Talk:John Dwight (manufacturer)/GA1

Latest comment: 3 years ago by Eddie891 in topic GA Review

GA Review edit

Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch

Reviewer: Eddie891 (talk · contribs) 01:20, 1 October 2020 (UTC)Reply

Hi, I intend to review this shortly. Eddie891 Talk Work 01:20, 1 October 2020 (UTC)Reply

Comments
  • "Nathaniel's father, Dwight's great grandfather, was Captain Timothy Dwight" I think this connection is too much of a stretch to have here, for a non-notable individual
  • "He was in the same class with " -> "same class as"
  • "In 1847 he went into partnership" perhaps "in 1847 the two entered into a partnership" or "the two began a partnership" or smth similar
  • "Church was the one that concocted the formula to be the first in the United States to devise a method of manufacturing the product as a company item to sell" perhaps "Church was the first in the United States to devise a method of manufacturing sodium bicarbonate as an item that could be sold" or something similar?
  • " first under the Cow Brand trademark" what value does 'first' add here?
  • "They packaged the product this way for hygiene and personally filled the bags themselves" who is 'they'? 'themselves' seems redundant here
  • "Arm & Hammer baking soda dominated" at what point did they 'dominate' the market?
  • "Cow brand was preferred " -> "Cow Brand was preferred "
  • "as well like as a" seems off to me.
  • "The spot is where Dwight was born" what is the spot?
  • That's a first pass, there will likely be more subjective comments. As always, open to discussion. Eddie891 Talk Work 14:43, 3 October 2020 (UTC)Reply
  • Images are good.
  • No copyvio
  • Sourcing looks good
    • I don't see Dwight and Church sold the powder product in red paper bags under the Cow Brand trademark. in provided source
    • Page for citation #7 may be off, I don't see anything there
    • In citation #1, I don't see that WIlliam White was 'of Springfield, Mass'
  •   Done - changed to an officer in the Continental Army. --Doug Coldwell (talk) 19:50, 4 October 2020 (UTC)Reply
    • I think you could just list the names of his children. What they did isn't really relevant. If you decide keep it essentially as is, I suggest 1) removing 'Mrs.' from the names of the women, and not say 'became' so much, rephrasing to avoid repetition of that word
    • Sources 4 and 16 are the same
@Eddie891: All additional issues have been addressed. Can you take another look. Thanks.--Doug Coldwell (talk) 20:16, 4 October 2020 (UTC)Reply