)[reply]
  • In the 3rd paragraph of the same section it says "However, on September 9, 2002, after undergoing a ceremony at Dockweiler State Beach (Pacific Ocean), twenty-two year old Kristin High and twenty-four year old Kenitha Saafir were swept into a ten foot surf, killing them." The source suggests they were killed during the ritual not "after" (although the police report is unspecific).
  Done Replaced with: However, on September 9, 2002, a ten foot surf killed twenty-two year old Kristin High and twenty-four year old Kenitha Saafir during an underground ceremony at Dockweiler State Beach near the Pacific Ocean.
  • In the last paragraph of "Bridging Towards the Twenty-first Century: 1980–2007" it says "The sorority responded to the call in fall 2005 after Hurricane Katrina, by raising money for a disaster relief fund". Which call did it respond to? It should really say that the sorority responded to the call for funds, food, aid or similar.
  Done Didn't realize the two sentences were in two different places, which is relevant to one subject. Replaced with The sorority responded to the call for help in fall 2005 after Hurricane Katrina, by raising money for a disaster relief fund.[1][2] In addition, with the assistance of Habitat for Humanity, the sorority helped build a house for a family that survived Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans in July 2007.[3]
  • Much further down in "P.I.M.S. (Partnerships in Mathematics and Science)" I don't understand ref #94. It links to [1] which has no mention of AKA or P.I.M.S. Also I think that an example should be more specific. Like instead of "educational field trips in order to stimulate involvement in math and science" it should list the places they went to.
  Done That was my fault. I placed the wrong link. I also expanded that part. I have also placed more information. However, I don't know about the field trips. They didn't mention them on the site. :-( Miranda 22:35, 5 November 2007 (UTC)[reply]
  • In the section "Leadership Fellows Program" the first sentence is a mouthful. Read it aloud and you'll see what I mean. Could it be broken up somehow? I tried but I couldn't settle on anything that sounded better. Perhaps just cut down the amount of info, like "from across the nation and overseas" could be removed maybe? I'm not sure so I didn't do it myself.
  Done Split into two sentences. Miranda 18:36, 5 November 2007 (UTC)[reply]
  • In the "Ivy Acres" section is the retirement centre open yet? It is referred to in present and future tense.
  Done According to the official website, this is future. I have replaced the wording with future tense. Miranda 19:35, 5 November 2007 (UTC)[reply]
  • A general comment; there seem to be links to some very basic articles like justice and corporations.
  Done I have taken out repetitive links. Miranda 07:40, 6 November 2007 (UTC)[reply]

I'm tired and I have an exam tomorrow morning so I'm off now. I'll read the rest tomorrow. It's definitely a well written article and I think it's ready for another GAC. Also in my comments when I ask rhetorical questions I don't mean to be sarcastic, it's just I find it's the best way to explain my thoughts. Thanks, James086Talk | Email 13:09, 5 November 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for your review. Miranda 07:40, 6 November 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Continuing

  • I changed a quote to what it said in the source diff although it didn't have a closing " so the quote may have been intended to end earlier. If it wasn't meant to quote the whole sentence then go ahead and revert.
Thanks. Miranda 21:28, 6 November 2007 (UTC)[reply]
  • The article seems US-centric. Things like "across the nation" imply that all readers will be from the US. It's not major but it popped up a few times (you notice it when you don't live in the US).

I don't think it needs that copyedit tag. There are probably a few sentences in there which could be tweaked but it's already quite good. Good luck with the FAC, I think you'll get it to featured by January, especially at this rate. James086Talk | Email 12:35, 6 November 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Well, the article is U.S. centric, because the sorority gives back mostly in the U.S. However, they do some initiatives internationally as well. Just need to spruce up some sections and it will be good as gold. Miranda 21:28, 6 November 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Oops, I started to do a bit of copyediting but saw it was up at GA review - some sentences that are worded oddly and a good human thesaurus can do wonders.

"Omega" is amended to graduate chapters (chapters which consist of college graduates). - erm, what do you mean here? The term omega is used for graduate chapters? If so this needs rephrasing, which I am happy to do.
"Supreme" is referenced to international officeholder. - ditto/odd/clunky. "Supreme" is a term used for an international (overseas?) officeholder. (?)

Anyway, given you've got stuff for BL to do then I'll leave it till later and it can be buffed and polished up nicely for FAC. cheers, Casliber (talk · contribs) 10:36, 10 November 2007 (UTC)[reply]

PS: Will be a great thing to get on mainpage...almost as good as Elvis...cheers, Casliber (talk · contribs) 10:38, 10 November 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Almost as good as Elvis...hmm....Anyway, thanks for taking the time out to improve and review this. I made the appropriate changes. Miranda 11:39, 10 November 2007 (UTC)[reply]

References

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  1. ^ McNealey 2006, op cit., p. 185.
  2. ^ "The Washington Informer: How to Help". The Washington Informer. Retrieved 2007-10-20. {{cite web}}: Italic or bold markup not allowed in: |publisher= (help)
  3. ^ "New Orleanian Credits Alpha Kappa Alpha's Kindness for New Hope and New Home" (PDF). Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Incorporated. July 18, 2007. Retrieved 2007-07-18.
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