- This review is transcluded from Talk:Addie Joss/GA1. The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.
Reviewer: Secret (talk · contribs) 17:58, 24 February 2013 (UTC)
Reviewing here.... Secret account 17:58, 24 February 2013 (UTC)
Note I do most of the books that are listed as sources here, some of them are buried deep in my library somewhere so I am familiar with this subject, really hard to write biography for a Hall of Famer because of his early death, and the time period he played.
- Addie Joss was born in the unincorporated community of Woodland in Dodge County, Wisconsin. "Unincorporated community" is unneeded here, as it doesn't directly affect Joss's life and the wikilink is sufficient.
- His parents Jacob and Theresa (née Staudenmeyer) worked as farmers; his father had emigrated from Switzerland. Jacob, who was also a cheesemaker, was involved in local politics. cheesemaker, was involved in local politics. Both sentences should be combined for flow, I doubt in that era Theresa was also a farmer but rather as a homemaker.
- A bit more on the family background would be interesting as Switzerland is mentioned. That is a country that hardly had any immigrants coming to the United States. If there's no sources available I understand.
- A heavy drinker of alcohol,:p.21 he died from liver complications in 1890, when Joss was 10 years old. I presume that is why Joss always remained sober throughout his career. It should be mentioned somewhere as that was a major part of personality back when he was playing.
- he played on the school's baseball team and studied engineering.:p.21, He also attended the University of Wisconsin (now University of Wisconsin-Madison), where he studied engineering. Redundancy here with the "studied engineering", maybe the sentences should be combined?
- Officials in Watertown were impressed with the quality of play of St. Mary's and put the team on a semipro circuit. Source?
- "Charles Comiskey's Western League team played the team in an exhibition game, which also allowed Comiskey to scout Joss." He never played for Comiskey and there is no further mention of his involvement, expand or remove. Also spot the grammar error.
- After player salaries were frozen by team owners, Joss joined the junior team in Manitowoc as a second baseman. What is a "junior team"?
- Also better as ....Joss joined the junior team in Manitowoc as a second baseman and was soon promoted to the senior squad, where he was developed into a pitcher. We discussing the same year here.
- Connie Mack also sent a scout to watch Joss and later offered the teenager...... later is redundant, teenager? Considering this is circa 1899-1900, Joss would have been almost 20, reword.
- Issues addressed through here. Wizardman 18:04, 3 March 2013 (UTC)
- In the fall of 1901 Joss returned to Wisconsin and helped win the off-season (and unofficial) 1901 Wisconsin state championship game for Racine against Kenosha (who fielded Major League pitcher Rube Waddell)
- Better as: "After the season ended, Joss returned to Wisconsin where he led Racine to the 1901 Wisconsin baseball state championship against Rube Waddell's Kenosha squad." It describes the reader what kind of game it was, off-season was redundant, and I don't think being official or not is relevant.
- "In March 1902, it became known that Joss had signed with Cleveland." it became known? Keep the sentence simple.
- Joss being charged with a felony? A better description of the crime would be easier, as I read it, he was charged for not giving back $50 dollars?
- Joss made his major league debut with the Bronchos on April 26, 1902. Already mentioned below, redundant and remove.
- The first sentence discussing Joss college education in Major league career should be mentioned elsewhere in the body. Yes that's an important characteristic throughout his career, but the first paragraph should discuss, you know his Major League career......
- "Harvey did not make a clean catch when the ball was near his shoetops" Heh confused here
- Issues addressed up to here now. Wizardman 04:00, 8 March 2013 (UTC)
- Lewis added, "All the ball parks in the world, before and after 1908, would not have been large enough had fans known what was in store.":p.56 That's just one writer unencylopedic NPOV opinion. Remove, and writing like that makes me dubious of that particular source.
- The Naps faced future Hall of Fame pitcher Ed Walsh and recorded four hits; they were struck out by the ace 15 times. Last part of the sentence reword, "the ace"?
- "left the game due to arm soreness" Arm soreness is not an illness, reword, also "He pitched into the fifth inning of a game on July 25, 1910, and left the game due to arm soreness. It was Joss' last game pitched." can easily fit with the previous section.
- He later also wrote for the Cleveland Press and covered the World Series for the News-Bee and Press from 1907–1909. He wrote for Toledo at the same time if I remembered my book sources correctly, so try to combine.
- Toledo's writing is right in the paragraph above this one, unless you're asking for it to all be one para. Wizardman
- "A scholarly man, an entertaining writer, an impartial observer of the game." Rather abrupt ending of the quote here, just use the full quote in this case.
- That's actually the end of the quote. Surprised me as well, as it is quite abrupt. Wizardman
- "baby trick", also from that same dubious source from above.
- "As late as April 7" late should be early.
- "over the opposition of American League management" Why the opposition?
- Please create a bibliography section for all these book sources.
- Can any more information can be added to the last paragraph of "Cleveland Bronchos/Naps (1902–1907)", it's mostly stats here.
- I'll tackle these three last, since it'll take a bit of time.
Images are free, random spot checks are ok, I may go over some of these book sources and reevaluate before promoting though. On hold Secret account 19:40, 24 February 2013 (UTC)
- Cleanup in progress, though I can tell this is going to take a few days, a lot of the stuff you've mentioned is rather confusing to me when I read the article, so there's definitely quite a bit to fix. Wizardman 03:49, 1 March 2013 (UTC)
- Everything is now done except for those last three comments. My guess on opposition is that management didn't want them possibly injuring themselves or getting fatigued in a non-counting game. I'll find a source to show more since I can't access Coffey. Wizardman 18:59, 9 March 2013 (UTC)
First of three parts addressed/removed. Second I don't plan to do because of the way the references are set up; adding a bibliography would just make it redundant and a bit confusing to the reader. The third I will tackle over the next couple days. Wizardman 03:48, 11 March 2013 (UTC)
- I was able to expand it a bit more, but that was all I could do; for a player from that long ago, there are years where there's unfortunately little besides stats to go with. Wizardman 03:39, 16 March 2013 (UTC)
I'm passing this, and we can discuss more about the sourcing we were discussing privately or in a Peer Review. Secret account 18:12, 29 March 2013 (UTC)