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Latest comment: 1 year ago2 comments2 people in discussion
@User:Winifredwhelan, as promised at the Wikiproject Women in Religion editathon, I've gone through this draft and made some structural and formatting changes, and did some minor copyediting. For example, I moved some of the content from the second section, which I renamed, and put it in a new section, "Background." Doing that forced me to do some wordsmithing. Hopefully, my changes will make this bio more acceptable when it's looked at by the draft reviewer. I also moved the refs after the "Partial list of publications" heading because it's not customary to put refs after a heading; doing that forced me to move the sentence about Aoyama Roshi's writings there. Please revert my changes if you disagree with them.
I have a question about how to refer to Aoyama Roshi. You use "Ayama"; is that her first name? If so, it's not customary to refer to subjects by their first name in Wikipedia bios, so we need to change it. Is "Roshi" her last name? I ask, even though it may seem to be a silly question, because in her bio in one of your sources, Claiming Notability, the author refers to her as "Aoyama Roshi." We can do the same here if that's her full name and "Aoyama" isn't a title, but we'd have to explain why if it were ever to come up in a review.
More feedback: I'm not sure that you're using your sources well enough. For example, there may be content from Claiming Notability that you're not including here, mostly info about Aoyama Roshi's life. I also think that some more wordsmithing could be done so that its tone is more encyclopedic. We should also work on the lead, which should be a summary of the article's content, since it isn't at this time. You've done a great job so far about a worthy subject, so best to you as you move forward to its publication. Christine (Figureskatingfan) (talk) 19:34, 15 November 2022 (UTC)Reply
Christine, thank you so much. I feel that I know the basics of what an article should be like, but there's a lot I don't know. I had asked Lekshe how to refer to Aoyama, what to call her, but she hasn't responded. I'll check again. Meanwhile, thanks! Winifredwhelan (talk) 02:32, 16 November 2022 (UTC)Reply
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