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John Swartzwelder

John Joseph Swartzwelder Jr. (born February 8, 1949)[1] is an American comedy writer and novelist, best known for his work on the animated television series The Simpsons. Born in Seattle, Washington, Swartzwelder began his career working in advertising. He was later hired to work on comedy series Saturday Night Live in the mid-1980s as a writer. He later contributed to fellow writer George Meyer's short-lived Army Man magazine, which led him to join the original writing team of The Simpsons, beginning in 1989.

John Swartzwelder
Swartzwelder in a 1992 staff photo for The Simpsons
Swartzwelder in a 1992 staff photo for The Simpsons
BornJohn Joseph Swartzwelder Jr.
(1949-02-08) February 8, 1949 (age 70)
Seattle, Washington, U.S.
OccupationTelevision writer, novelist
PeriodThe Simpsons: 1990–2003, 2007
Novels: 2004–present
GenreObservational humor, surreal humor, black comedy, detective fiction, absurdism
SubjectThe Simpsons, Frank Burly

He worked on The Simpsons as a writer and producer until 2003, and later contributed to The Simpsons Movie. He is credited with writing the largest number of Simpsons episodes (59 full episodes, with contributions to several others) by a large margin.[2] After his retirement from the show, he began a career as a writer of self-published absurdist novels. He has written more than eleven novels, the most recent of which, The Squirrel Who Saved Practically Everybody, was published in 2019.

Swartzwelder is revered among comedy fans; his colleagues have called him among the best comedy writers. He is famously averse to press.

Life and careerEdit

Swartzwelder was born in Seattle, Washington, the son of Gloria Mae (Matthews) and John Joseph Swartzwelder, Sr.[1][3] He attended high school in Renton, Washington.[4] Swartzwelder started out with a career in advertising.[5] He sent a joke submission to the writers of Late Night with David Letterman in 1983, which he signed but left no address. Writer Jim Downey traced Swartzwelder based on the Chicago postmark on the card via phone books at the New York Public Library.[6] After he contacted Swartzwelder's mother in Seattle, she redirected him to her son, who was then working at an advertising agency in Chicago. Downey described Swartzwelder's interview as "one of the most spectacularly awful in history," as it consisted of him entering David Letterman's office without permission, and discussing the state of television (that it was "all shit") while smoking and drinking. He was not hired for Letterman, but Downey did bring him to work on Saturday Night Live (SNL) beginning in 1985.[6]

At SNL, he shared an office with Robert Smigel, and met George Meyer, who later proved instrumental in hiring him for The Simpsons.[7][8] During his time at the program, he became known for writing odder material.[9] He was fired from the program in the summer of 1986, which Smigel attributed to the network's pressure on show creator Lorne Michaels to make personnel changes.[7] Meyer subsequently quit SNL and created the magazine Army Man, recruiting Swartzwelder to help him write it.[10] Meyer noted on Army Man: "The only rule was that the stuff had to be funny and pretty short. To me, the quintessential Army Man joke was one of John Swartzwelder's: ''They can kill the Kennedys. Why can't they make a cup of coffee that tastes good?'' It's a horrifying idea juxtaposed with something really banal—and yet there's a kind of logic to it. It's illuminating because it's kind of how Americans see things: Life's a big jumble, but somehow it leads to something I can consume. I love that."[11] In 1988, Sam Simon, a reader of Army Man, recruited both Swartzwelder and Meyer to write for a new Fox animated sitcom he was executive producing: The Simpsons.[11]

By 1994, with the show's sixth season, Swartzwelder was granted a special dispensation and allowed not to attend rewrite sessions with the rest of the staff, instead being allowed to send drafts of his scripts in from home so other writers could revise them as they saw fit. This was a direct result of Swartzwelder's avid smoking coming into conflict with a newly implemented policy banning smoking in the writers' room.[12] Swartzwelder's scripts typically needed minimal rewriting compared to those of other writers, with about 50% being used.[5]

In 1996, Swartzwelder created and produced his own pilot presentation for Fox titled Pistol Pete, which was designed to spoof western films.[13] Starring Stephen Kearney, Mark Derwin, Lisa Robin Kelly, and Brian Doyle Murray, the pilot was shot using crew from the television series Gunsmoke at Swartzwelder's insistence. John Rich, veteran television director known for The Dick Van Dyke Show, All in the Family, and Gunsmoke, directed the pilot, which was shot at Veluzat Motion Picture Ranch. Fox eventually passed on the pilot.[13] It eventually surfaced online in 2014.[14]

According to Matt Groening, Swartzwelder used to write Simpsons episodes while sitting in a booth at a coffee shop "drinking copious amounts of coffee and smoking endless cigarettes". When California passed an anti-smoking law, Swartzwelder bought the diner booth and installed it in his house, allowing him to continue his process in peace.[12] With the exception of his contributions to The Simpsons Movie,[15] released in 2007, Swartzwelder has been absent from The Simpsons writing staff since the fifteenth season (2003–04), with his last airing episode ("The Regina Monologues") actually being a "holdover" written for the fourteenth (2002–03) season. At 59 episodes, Swartzwelder has been credited with writing more episodes than anybody else.[5] Since leaving The Simpsons, he has taken up writing absurdist novels, beginning with the 2004 publication of science-fiction detective story The Time Machine Did It starring private investigator Frank Burly. The next year he published Double Wonderful, a Western, before returning to the Burly character for How I Conquered Your Planet in 2006, The Exploding Detective in 2007, Dead Men Scare Me Stupid in 2008, Earth vs. Everybody in 2009, The Last Detective Alive in 2010, The Fifty Foot Detective in 2011, and The Million Dollar Policeman in 2012. In 2014, a children's book written in the late 1970s by Swartzwelder and illustrated by David Schutten was published by Green House Books.[16] Swartzwelder self-publishes his books.[17]

Personal lifeEdit

Swartzwelder has been referred to as a staunch libertarian, as well as a "hard-core conservative."[9] He is reported to be a gun rights advocate, and despite having written many of the environmentally driven episodes, he has been described as an "anti-environmentalist".[18] David Cohen once related a story of Swartzwelder going on an extended diatribe about how there is more rain forest on Earth now than there was a hundred years ago.[18]


Swartzwelder is notoriously reclusive, and rarely, if ever, makes media appearances.[5] At one point, fans of The Simpsons on the Internet even debated his existence: when considering his reclusiveness and the number of episodes credited to him, some theorized that "John Swartzwelder" was actually a pseudonym for when writers did not want to take credit for an episode, or for episodes that were penned by several writers in concert.[19] Comedy writer Mike Sacks described Swartzwelder as the "Thomas Pynchon of the comedy world."[6]

He has also famously not participated in any of the audio commentaries on The Simpsons DVD sets to date, despite being asked multiple times. Executive producer David Mirkin once invited Swartzwelder to make a brief appearance in a prerecorded bit in which he would be asked if he wanted to take part, to which he would respond with "No" as an ironic punchline, but he refused. During the recording of the 2006 commentary for the ninth season episode, "The Cartridge Family," show runner Mike Scully called Swartzwelder's home on the phone. After presumably speaking with him for a minute, the man on the other end of the phone says, "It's too bad this really isn't John Swartzwelder." Scully and the others laugh, reply "Bye, John," and then after he has hung up, Scully comments "I know he's gonna sue us."[20]

In 2016, a Twitter account for Swartzwelder appeared, and was subsequently confirmed to be an official account by several of his former Simpsons colleagues, including showrunner Al Jean, writer Carolyn Omine and music editor Chris Ledesma.[21][22] The account only tweets excerpts from Swartzwelder's books.[22]


Swartzwelder is revered among comedy fans.[6] Fellow Simpsons writers have been effusive about his writing and impact on the show. Matt Selman wrote an article for Time about Swartzwelder, extolling him as "one of the greatest comedy minds of all time. He is the comedy writer whose words makes (sic) the best comedy writers in the world laugh out loud."[17] George Meyer said that, "Even among comedy weirdos, he stands out. He's irreplaceable."[9] Fellow writer Dan Greaney has described Swartzwelder as "the best writer in the world today in any medium."[5]

References on The SimpsonsEdit

Swartzwelder has been animated in the background of several episodes of The Simpsons. His animated likeness closely resembles musician David Crosby, which prompted Matt Groening to state that anytime that David Crosby appears in a scene for no apparent reason, it is really John Swartzwelder.[23] Additionally, Matt Groening has stated that the recurring character Herman was originally physically based on Swartzwelder, with the exception of his one arm.[24]



Year Film Role Notes
1985–86 Saturday Night Live Writer, 18 episodes Appears as himself in episode hosted by John Lithgow
1989–2003 The Simpsons Writer, 59 episodes, story editor, consultant, producer
1996 Pistol Pete Creator, executive producer, writer Unsold pilot for Fox Broadcasting Company


Year Film Role Notes
2007 The Simpsons Movie Writer Additional credit for lyrics on "Spider Pig" and "Springfield Anthem"

Simpsons episodesEdit

The Simpsons episodes written by Swartzwelder


  • The Time Machine Did It (2004): ISBN 0-9755799-0-8
  • Double Wonderful (2005): ISBN 0-9755799-2-4
  • How I Conquered Your Planet (2006): ISBN 0-9755799-4-0
  • The Exploding Detective (2007): ISBN 0-9755799-6-7
  • Dead Men Scare Me Stupid (2008): ISBN 0-9755799-8-3
  • Earth vs. Everybody (2009): ISBN 0-9822736-0-6
  • The Last Detective Alive (2010): ISBN 0-9822736-2-2
  • The Fifty Foot Detective (2011): ISBN 0-9822736-4-9
  • The Million Dollar Policeman (2012): ISBN 0-9822736-6-5
  • Detective Made Easy (2013): ISBN 0-9822736-8-1
  • The Animal Report (2014): ISBN 978-1500873905
  • The Monster That Wouldn't Sink (A Frank Burly Short Story) (2015)
  • Earth's Biggest Fan (A Frank Burly Short Story) (2015)
  • Burly Go Home (2017): ISBN 978-0989988506
  • The Squirrel Who Saved Practically Everybody (2019): ISBN 978-0989988520


  1. ^ With George Meyer, Sam Simon and Jon Vitti
  2. ^ "Bad Dream House" segment
  3. ^ With Sam Simon
  4. ^ Contributor
  5. ^ "Attack of the 50-Foot Eyesores" segment
  6. ^ Teleplay, story by Bob Kushell


  1. ^ a b "John Swartzwelder Biography". Film Reference. Retrieved 12 October 2016.
  2. ^ "Episodes by writer". The Simpsons Archive. Retrieved 2007-07-01.
  3. ^ "John Swartzwelder Obituary". The Seattle Times. April 4, 2012.
  4. ^ "Renton High School - Illahee Yearbook (Renton, WA), Class of 1966, Page 137 of 232". E-Yearbook. Renton, Washington. Retrieved 12 October 2016.
  5. ^ a b c d e A. O. Scott (2001-11-04). "How 'The Simpsons' Survives". New York Times. Retrieved 2010-07-27.
  6. ^ a b c d Sacks, Mike. Poking a Dead Frog: Conversations with Today’s Top Comedy Writers. City of Westminster, London: Penguin Books. pp. 16–18. ISBN 978-0143123781.
  7. ^ a b Sacks 2014, p. 259.
  8. ^ Rabin, Nathan (4 August 2004). "Robert Smigel | The A.V. Club". The A.V. Club. Archived from the original on 5 May 2006. Retrieved 12 October 2016. I actually shared a room with this guy John Swartzwelder, a legendary Simpsons writer.
  9. ^ a b c Sacks 2014, p. 373.
  10. ^ Finley, Adam (3 March 2006). "In the Limelight: John Swartzwelder". tvsquad. Archived from the original on 1 December 2006. Retrieved 12 October 2016.
  11. ^ a b Owen, David (2000-03-13). "Taking Humour Seriously". The New Yorker.
  12. ^ a b Groening, Matt (2006). The Simpsons The Complete Eighth Season DVD commentary for the episode "Grade School Confidential" (DVD). 20th Century Fox.
  13. ^ a b Will Harris (June 27, 2013). "Pilot Error: The Legend of John Swartzwelder's 'Pistol Pete'". Antenna Free TV. Archived from the original on October 5, 2014. Retrieved June 29, 2015.
  14. ^ Adams, Erik. "Watch Pistol Pete, a failed pilot from Simpsons legend John Swartzwelder · Great Job, Internet! · The A.V. Club". The A.V Club. Archived from the original on 19 September 2014. Retrieved 12 October 2016.
  15. ^ Scott, A. O. "John Swartzwelder". New York Times. Retrieved 2007-05-03.
  16. ^ "Humor Novels By John Swartzwelder". Kenny Dale Books. Retrieved 2007-05-03.
  17. ^ a b Matt Selman (April 12, 2008). "Swartzwelder the Great". Time. Retrieved June 29, 2015.
  18. ^ a b Cohen, David X. (2006). The Simpsons The Complete Eighth Season DVD commentary for the episode "The Old Man and the Lisa" (DVD). 20th Century Fox.
  19. ^ Groening, Matt; Jean, Al; Reiss, Mike; Lapidus, Adam; Moore, Rich (2004). The Simpsons The Complete Fourth Season DVD commentary for the episode "The Front" (DVD). 20th Century Fox.
  20. ^ Scully, Mike; Swartzwelder, John (2006). The Simpsons The Complete Ninth Season DVD commentary for the episode "The Cartridge Family" (DVD). 20th Century Fox.
  21. ^ Ledesma, Chris (31 July 2016). "#TheSimpsons fans rejoice! John Swartzwelder is officially on Twitter". @mxedtr on Twitter. Retrieved 14 January 2018.
  22. ^ a b Barsanti, Sam. "Legendary Simpsons writer John Swartzwelder is using Twitter in the best/worst way". News. Retrieved 14 January 2018.
  23. ^ Groening, Matt (2005). The Simpsons The Complete Seventh Season DVD commentary for the episode "Bart the Fink" (DVD). 20th Century Fox.
  24. ^ Groening, Matt (2001). The Simpsons The Complete First Season DVD commentary for the episode "Bart the General" (DVD). 20th Century Fox.


  • Sacks, Mike (2014). And Here's the Kicker: Conversations with 21 Top Humor Writers. New York: Writers House. ISBN 978-1630640118.

External linksEdit