Cocoa Fuego | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Born | unknown |
| Occupation(s) | liberator of Mexico, general bad ass |
Cocoa Fuego (real name unknown) is a Mexican folk hero best known for his liberation of small craft breweries trapped under the thumb of the tyrannical La Bala, an American conglomerate brewery.
Early life edit
Very little is known about Coco Fuego’s early life. Most accounts of his childhood are rumors at best, apocryphal at worst. All that is known for sure is that he is the son of a pepper farmer, who himself was the son of a pepper farmer.
First Confirmed Sighting edit
In the 17 years that followed the liberation of Mexican craft breweries, many stories began surfacing of Cocoa Fuego appearing in small towns, rescuing beer taps from bland commercial beer and disappearing into the night. Most of these stories remain unverified, with scholars chalking most of them up to nothing more than rumor or legend.
However, multiple eyewitnesses confirm that on August 4, 1996, a Cerveza Generico truck was run off the road by a man in a sombrero armed with two bandoliers and a holstered sabre. The driver of the truck and two armed soldados emerged from the vehicle to subdue the man. Two of the soldados were killed by the mysterious man. The third was disarmed, then left alive to bring a message back to his boss - La Bala. He handed the soldado a chocolate covered pepper - which would become the calling card of Cocoa Fuego - and told the soldier to warn his employer that he was coming for him.
A second truck pulled up. A woman, who was described by eyewitnesses as being “más caliente que el Moruga Scorpion servido en los testículos del Diablo” briefly spoke to Cocoa Fuego and he left with her in the second truck.
Battle with La Bala edit
Accounts vary widely on exactly what transpired when Cocoa Fuego finally confronted La Bala. The stories have been greatly embellished over time. Some believe that the mere threat of a confrontation with Cocoa Fuego was enough to send La Bala running. Others claim there was an epic firefight at La Bala’s headquarters between Cocoa Fuego and 100 armed men. A third group believes that La Bala tracked down Cocoa Fuego and shot him in his sleep, only to discover that the man could not be killed.
All that is known for sure is that a few days after Cocoa Fuego sent his initial warning that he was coming for him, a visibly shaken La Bala fled Mexico to the United States and never returned. The tyrannical brewer’s abrupt departure freed the local Mexican provinces to once again brew quality craft beer, ushering in a glorious age of tasty beverages that still thrives today.
The Tijuana Years edit
As Cocoa Fuego’s legend rose, he began heading north, telling admirers that “I must continue the fight against the tyranny of weak cerveza, wherever the fight may take me, until all of my people are free ...”
The fight took him to Tijuana, where he remained for 17 years. At first, he was there battling the last remaining contingent of La Bala’s operation, but he dispatched of them within the first two days. The rest of his time was spent in a drunken stupor even more legendary than his battles with La Bala.
One Tijuana bar claims he drank three bottles of tequila and ended up in nothing but a sombrero singing karoke into the wee hours of the night. (They still have a plaque up honoring the man.) Another bar banned him for life after an incident involving three taquitos, a donkey and a box of fireworks. Fourteen different women have named their now-teenaged sons Cocoa Fuegito, claiming the folk hero is the father.
Cocoa Fuego Arrives in America edit
In 2013, Cocoa Fuego finally left Tijuana (many claim that he was, in fact, asked to leave). He headed north, crossing the border and entering America. He started out on the East Coast, eventually making his way to Baltimore, where he met Jim Wagner, the brewmaster of DuClaw Brewing Company. Wagner was so impressed by the man’s tale that he created a chocolate chipotle beer named Cocoa Fuego as tribute.
After leaving Baltimore, Cocoa Fuego headed west (inexplicably spending three months in Wichita, Kansas), eventually ending up in Hollywood, California. After telling his story to a few drunken movie executives, he was invited to a major studio and offered a six-figure deal for the rights to his life. The film is currently in development, with reports that Michael Bay is attached as the director and Edward James Olmos is in talks to star.
Fuego began getting quite a reputation in Hollywood for his legendary partying, which put Charlie Sheen to shame. One of his most epic partying nights involved Cocoa Fuego arriving at Lure Nightclub with Salma Hayek on his arm, only to leave three hours and 20 beers later with Sophia Vergara.
Cocoa Fuego spent six months in Hollywood before getting bored and heading to Las Vegas. He got kicked out of the Luxor 20 minutes after arriving in the city for violating the pool’s public nudity policy. He hasn’t been seen in public since.