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1924 Rose Bowl edit

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I'm thinking about taking this article to FAC, and I want to have it reviewed before taking it there, to make it easier for me to fix issues that are brought up during the FAC review. Any type of review would help.

Thanks, Awardgive. Help out with Project Fillmore County 04:08, 30 April 2013 (UTC)[reply]

As a fan of American football and the Pac-12—although not a UW supporter, I have to admit—I'd be happy to review. I see a few things already, and I'll post some notes a bit later. Cheers, WWB Too (Talk · COI) 23:21, 7 May 2013 (UTC)[reply]

All right, I've finished reading through. All in all a ripping yarn, well-written, and so far as I have checked, scrupulous use of sources. I compared it to the FA 2008 ACC Championship Game, and I see this follows the same structure. There is quite a bit less detail here, but I think that's to be expected of a game played 84 years previously. Most of my notes relate to copy-edits, although I did find one apparent factual discrepancy (the MVP) and a few issues where more (or less) detail could help the reader. Let's go!

Infobox
  • Who won MVP? In Statistical summary it says McKee, but here it says Tesreau.
  • Clarified, it was McKee.
Introduction
  • Use en-dashes "–" to separate ranges and scores, rather than hyphens.
  • I'd suggest a different paragraph split; the second paragraph is about half season-in-review, and half first two quarters of the game. Perhaps it would be better to make the split here? Then the game summary seems as if it should be one paragraph.
  • Split and fixed paragraphs.
  • Phrases "two yard run" and "twelve yard touchdown pass" probably should be hyphenated; throughout the article, similar constructions involving numerals are so hyphenated. Also, should "twelve" be "12" considering it is over 10?
  • Switched "twelve" to "12", added hyphens and dashes in lead and team selection. More to come.
  • Spelling: "scorless" → "scoreless"
  • Corrected.
  • Probably best to change "touchdown run the next drive" to "touchdown run on the next drive"?
  • Changed
  • I see that field goal is wikilinked, but not "touchdown" or "interception". I don't know if the first instance of each should be or none should be, but just one seems out of place.
  • Linked touchdown and interception in lead.
Team selection
  • Linked.
Team selection#Navy
  • Remove period after "ties" and before "(5-1-2)."
  • Removed.
  • Linked.
  • Link added
  • Spelling: "congressman" → "congressmen"
  • Corrected.
Team selection#Washington
Pre-game buildup
  • Repetition of "the game"; at least 3 instances, including two sentences in a row.
  • Changed three wordings out of four occurances.
  • Per WP:TENSE I think the conditional mood of "The game would be the first" should be avoided; rather, the game was the first (Rose Bowl, right?) broadcast on radio.
  • Changed.
Pre-game buildup#Navy
  • I think "considered to be weak" would be just fine as "considered weak".
  • Changed wording.
  • Suggest rephrasing "had issues with stopping pass plays" with "had trouble defending pass plays" to avoid repetition.
Game summary
  • Any reason given for the kickoff time being moved back 16 minutes? Seems an odd detail without context.
  • Clarified.
Game summary#First half
  • "both of the teams mascots" → "both teams' mascots"
  • Corrected.
  • The detail about there only being 40,000 in attendance is repetitious of Pre-game buildup, and this time without context of the rain. Maybe this doesn't need to be here?
  • Changed.
  • "The Midshipmen had controlled" → "The Midshipmen controlled"
  • Fixed.
  • "The next play," might read a bit more cleanly as "On the next play,"
  • Altered
  • I see one occurrence of "8-yard line" which should probably be "eight-yard line" per my note about the introduction?
  • Switched to full spelling.
Game summary#Second half
  • Suggest "before having their first incompletion" be replaced with "before their first incompletion".
  • Fixed.
  • Here we find a left guard named just "Bryan", however below we get his full name, James Bryan. I think this should give his full name on first mention.
  • Clarified
  • Suggest "to erratically throw the ball" should be "to throw the ball erratically" to avoid the split infinitive.
  • Changed
  • Same issue with Ziel as with Bryan; seems odd not to give full name on first mention.
  • Added first name.
Statistical summary
  • Who won MVP? In the infobox it says Tesreau, but here it says McKee.
  • Clarified. It was McKee.
  • Should "out threw" be "outthrew"? Dictionary.com seems to recognize "outthrow" as a word.
Aftermath
  • Similar to the conditional tense note above, "The tie would give" should probably be "The tie gave".
  • Wording changed.
  • Similarly, "Washington would go" might be better phrased by letting readers know we're talking about the next season at the start of the second paragraph; the same issue occurs again. You may actually want to seek a third opinion on this; I can see the utility in a paragraph with slightly complicated tense requirements, but I do think it's generally not preferred.
  • Changed the tense in all occurances I could find.
  • First sentence of third paragraph either needs another comma after "subsequent ones", or strike the first one.
  • Removed the comma.
  • Lowercase "Stadium" in "Rose Bowl Stadium"
  • Lowercase now.
  • The phrasing "with the Tournament only provided with" being slightly awkward. Can't think of something better for the moment, just pointing it out.
  • Rewrote the sentence.
References
  • Kudos on the notes about disagreeing sources. I really like these kinds of notes.
  • Thanks. The disagreeing information in sources really bothered me while I was researching the game, so I decided to include the info in the article.

And those are my notes. Good work! I'd be very happy to discuss anything further as you work through my suggestions. Cheers, WWB Too (Talk · COI) 01:48, 8 May 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for the review. I knew that the prose was very sloppy in some parts, so this review is of great help, especially since this is the first time one of my peer reviews has been reviewed in months. - Awardgive. Help out with Project Fillmore County 01:15, 9 May 2013 (UTC)[reply]
No problem, I enjoyed this. Great work! WWB Too (Talk · COI) 02:46, 9 May 2013 (UTC)[reply]
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