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Talk:Part of Your World/GA1

< Talk:Part of Your World
Latest comment: 6 years ago by Aoba47 in topic GA Review
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The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.

GA Review edit

Latest comment: 6 years ago44 comments2 people in discussion
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Reviewer: Aoba47 (talk · contribs) 03:15, 24 October 2017 (UTC)Reply

  • Grabbing this for a review. This has to be in my list of top five favorite Disney songs of all time. Aoba47 (talk) 03:15, 24 October 2017 (UTC)Reply
Infobox and lead
  • In the phrase (in her titular role as Ariel), I would change “her titular role” to “the titular role”. I feel that “her” in this context is a little weird.
  • Do you think that the word “mermaid” in the phrase “a mermaid princess” should be linked?
Writing and recording
  • In the phrase (by some of Broadway's most successful musicals), I do not think you need “some of”.
  • In this sentence (Menken believes that Disney had not yet included explicit "I Want" songs in the studio's films prior to The Little Mermaid, making "Part of Your World" the first time an "I Want" song had written intentionally for a Disney film, although technically Disney princesses had been singing "I Want" songs since Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937) and Cinderella (1950).), I would avoid the repetition of the phrase “I Want” songs. It is repeated three times in this sentence alone so variation and revision would be helpful.
  • Never noticed that before, replaced the second mention with "one".--Changedforbetter (talk) 04:51, 24 October 2017 (UTC)Reply
  • I would also encourage you to separate the above sentence into smaller parts/sentences to allow the reader to breath and process the information at his or her own pace.
Fair, divided the above into two sentences.--Changedforbetter (talk) 04:51, 24 October 2017 (UTC)Reply
  • I would revise this sentence (Observing structural similarities between the song and "Somewhere That's Green" from their musical Little Shop of Horrors (1982), the songwriters nicknamed "Part of Your World" "Somewhere That's Dry" because they believe it resembles an "underwater version" of the Little Shop of Horrors song), to avoid the repetition of Somewhere That's Dry” and Little Shop of Horrors if possible.
  • I tried, but I don't think I can – I'm actually already using the phrase "the Little Shop of Horrors song" to avoid repeating "Somewhere That's Green" lol; "Somewhere That's Green" is actually only mentioned once in the sentence.--Changedforbetter (talk) 04:51, 24 October 2017 (UTC)Reply
  • No worries; it is fine as it stands. Aoba47 (talk) 14:48, 24 October 2017 (UTC)Reply
Sequence and use in The Little Mermaid
  • I would recommend breaking up the first sentence of the first paragraph into two. Also, something about the phrase (by whose performance he was immediately captivated) sounds strange to me. I know what you mean, but I think that the wording can be improved.
  • I think I managed to achieve both by beginning a second sentence with "Captivated by her performance, he decided to make the scene..."--Changedforbetter (talk) 04:51, 24 October 2017 (UTC)Reply
  • I would move the video clip to the top of the section as the caption pertains directly to the first paragraph and it would seem like it would make the most sense to have the clip at the top of the section.
  • The word “grotto” is linked in the third paragraph, but you used the word in a previous section (i.e. the “Writing and recording” section) so the link should be moved up.
  • In this sentence (The character also sings the line "What’s a fire and why does it ... What’s the word? Burn!” to Georges de La Tour's painting Magdalene with the Smoking Flame to indicate a similar sentiment), reference 45 should be placed before reference 46.
  • In this sentence (The directors also reminded him that MGM executives had wanted to remove Judy Garland's song "Over the Rainbow" from the film The Wizard of Oz (1939) until they reconsidered.), reference 31 should be placed before reference 32.
Interpretations
  • In this phrase (because "She has always dreamed of being a 'part of your world’”), I do not believe that “She” needs to be capitalized.
Music and lyrical interpretation
  • For (as "A slow-building, Broadway-style showstopper" ), I do not believe that “A” needs to capitalized.
  • For this part (Described as a "big ballad", the song pairs Ashman's "clever lyrics" about pining for life on land with Menken’s "soaring melody”,), I would be careful about POV language as the quotes “clever lyrics” and “soaring melody” cross over into more critical reception of the song rather than an objective description of it.
  • I see your point, I've removed "clever" but kept "soaring" because I don't think the latter term expresses whether or not the song is good or bad – it's rather an observation of the melody's trajectory, like "yearning".--Changedforbetter (talk) 05:01, 24 October 2017 (UTC)Reply
  • I would cut the first paragraph int two, with the second one starting with the sentence (Vocally, Benson performs "Part of Your World" using a whispered, "intense" singing voice as opposed to belting,[19] although her performance has also been described as “bigger-than-yourself”) as it appears you are shifting topics to focus on Benson’s vocals so it would be a natural break.
  • Unlink Judy Garland and “Over the Rainbow” as they were both already linked in a previous section.
  • If you want to keep the audio sample, I would encourage you to change the caption to better reflect what it is needed to illustrate a point to the reader. I would advise moving the sample to the top of the section, and using it to highlight part of the composition discussed there.
  • Although I've never really been one to include audio samples in song articles (this was added by a previous editor), I'm gonna have to defend this caption a little here...the caption reads that the song "is a Broadway musical-influenced ballad that details Ariel's fascination with the human world, which she longs to become part of." Listening to the audio sample, the lyrics she's singing at this particular moment almost directly correlate to the caption: "up where they walk, up where they run, up where they stay all day..."; I'm just not sure how much more accurate it could be.--Changedforbetter (talk) 05:22, 24 October 2017 (UTC)Reply
  • My main issue with this is that Wikipedia comes down hard on the use of non-free material in articles. I am going to have to push back on this one, because I do not see how the caption represents an absolute need for the audio sample in this particular article. The information from the caption can be understood through the prose of the article as it is focused more so on the lyrics of the song (aside from the short reference in the beginning to "Broadway musical-influence). In fact, the caption seems somewhat repetitive of information already found in the article anyway. Remember that the audio sample should be illustrating something that cannot be convey with just words; I have seen audio samples used primarily for discussing the musical composition of a song for this reason. I would say that the caption/reason for and use of the audio sample needs to be changed to better represent why a non-free material/audio sample would illustrate the article beyond the prose alone or it will need to be removed. Aoba47 (talk) 14:58, 24 October 2017 (UTC)::Reply
  • At this point I think I'm just gonna remove the sample entirely (eventually it'll get deleted from the Wikipedia database by a bot). As I said before, I usually avoid using audio samples in articles and I pretty much agree that the sample doesn't show anything that can't be demonstrated by the prose itself.--Changedforbetter (talk) 15:31, 24 October 2017 (UTC)Reply
  • Remove the link for “thingamabob” as it was already linked in a previous section.
  • Done.
  • What makes BuzzFeed a credible source? I would suggest removing it.
  • Sorry, I'm gonna have to defend BuzzFeed's use here. BuzzFeed gets a lot of flack for favoring memes and quizzes...I would never use BuzzFeed as a factual reference, per se, but when it comes to a Disney song article I find it especially useful (BuzzFeed excels at pop culture), especially this particular quote about the song's lyrical interpretations. Also, it was written by an official BuzzFeed staff member as opposed to a "member" or "contributor" (aka internet user who creates an account). I'd argue that some articles and postings are about as credible as The Huffington Post, Bustle or Jezebel, about which there are constant debates as to whether or not they are reliable. Thoughts?--Changedforbetter (talk) 05:22, 24 October 2017 (UTC)Reply
  • I will allow it for the GAN process. I understand what you mean, and I have used BuzzFeed sources in the past for some of my fictional character articles. Just now that if you ever decide to take this to FAC, then the sources will most likely be seen as not appropriate. I personally do not have a problem as I understand your reasoning so it is fine as it currently stands. Aoba47 (talk) 14:54, 24 October 2017 (UTC)Reply
  • For this sentence (The line "Bet you on land, they understand/Bet they don't reprimand their daughters/Bright young women sick of swimming, ready to stand" has been widely interpreted as a feminist statement.), put the references in the right order.
Done.--Changedforbetter (talk) 05:48, 24 October 2017 (UTC)Reply
  • For the last paragraph, I would make the parts about its interpretations as an allegory for the LGBT community into its own paragraph as you are discussing something new here.
Actually, I think this paragraph should remain adjoined because, in general, it deals with interpretations that are not directly implied by its lyrics (gender, feminism, over-parenting, teenage rebellion). Instead, I've divided the previous paragraph in two as the latter half originally discusses more obvious interpretations.--Changedforbetter (talk) 05:48, 24 October 2017 (UTC)Reply
  • Okay, this was more up to personal preference. Aoba47 (talk) 14:54, 24 October 2017 (UTC)Reply
Reception
  • Great work here. I cannot find any issues.
Live performances and stage versions
  • Wonderful work here!
  • Do you think an image of Sierra Boggess here would be helpful? This is more of a personal preference question as it works either way.
  • I actually did have one at some point, but it got edited out by another editor on the grounds that it wasn't necessary, I believe.--Changedforbetter (talk) 05:48, 24 October 2017 (UTC)Reply
  • Thank you for the clarification; that is a silly edit though by another user. Editing out the image of the person who originated the role in the musical in the name of it not being "necessary" is a little strange, but the image is not entirely necessary either. Aoba47 (talk) 14:54, 24 October 2017 (UTC)Reply
Cover versions and use in media
  • For this phrase (leading some critics to believe that "Part of Your World" is one of the most covered Disney songs in recent memory.), I think that you can replace the song title with “it” and still have the meaning be understood.
  • I would move the Jessie J image next to the paragraph about her. Right now, it is placed next to the Carly Rae Jepson paragraph and it does not match up. If you are concerned about having a picture near the end of the section and bleeding into the next section, you can use a Carly Rae Jepson image instead.
  • AllMusic is linked multiple times.
  • Reference 152 is just a bare link and needs to formatted properly as a reference.
  • Fixed.
Legacy
  • For the first sentence, please rearrange the references to the correct order.
  • Remove the link to BuzzFeed as it has already been used. And I would remove the BuzzFeed references completely. This instance does not provide anything particularly special as it is just a placement on a list.
  • For the second paragraph, I would weed out the parts about the song’s appearance on a list without further context. I do not see a real value to the following parts: (Metro ranked "Part of Your World" fourth) and (while Screen Rant placed the ballad at number six). I would remove both parts.
  • Fair, these were back from when I was still trying to fill the article with content. Removed.--Changedforbetter (talk) 05:48, 24 October 2017 (UTC)Reply
  • Remove the link to “I Want” songs. That has already been linked.
  • For this sentence (Video footage showing Ashman coaching Benson during one of the earliest recording sessions for "Part of Your World" continues to garner attention on the internet), please correct the order of the sources.
  • The focus of the last paragraph seems all-over-the-place. I would suggest providing structure, and maybe breaking it up into smaller paragraphs if necessary.
Final thoughts
  • Think I've repaired this, combined the first two sentences with the previous paragraph about I Want songs.
  • You have done wonderful work with this article. Once my comments are addressed, I will pass this. This inspires me to work on a Disney-related article (I think that I may work on a Disney fictional character article as my next project). Have a wonderful day. Aoba47 (talk) 04:09, 24 October 2017 (UTC)Reply
  • I think that's it! Thank you for your thorough, just commentary as usual; I await your final verdict and appreciate your kind words as usual, thank you! I would love to see what you are capable of doing with a Disney fictional character article; there are plenty to choose from! I would recommend a princess or villain since there seem to be countless references about them (but they can also be quite tasking, as I'm sure you know).--Changedforbetter (talk) 05:48, 24 October 2017 (UTC)Reply
  • Thank you for addressing everything. Once my concern about the audio sample is addressed, then I will be more than happy to promote this as a GA. I would love to work on an article about either a princess or a villain, but I will need to make sure to have enough time to start it as it does require a lot of work given how much coverage there is out there for these characters lol. Hope you are having a wonderful day so far. Aoba47 (talk) 15:00, 24 October 2017 (UTC)Reply
  • Okay, as stated above I've removed the audio sample entirely - awaiting final verdict.--Changedforbetter (talk) 15:33, 24 October 2017 (UTC)Reply
Final verdict

Thank you for addressing everything. I will ✓ Pass this. Aoba47 (talk) 16:15, 24 October 2017 (UTC)Reply

The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.
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