| Doug Swisher | |
|---|---|
| First appearance | "Earth, Jurassic Period (unconfirmed)" |
| Last appearance | "Kansas, yesterday" |
| In-universe information | |
| Gender | Male |
| Title | Lord |
| Occupation | Badassery |
Doug Swisher is the Earth realm secret identity of the Cosmic God, Zoos (not to be confused with that wimpy Greek wizard, Zeus). His appearance dates back to time unknown, however he has recently been seen in the middle of Kansas. Although he has been credited with many accomplishments, time travel, American Football, and the inventions of the vibrator (sex toy), edible underwear and rock and roll, are seen as some of his most notable.
Historical Record edit
Not much is known about the history of Lord Zoos' Earth realm form, though smuggled historical documents seized by the space pirate gang, Xodhisn (roughly translated in English as Painted Cocks-- as in rooster) in 1997 claim that Doug Swisher first appeared on our planet in the Jurassic Period. A pristinely preserved iPad contained within a time capsule, which was excavated from a remote farm in Wyoming in 2013, indeed places Doug in that time period, as the background image portrayed Lord Zoos in full battle regalia, riding a Tyrannosaurus Rex. This of course, also verifies his ability to bend the cosmos and travel through time, as iPads did not exist in the Jurassic Period.
It has been rumored that the sarcophagus of King Tut was actually a gift donated to the boy king by Lord Zoos, who at the time was going by a variance of his "Doug Swisher" alias, Doug Ephresh. Apparently, when the sarcophagus was discovered, next to it was a Portable DVD player, which when activated played a video of a lavish birthday party. According to members of the exploration team that saw it, the video features a young Tut asking why Doug presented him with the sarcophagus, to which Doug replied "to put you in it when you're dead." Shortly thereafter the DVD player is said to have malfunctioned, likely due to lack of power.
Although Lord Zoos has appeared in many places on Earth over the last several decades (as evidenced by his numerous inventions and contributions to society), no documentation exists suggesting he has ever stayed for a measurable length of time. However, many believe he did reside on Earth realm for the majority of 2014, given that his favorite baseball team, the Kansas City Royals ascended from mediocrity to the World Series. Many cite the significant number of improbable wins the team amassed, which could only have occurred with help from a Supreme Being such as himself. Sadly, it would also stand reason that something of higher importance in the cosmos came up before Game 7 of the World Series.
On a side note, those close to Fox Sports commentator Joe Buck claim he won a game of Dungeons and Dragons against Lord Zoos, hence the mind-blowing love and repeated name-dropping of San Francisco Giants pitcher Madison Bumgarner throughout the series' broadcasts.
Pop Culture edit
Doug Swisher has been cited as the basis for many icons in global pop culture, including:
God Superman Goku Emmett Brown Leonardo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) Leonardo da Vinci Spider-Man Hanna Montana Oda Nobunaga Luke Skywalker
Evidence also exists to suggest the first seven seasons of the television series Stargate SG-1 were based almost literally off of a journal written by Doug that apparently surfaced at a flea market in Ohio. Deviations from the journal are minor, with the story taking place at Cheyenne Mountain in Colorado, rather than the journal's recording that the base of operations was beneath a Whataburger in Montgomery, Alabama. Also, the journal describes a member of the unit named Kiko, who was a time-travelling ninja from a parallel universe. Kiko apparently was replaced by the character of Teal'c to appeal to a female demographic. The journal does not indicate that Doug participated in the operations, only that he knew about them, and perhaps provided the location of the Stargate (called "Space Portal" in the journal). Declassified records mention a person (who's name is omitted from record) appearing randomly over a near decade long period for debriefing, each time requesting to be called "Lord."
In another tie to pop culture, Doug is said to have dictated a series of first-hand accounts to Japanese light novel author Nagaru Tanigawa which, at Doug's request, would see Doug (who in Japan used the alias 主コスモ, or Shu Kosumo) replaced with a female protagonist named Haruhi Suzumiya, as well as all other parties being gender-swapped and renamed, once re-written for publication. Allegedly, the light novel stories are the closest thing to a current written historical account of Doug's actions in this century.